Shoopuf Basket PLATINUM
by Raine-Weather
Summary: This time with... CALCIUM! And still more stories than you can chuckle like Kureno at!
1. Snapple or Fanta?

Disclaimer: Even after many failed attempts to kill her and steal her identity… I am STILL not Natsuki Takaya!

SHOOPUF BASKET PLATINUM!

Chapter 1

So… Snapple or Fanta?

" GOOOOOOD MORNING, SOHMA FAMILY!" Shigure screamed at the top of his lungs holding a megaphone he had purchased earlier. And it was indeed morning! A beautiful, crisp winter morning! The kind that makes you get up and go… " I can't wait to go outside on a beautiful crisp winter morning!"

But not Sohma Kyo. This time, even YUKI had gotten up before Sohma Kyo. Because while Yuki, Tohru and Shigure loved winter a LOT… Sohma Kyo, well, Sohma Kyo did NOT.

" GO AWAY!" Kyo yelled as Shigure stood proudly in his doorway with the megaphone, while Tohru and Yuki stared into the room with confused expressions, already ready for school.

" Yara!" Said Shigure cheerfully. When Kyo didn't go anything, he raised the megaphone and said at max volume once again, " YARA!"

" Quit it…!" Kyo whined, jamming the pillow on top of his head as if that would save him. " I don't want to go to school!"

" Alright, Sohma Family… SAY IT WITH ME!" Shigure yelled cheerfully.

" No." Said Yuki.

" MOVE…THAT…CAT!" Shigure and Tohru said cheerfully, because Tohru is fool enough to actually go along with Shigure in something like this. Then Shigure ran over to Kyo's bed and threw him out of it.

" OW!" Kyo screamed, landing on the floor. But surprisingly enough, he was already in his school uniform and everything! CRAZY!

" Kyo-kun fell down!" Shigure chuckled like Kureno even though he had caused the throwing down in the first place.

" Kyo-kun, why are you already dressed in your uniform?" Tohru asked curiously.

" B-BECAUSE! I always make sure that that damn rat won't beat me by waking up at 3 am to put it on before him! But at around 5 am I started to not feel so well… so…yeah…" Kyo trailed off embarassedly.

" But Kyo-kun!" Shigure gasped. " You can't miss today! It's the first school day in the first week of December!"

" WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT THAT!" Kyo demanded, secretly curious if something special was happening and HE had missed out on it!

" … I don't know! But surely… something special… AWAITS!" Shigure said dramatically, and then threw Kyo out the door.

" Why did you throw me! I'm GOING TO SCHOOL NOW!" Kyo demanded.

" I just like to throw you." Shigure said truthfully. " Now come on kids! I made you breakfast!"

" OH NO!" Tohru gasped. " I can't believe I indirectly made you do such a thing! Next time I'll wake up before anyone else and make breakfast!"

" Then you can help Kyo-kun put on his uniform!" Shigure chuckled like Kureno, leading them down the stairs.

" NO SHE WON'T!" Kyo yelled. Come on Kyo. You KNOW you want her to… uh-huh, uh-huh, UH-HUH!

" …Shigure, I didn't know you could cook…" Yuki said in a doubtful voice.

" WELL I CAN!" Shigure screamed at him with his giant megaphone. Yuki flinched and held his ears, then decided to be quiet.

" Sit down! Sit down!" Shigure said with great flourish, pointing to the kitchen table. Just so you KNOW… they still have about fifteen minutes before they're supposed to leave for school. Don't worry. They won't be late. It's okay.

" I'm always indebted to you, Shigure-san!" Tohru cried with a goofy look. Kyo gave her a disgusted look. Yuki wondered where Shigure had gotten that megaphone.

" Alright! Pizza for everyone!" Said Shigure, handing everyone a piece of pizza.

" PIZZA!" Kyo screamed.

" ARIGATOU GOZAIMASU!" Tohru cried.

" …nani kore?" Yuki said slowly, looking at his pizza. But then he remembered it had CHEESE, so he didn't care! YAAAY! Looks like you made a lot of progress since last time, Yuki! The FIRST chapter! WOW!

" YOU CAN'T HAVE PIZZA FOR BREAKFAST!" Kyo yelled.

" And you can have REESES? I think you can have some healthy pizza for once in your life, Kyo-chan." Shigure scoffed like Carson.

" My pizza has strawberries on it!" Tohru cheered, even though that sounds disgusting.

Yuki didn't care what his pizza had on it, as long as it had cheese. But let's just say it had mushrooms. Ah… the OTHER rat delicacy!

" This… THIS HAS LEEKS ON IT!" Kyo screamed, throwing himself from his pizza in alarm.

" Oops." Said Shigure. " Oh well!"

" Can't I have another piece?" Kyo whined.

" No. It would take too long! Just eat your leeks like a good boy!" Shigure chuckled like Kureno. Evil Shigure… you PLANNED this!

" NEVER!" Kyo pledged, then started picking each and every leek off of that pizza. And he had to take the cheese off too, because there was some leek hidden underneath. Then he had to wipe the sauce off because it still TASTED like leek. So by the time he was done he just had a naked pizza that tasted like cardboard.

" Well, will you look at the time! You kids better get going!" Shigure gasped in mock-terror, taking up the plates of pizza before Kyo could even have a bite.

" Shigure… uh… can I have some medicine… before I go? I really don't… feel well." Kyo said, blushing, because he's a REAL man and they don't get sick!

" Oh no! Don't underestimate it!" Tohru exclaimed, clapsing her hands.

" I'm not!" Kyo snapped, growing even redder.

" Of course you can!" Shigure said, hugging Kyo. " Poor Kyo-chan! Here!" Then he handed Kyo a tiny bottle of medicine. Kyo glared at it, then drank it all in one gulp. It was NASTY! But that was because it was Nyquil. Hey Shigure! Shouldn't you have given him DAYQUIL! GOD!

" Now you're off!" Said Shigure, opening the door cerimoniously and gesturing for them to get a move on. Everyone looked outside to see that the whole town was draped in about six feet of snow.

" We… we can't go to school like THAT!" Kyo gasped.

" We have to do our best!" Tohru said, but considering how short her skirt is… she will probably die in about five minutes.

" No we don't!" Kyo yelled. " The schools HAVE to be closed! There is no way they would make us go in this kind of condition!"

" Turn on the TV." Yuki demanded, because he too did not want to go to school like that. His bronchitis might act up! HEAVENS!

" Fine! Do this! Do that! GEEZ!" Shigure whined, then switched on the television. Everyone waited for the commercials to finish. Then the Buddy Barn Weather Report came on.

" Hi! I'm That Buddy Barn Guy, and here's the weather report…" Said That Buddy Barn Guy.

" TELL US IF THE SCHOOLS ARE CLOSED!" Everyone yelled at him.

" FINE!" Said That Buddy Barn Guy on the TV screen, putting his hands on his hips. " Hold your horses! …YES, the schools are open. HAPPY?"

" NO!" Yelled Kyo.

" Well, tough cookies." That Buddy Barn Guy said crossly, then whipped out his magical orcarina and transported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guy's go, leaving the weather screen empty and not moving.

" You heard the convienent time-saving, plot-hole rescuing man! Go to school, chilluns!" Said Shigure, ushering them all out the door.

" But I'm SICK!" Kyo whined.

" Shigure, can't you call someone to drive us or something?" Yuki sighed.

" I COULD… call your brother!" Shigure said cheerfully.

No one objected, despite how bad Ayame's driving is. However, then Shigure changed his mind.

" Nevermind." He said. " Ayame is coming to pick me up so we can go visit Haa-san! So that's out of the picture."

" Why can't he do both?" Kyo demanded.

" He just CAN'T." Shigure said in an offended manner. " It's not like he's SUPERMAN or something."

" Then… how will we get there?" Kyo said slowly in a defeated manner.

" Hmm… wait one second." Shigure said, then whipped out his cell phone. YOU remember his cell phone. Then he pressed number FIVE on speed-dial and they all waited patiently.

" Hello? Yeah, it's me. We've got a situation… code silver. That's right. Can you handle it? You can? Alright. Get here where you get here." Then Shigure hung up the phone and gave them all a thumbs up. " YOSH! Your ride will be here shortly."

" WHO DID YOU CALL!" Kyo demanded suspicously.

" It's a… SURPRISE!" Shigure said gleefully as if it would make all of them that much more excited about being driven to school if it were a surprise.

" I don't want a surprise! I want the facts!" Kyo whined, but then was interrupted by someone standing outside and honking the horn of a car like a fool instead of just walking up and knocking on the door. That's right… it was Ayame! YAAAY!

" Gure-san! I'm here!" Ayame called, wearing a giant fur coat, a scarf, earmuffs, and a silly little eskimo hat. " Are you ready!"

" AYA! I sure am!" Shigure exclaimed, pushing all the kids out of the house and then locking and bolting the door. Then he started to frolic over to Ayame's car.

" WAIT!" Kyo called. " Why did you lock us out!"

" I can't leave you in the house alone while I'm gone!" Shigure gasped, even though he WAS leaving them out in the freezing cold. " Just wait patiently for your ride, children!"

" Tohru-kun! Kyonkichi! Yuki!" Ayame called cheerfully, waving like a fool. " I would give you my greetings, but it's so terribly cold and I'm enjoying the warm caress of the heater in this car too much!"

The three kids started to feel a lot more colder all of a sudden.

" Aya!" Shigure cheered, jumping into the car and glomping Ayame.

" Gure-san! I told you that whenever you needed me, all you had to do was call my name!" Ayame said, glomping Shigure back.

" And I DID! CALL ME, CALL ME… LET ME KNOW IT'S ALRIGHT… EAAAAASE MY MIND…" Shigure and Ayame started to sing in over the top off-key voices.

" B-but I didn't get my backpack!" Kyo called, but unfortunately, Ayame and Shigure didn't hear him over their singing.

" Ja bai bai!" Ayame called and then drove off leaving the three of them in his snowy dust.

" This… SUCKS!" Kyo yelled at the top of his lungs.

" Quit yelling, baka neko."

" IT REALLY SUCKS! What did you say? WANNA FIGHT!"

" No! Fighting is wrong!"

" BRING IT!"

" Oh, it's already BROUGHT IT." Said Yuki, and then started to beat up Kyo, but Kyo held up his hands at the last second.

" I'm sick. You can't attack me when I'm sick."

" But you were the one starting the fight."

" Well, I FORGOT I was sick, okay!" Kyo yelled.

_How do you forget that you're sick? _Yuki and Tohru wondered.

Oh well… you guys know Kyo… he's the CAT!

HOOONK!

Hatori woke up with a sore throat. But this usually happens in winter so he wasn't THAT surprised. Just annoyed. He got up, drunk some hot tea to calm that sore throat DOWN, then woke up Haru and Momiji to go to school.

" What's for breakfast?" Momiji and Haru asked after they had gotten dressed and ready for school, sitting at the kitchen table like helpless high-schoolers that can't even make their OWN breakfast.

" Well…" Said Hatori, who was just enough of a big softie to make them breakfast, " You can either have Toaster Strudel, Cocoa Puffs, or toast."

" TOASTER STRUDEL!" Momiji cheered even though he REALLY doesn't need anymore sugar.

" Hmm…" Said Haru, trying to make up his mind. Hatori decided he'd get a head start and just make Momiji's toaster strudel. He did so ever so carefully because he didn't want to accidently burn them. When he had finished, Haru had made up his mind.

" Toast." Said Haru.

" Okay." Said Hatori, and popped a piece of bread into the toaster, then waited for it to finish. When it was done, he put it on the plate and gave it to Haru.

" What is THIS?" Haru said in an offended voice, giving the toast a bug-eyed look.

" Toast." Hatori replied, thinking that perhaps Haru had just temporarily forgotten what toast was.

" I wanted a TOASTER strudel." Haru continued in a voice that sounded amazed at Hatori's stupidity.

" Haru, you said TOAST." Said Hatori.

" You didn't let me finish." Said Haru sadly.

" Well, just eat the toast." Hatori sighed, since it was almost time for school anyway.

" No. I don't like toast." Said Haru. WHO DOES?

" Eat it anyway." Said Hatori.

" If you make me eat this toast, I'll turn into Black Haru." Haru warned.

Well, Hatori didn't know if this was TRUE or not, but he didn't really want to risk it, so he gave in and made Haru the Toaster strudel anyway. And NOW, their whole schedule was thrown out of balance and he would have to skip the children's VITAMINS! ARGH!

" Okay, everyone put on their coats. It's very cold out today." Said Hatori when everyone finished their toaster strudels.

" Okay" Said Haru and Momiji and put on their coats. Then Hatori drove them to school because he wasn't about to let those poor children WALK to school in such conditions! Good Lord! Then it took him a LONG time to get back home because it was so wet and cold and slippery.

When he finally pulled back into the driveway… who should be waiting for him but… HIS TWO BEST FRIENDS IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD! YAAAAAAY!

" Damn." Said Hatori.

" HAA-SAN!" Shigure yelled from the front porch.

" TORI-SAN!" Ayame echoed.

" HAA-SAN!"

" TORI-SAN!"

" HAA-SAN!"

" TORI-SAN!"

They continued to repeat this over and over until finally Hatori reached them. Then they just gave him a hug. Hatori pushed them off and glared at them.

" What are you two doing here?" He demanded.

" It's WINTER! We should spend more time with each other!" Ayame pouted.

" Tis the season to be… MABUDACHI…" Shigure said, striking a pose.

" I'm cold and I fear I may become a snake at any second! Can you PLEASE open the door!" Ayame demanded as if Hatori had been keeping it locked on purpose. Hatori sighed and opened the door for Ayame and Shigure to frolic in.

" So, Haa-san, what are your winter plans?" Shigure asked Hatori.

" Uh…" Said Hatori since he didn't really have any, but he didn't want Shigure and Ayame to know that. Then they could make FUN of him and his nerdy NO planness!

" What I really mean is… HAVE YOU GOTTEN MY PRESENT YET!" Shigure cheered, dancing around Hatori like a fool.

" Of course not." Hatori chided. " Christmas is a whole twenty-four days away."

" Well, I have YOUR present." Shigure lied.

" Oh…" Said Hatori, starting to feel a little bad.

" AHEM! I KNOW YOU TWO THINK YOU ARE HAVING AN IMPORTANT CONVERSATION BUT I HAVE SOMETHING EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO SAY!" Ayame yelled at the top of his lungs.

"…what?" Hatori and Shigure asked.

"… do you think these earmuffs make my nose look abnormally large?" Ayame pondered, staring in the mirror.

" I didn't want to say anything…" Shigure whispered dramatically, " But…"

" I KNEW it!" Ayame gasped, taking the earmuffs off and chucking them away randomly, but they hit Hatori in the head. " I'll never wear them again, no matter how cold my ears get!"

" …did you two really come here for any purpose at all?" Hatori wondered, rubbing the spot on his forehead where the earmuffs had hit him.

Just in time to save Shigure and Ayame from making up some random excuse… THE DOORBELL RANG!

" Mailman!" Called the random mailman.

" MAIL?" Shigure gasped in an overdramatic voice, then started to dance around and sing.

" Here's the mail, it never fails, it makes me want to wag my tail! When it comes, I want to wail…" Shigure took a deep breath and then knelt down and held out his arms and sang in an opera voice, " MAAAAAAAAAAAIL…….!"

Then there was an awkward silence.

" Are you done?" Hatori asked.

" Probably." Said Shigure.

Then Hatori opened the door to see a mailman we'll call Mailman Bob.

" Here you go!" Said Mailman Bob, handing Hatori one letter because that's all the mail Hatori had for THIS day. " Have a nice day!" Then Mailman Bob walked off to explode. Why did he explode? Well…

I think now is the time to introduce the very popular theory called, Hayley's Theory of Explosion. See, if someone, ANYONE just isn't important and isn't going to appear more than once, they simply explode. Just like that. You know those buses that you take just ONCE in your life, and you know that bus driver? He will just simply drive off and explode when the time comes.

In fact, there is a prime example of this actually IN Fruits Basket. In the episode where they go to the Hot Springs, they ride there on a bus. That stupid, random bus driver just drives off, and explodes. Which is why, at the end of the episode, Kyo remarks the bus is late. You know why? BECAUSE THE BUS DOESN'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE!

" A letter! You got a letter!" Shigure gasped as Mailman Bob exploded.

" Please don't sing again." Hatori said.

" Too late." Said Shigure and started to sing.

" We just got a letter, we just got a letter, we just got a letter, I WONDER WHO IT'S FROM….!" He ended in the same overly dramatic voice, and held the note until his face turned red.

While he was singing, Hatori opened the letter. Then he read it carefully. It went like this.

Dear Hatori Sohma,

So which do you like better? Snapple or Fanta? I myself like Snapple. I hope you continue to make good elections in the way you part your hair.

Sincerely

Hatori frowned at the letter. It wasn't signed. Not only that… it was kind of a WEIRD letter. Who cared whether Hatori liked Snapple better than Fanta? And who CARED how Hatori parted his hair?

How… odd…

" Who is it from?" Shigure asked nosily.

" I don't know… Anyway…" Hatori started to say, not wanting his friends to read such an odd and embarassing letter that they would probably tease him about. He balled it up and put it in his pocket, then looked back to see Shigure and Ayame staring at him expectantly.

" What?" He asked.

" We have a surprise for you, Haa-san!" Shigure cheered.

…what was it? YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NEXT TIME! SUCKER! And let me all hear you say…

Guess who's back? Back again? Hayley's back! TELL A FRIEND!

BOO-YAH!

OMAKE!

Hello. I'm Hayley Wallace. You may know me from such fanfics as Legal Shoopuf, Shooball, or Shoopuf Basket. The omake is a section where we answer your questions! It can be any question you want just as long as it isn't about the three things I hate the most.

Shelinda

Teddiursa

Epona

In THAT order.

And now let's meet our Review Crew! Even if we're answering questions, we demand to be called the REVIEW CREW! HAH!

First is everyone's favorite writer, artist, otaku, high school girl and random loud idiot, ME! HAYLEY! HURRAH! Feel free to ask me any question that doesn't make me feel threatened and want to move to another state and delete any trace of me on the internet! YOSH!

Next is… Carl! The Sarcastic Talking Purple Wooper! He's HERE this time and he's taking names!

Carl: Bite me.

And everyone's favorite big lovable lug… BIGFOOT! FOOT-CHAN!

Bigfoot: HELLO EVERY PEOPLE.

The three of us team up to answer your questons, whatever they may be! And sometimes we'll have special guests, so look forward to that too!

So please enjoy Shoorruba, continue to brush your teeth so they don't get all crinkly, and ASK QUESTIONS!

Ja!


	2. Kyo and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good,...

Chapter 2

Kyo's and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad DAY

Part 1

" Today is the worst day of my whole LIFE." Kyo stated grumpily, sitting on the front porch and wiping his nose with his sleeve because he didn't have a kleenex.

UM. No, I don't think so, Kyon. Don't make me go through a list of all the angsty and horrible things that happened to you.

" Well, it's the worst day of this WEEK! SO FAR!" Kyo added, because who knows when Kyo will turn into a giant smelly praying mantis-easter bunny hybrid?

" I'm so sorry Kyo-kun! If there was something I could I would!" Tohru said fretfully. Somehow it all seemed like it was ALL HER FAULT! ARGH!

" This is so stupid! How am I supposed to go to school if I don't even have my BACKPACK! I'm gonna turn into someone ANNOYING like Haru who always has to borrow pencils and sheets of paper!" Kyo moaned, because there's nothing more humiliating than THAT.

" You can borrow my pencil, Kyo-kun." Tohru said happily.

But of course, this just made Kyo feel even WORSE. Because he CARES about Tohru and for her to give him her pencil freely was just too much for his feeble mind to handle.

" No… I couldn't… AS A MAN I COULDN'T TAKE A WOMAN'S PENCIL!" Kyo screamed at no one in particular, standing up with fire raging in the background. He looked up to his good friend the roof, and then the window to his room below it. THERE… his backpack was THERE.

" I'll get that backpack!" Said Kyo, and without warning ran up to a convinently placed tree and started to scramble up it.

" No! Kyo-kun! You're sick! It's dangerous!" Tohru started to panic, while Kyo continued to climb the tree like some sort of redhead monkey.

" YAAAAAAH!" Said Kyo, jumping towards his window! Ah! Closer and closer he came! He could see inside his room! HEY! He hadn't made his bed! What if YUKI had made his bed already? But anyway… there it was! His backpack lying innocently on the floor! Kyo propeled his airborne body towards the window…

And hit his head because the window was closed! DUUUH.

" ARGH!" Kyo screamed in agony and fell down and landed in the snow with a splat.

" Kyo-kun!" Tohru cried, rushing over to make sure he hadn't broken his fool head.

" My brain… I can't feel my brain…" Kyo wailed pitifully, clutching his forehead.

" That's because it's not there." Yuki remarked sarcastically like he always does, but since Fruits Basket doesn't have a laugh track he didn't get the satisfaction of a snide remark well done.

" Shut up Yuki!" Kyo said pathetically. GREAT. Just GREAT. Kyo, now you're sick, dosed on nyquil, didn't have breakfast, not prepared for school, AND your uniform is all wet! Are you trying to kill yourself or something?

" This day CAN'T get any worse." Kyo said like the complete fool he was.

Suddenly a car horn started to beep enthusiastically. Everyone turned around to see a shiny pink convertible and none other than…

" FLUNKY!" Kureno shouted joyously, wearing big John Lennon sunglasses and a giant shiny rolex watch.

" Please, please, God no." Kyo and Yuki muttered to themselves.

" The Lone Chicken is here to pick you up and take you to school! What do you have to say to that, Flunky!" Kureno said proudly, then thrust forward his wrist with the rolex on it. " How do you like the Lone Chicken's BLING?"

" I AM NOT YOUR FLUNKY! AND THAT IS NOT BLING!" Kyo cried in an offended voice.

" SURE you're not." Kureno chuckled foolishly. " And believe me, I know BLING when I SEEN. Bling." He added in a slightly confused voice.

" Kureno… Shigure really called you to take us to school? You didn't just drive up randomly and decide to do it yourself?" Yuki asked cautiously.

" OF COURSE HE CALLED ME! What do you take me for! A FOOL!" Kureno sniffed.

" But you HATE the Mabudachi Trio! WHY WOULD YOU DO THEM A FAVOR!" Kyo growled, beyond all levels of confusion.

" AH! You see, flunky… it is BECAUSE I hate them I do them this favor, because doing them a favor filled with hatred is not doing a favor at all, therefore I am not helping them at all! I am doing the opposite! I am… NOT helping them." Kureno finished, pushing his glasses up past his nose like Ishida.

Everyone took a few seconds to reflect on this nice little piece of Lone Chicken logic.

" Very well! Now hop into the Lone Chicken's Chickmobile, and we will be off to the Flunky School!" Kureno said, opening the doors to his convertible with a little remote thing.

" It is NOT called Flunky School." Said Kyo.

" Thank you so much, Kureno-san!" Tohru cried, hopping into the car like a fool.

" Your WELCOME, Not-Flunky. The Lone Chicken's generosity knows no bounds!" Kureno chuckled foolishly. And since Kyo and Yuki couldn't leave Tohru in a car alone with Kureno, they sighed and got in too.

Just so you KNOW… because I know you LOVE to know… this is how they were sitting.

TohruKyoYuki

Kureno

Nobody wanted to sit next to Kureno, unfortunately. Not even his trusty flunky! But THAT'S okay! Kureno doesn't know the difference between someone being scared of him and someone hating him and someone in awe of him, so he just assumed they were all in awe of him.

" Now where is this… SCHOOL? Is it by the mall?" Kureno asked them after he had driven in a completely random direction for about five minutes.

" YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE IT IS!" Kyo screamed.

" EXCUSE ME! The Lone Chicken wouldn't ask this question if he KNEW where it was." Kureno gasped, bring the convertible to a stop. " Maybe if you would be a GOOD flunky and give me DIRECTIONS."

" Okay. Turn around. Then take a left until you get to the freeway." Said Yuki with a little sigh, looking out of the car like the most bored person in the universe.

" I'm sorry. I don't take orders from you." Kureno said arrogantly.

" But I'm telling you how to get to our school!" Yuki protested.

" AWK! Be quiet. I'll accept advice from my flunky, but otherwise, zip it good, Mickey. That's what I thought." Said Kureno, shaking his bling watch acround.

Kyo gave Yuki an awkward look, then sighed. " Just because I'm TELLING you this doesn't mean I'm your FLUNKY, okay?"

" Yeeees?" Kureno said in an innocent voice.

" Turn around. Take a left until you get to the freeway." Kyo said in a monotone voice.

" That's just what I was thinking!" Kureno chuckled foolishly and turned the car around. Then they drove to the freeway! It was… not exciting! Kyo was also gettng more and more of a cold because Kureno's convertible had no roof and his uniform was wet and the wind was… POWERFUL!

" Now what, Flunky?" Kureno called.

" Tell him to get off on exit 31, then take a right, and that then we'll be there." Yuki whispered to Kyo.

" Get off exit 41, take a right, and then we'll be there." Kyo repeated in a depressed voice, coughing a little bit.

" No. THIRTY-ONE." Yuki said.

" THIRTY-ONE!" Kyo told Kureno quickly.

" Too late!" Said Kureno, turning on to exit 41. " Oh well! There's a Mcdonalds here anyway."

" But… but… WE HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL!" Kyo and Yuki yelled.

" Well, the LONE CHICKEN has to get an Egg Mcmuffin!" Kureno replied hotly. " And if you don't like it you can just get over it!" And with that he pulled sharply into a Mcdonalds drive through. The line was long too with all sorts of exploding people on their early morning run before they were late for explosion.

" This sucks…" Kyo moaned.

" What would you like from Mcdonalds, Akito?" Kureno asked randomly as they sat in line.

" Akito?" Everyone said slowly. Then they turned around to look at the right of Tohru where Akito was huddled up in the corner of the seat wearing an eskimo suit! ARGH! THEY HADN'T EVEN SEEN HIM!

"…fries…" Akito said in a very creepy voice, eyeing the three of them eeriely as a dark aura surrounded him.

" Hello Akito-san!" Tohru said with a lot of sprarklies and butterflies surrounding here while Kyo and Yuki practically embraced each other to scoot as far away from Akito as possible.

" Honda Tohru-san… what are YOU doing here?" Akito said mysteriously behind his eskimo suit.

" Oh, just going to school! What are YOU doing Akito-san?" Tohru asked foolishly.

" None of your buisness! We don't need the likes of you! You can't break the curse! OMAE NO SAE DA!" Akito screamed, pointing cryptically at Tohru.

" Okay!" Said Tohru.

" Hello! This is the Lone Chicken. I would like an Egg Mcmuffin and a medium fries please!" Kureno chirped cheerfully when they reached the menu.

" LARGE." Akito said in a dangerous voice.

"…make that LARGE fries." Kureno chuckled foolishly.

" Anything else?" Asked the exploding receptionist person.

" Akito, can THEY have anything?" Kureno asked Akito, jerking a thumb at Tohru, Yuki and Kyo.

"…NO." Akito said as if he were making the decision as to if their lives would be spared or not.

" Alrighty-then!" Said Kureno and then waited patiently as a few more people grabbed their food and exploded in front of them. Finally the exploding employee handed him his food and then they were off once more!

" Here's your fries Akito!" Kureno said, handing Akito his order of fries. Akito took them and stuck one into his mouth and took about six minutes nibbling on it. The he gave Yuki and Kyo an evil look.

" It displeases me that we have to waste time getting you to your school… perhaps you shouldn't attend it anymore…" He whispered, waving his fry around ominously.

" Like ME! When I was a furling!" Kureno chuckled foolishly.

" What are you going there to become anyway, my foolish children?" Akito murmured in his lispy japanese voice, making him a lispy japanese eskimo. " What do you think you will grow up to be?"

" I want to be someone who can accept others!" Tohru exclaimed. Even though she already IS! ARGH!

Yuki wasn't so sure, so he didn't say anything. Kyo had a secret dream of being a fishmonger but he covered it up with his OTHER backup dream.

" I want to be… the P-1 Grand Champ…" Kyo said uneasily, glad he was using his BACKUP dream for Akito to crush.

" Well, I never wanted to be a Kureno… I wanted to be… a member of the MABUDACHI!" Kureno said up front in a random british accent. " Leaping from girl to girl down the halls of the mighty high school columbia! The preps! The nerds! The saucy little-"

" SHUT UP!" Akito shrieked. " Do you know what I wanted to be?"

"…no." Said everyone, certain that the answer would be depressing.

" GOD! WHO RULES OVER ALL THE PATHETIC LITTLE ANIMALS THAT THINK THEY WILL SOMEDAY AMOUNT TO SOMETHING IN LIFE, WHEN REALLY THEY'LL STAY WITH ME FOREVER! And guess what? I BECAME that God!" Then Akito cackled insanely and choked on a french fry.

" WHOA, there, Akito, calm down a bit!" Kureno chuckled foolishly.

" So you can FORGET all your dreams to be a Sailboat tour-guide and whatnot." Akito said after he managed to hack up the french fry and gave them an evil sneer. " Now have a nice day at… SCHOOL."

Everyone turned around to see Kureno had stopped in front of the school. Kyo, Yuki, and Tohru stepped out of the car and then watched Kureno and Akito drive off in the crazy pink convertible.

" See you later flunky, not-flunkies!" Kureno shouted.

" ANGST! ANGST AWAY, PATHETIC BISHOUNEN!"

" Bye Kureno-san! Bye Akito-san! WOW! Wasn't that nice of them?" Tohru exclaimed like a fool.

"…I hate my life…" Said Kyo.

" Me too." Said Yuki.

" OI!" Everyone turned around to see it was Uo-chan and Hana-chan! Yes! They were waiting obsessively at the VERY spot that Kureno dropped them off at! Why? It's… convienent! I know! It was Hana-chan's denpa powers! HURRAH!

" Uo-chan! Hana-chan!" Tohru said happily as if she wasn't expecting them to be there at all.

" Yo! Hey, Kyon… why were you riding around in a pink convertible with an eskimo and the pimp?" Uo asked in a seriously disturbed voice.

" WHY ARE YOU ONLY ASKING ME!" Kyo yelled.

" And where's your backpack?" Uo asked, showing off her OWN backpack just to jog Kyo's mind as to what a backpack was. " Did you leave it with your pimp?"

" He is NOT MY PIMP!" Kyo screamed. " I DON'T HAVE A PIMP!"

" He's your Sugar Daddy!" Uo cheered since now she was having fun.

" I don't have… a SUGAR DADDY…!" Kyo gasped in the most offended voice of all time.

" It was just family giving us a ride." Yuki explained like the boring person he is.

" YEAH!" Said Kyo, open to any evidence proving that he didn't have a sugar daddy.

" Sohma Kyo…" Hana said slowly. " Your waves… are like those of a jellyfish chopped into a million pieces and then barbecued."

Kyo just stared at Tohru's friends and wondered why he deseserved to be accused of having a Sugar Daddy and being a barbecued jellyfish all in one day.

" HEY!" Said some random guy that wasn't even a teacher. " WHY AIN'T YOU KIDS IN SCHOOL WHERE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE!"

" We're sorry!" All the kids called and ran into school like fools, except for Kyo who accidently slipped and fell down, but nobody noticed him. HA HA!

" This… this is TOO MUCH!" Kyo whined.

" I said get into school! Kick! Kick!" Said the random guy, and kicked Kyo a few times just for the hell of it, then exploded, leaving poor Kyo lying in the snow. Kyo lay and let himself take a few breaths to calm down, then slowly started towards the cafeteria to get some lunchroom breakfast! REMEMBER? He hadn't had any earlier!

" Oi! Uotani! Hanajima! Where did you guys go!" Kyo called, since he didn't really want to be alone in this time of his life. And ALSO, he needed to borrow some money.

" SHHHHHH!" Said some random nerd with a book. " I'm trying to study! And I can't with you yelling!"

" Well, SORRY." Kyo said in an embarassed voice, then looked around for his random friends that don't even deserve names we see him with sometimes. But they were nowhere to be found! And he had no money! But he was hungry! ARGH!

So Kyo did the only think a Kyo could do… he got into the lunchline anyway. He figured, HEY, they have to have some sort of school credit for people who forgot their money! That's right, Kyo. A school cafeteria would NEVER turn a hungry student away!

So Kyo got into line behind a bunch of exploding students. And not only THAT, but a lot of random people kept SKIPPING him and yelling, " SCURZE ME!" In an annoying voice! But Kyo didn't skip. Because Kazuma had always taught him even as a little furling, ' Skipping is bad.' He would have taught him a fun little rhyme to sing but… he didn't.

FINALLY, after like… FIVE people skipped him, Kyo reached the lunch part of the lunch line. He got his paper tray and his plasticware, and then he decided what to get! NOT! He didn't have a choice. With cafeteria food, there ARE no choices. You merely take what you are given and are GRATEFUL that you're almost out of that godforsaken line! So Kyo got a bagel with no flavor and a piece of ham. How a bagel and a piece of ham go together to form a healthy breakfast is BEYOND me, but at least it was something.

Then he got some fruit juice! It was pineapple apple! MMMMMM. Kyo put his pineapple apple next to his bagel and piece of ham, then shuffled his way up the lunch lady. Her name is Lunch Lady Fran, and she's normally a pleasant woman, but today her car had a flat so she isn't in the BEST of moods.

" What?" Lunch Lady Fran asked when Kyo just sort of stood there uneasily.

" Uh… I don't have any lunch money." Said Kyo, just now realizing how retarded he looked.

" Well, did you go and wait through the line and get a tray and food JUST to tell me that?" Lunch Lady Fran asked in a sarcastic voice.

"…no…" Kyo said sulkily, aware of all the students watching him and his rebellious orange head. " I just… don't have any money."

" And you expect us to just GIVE you food anyway?" Lunch Lady Fran demanded.

" Kind of." Said Kyo. " I'd pay you back!" He added earnestly when Lunch Lady Fran gave him the evil lunch lady eye.

" Oh, SURE. I've heard THAT one before. No way. Who do you think you are?" She added.

" YEAH! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!" Everyone behind him yelled.

" Freak!" Added some guy in a really deep voice.

Kyo started to yell back, but then coughed really hard instead. Lunch Lady Fran practically threw herself over the tray as if it were a bomb and almost knocked Kyo down.

" Oh, NO, you don't!" Said Lunch Lady Fran. " You're not contaminating this food and then getting it free!"

" I don't WANT to do that! I'm sick!" Kyo exclaimed.

" Sick freak!" Yelled that guy with the deep voice.

" You're not getting one past old Fran! So unless you can find someone to lend you a dollar in FIVE seconds, I'm going to confiscate this food and give it someone who can PAY for it!" Lunch Lady Fran said.

Kyo turned to the person in line next to him. " Can I borrow a dollar?" He asked.

" IMPOSHIBIBBLE!" Shoopuf Dude cried in a flabbergasted voice.

" FIVE!" Said Lunch Lady Fran. " That's it! Get out of line!"

" Yeah, get out of line, punk!" Called some guy with a squeaky voice.

" FINE!" Kyo yelled, throwing up his arms in disgust. " JUST FINE!"

" You want to get an attitude with me, sonny boy? Then YOU put this juice box back up." Lunch Lady Fran said irritably, shoving the pineapple apple juice back into Kyo's hand.

" But… I have to squeeze through all those people…" Kyo said uneasily. And if he squeezed against a GIRL… ARGH! It's just so crazy I can't even imagine it!

" Then go to the END of the line." Said Lunch Lady Fran. Not seeing any other alternative, Kyo sighed and marched to the end of the line. Now he was going to have to go through that stupid lunch line ALL OVER AGAIN. MAN!

As he was stepping along, who should Kyo see but HARU! Standing right next to the juice box section! Haru was eating his bagel before he got to pay for it like a foolish child! GEEZ! I guess that toaster strudel wasn't enough for a cow like him and his THREE STOMACHS!

" Hey, Haru. Hey!" Kyo whispered when Lunch Lady Fran wasn't looking. Haru turned his head slowly and looked at Kyo as if that had been the first time he had ever seen him in his entire life.

" Put this juice box up!" Kyo hissed, trying to pass it along to Haru.

" No thanks. I already have a juice box." Haru replied, not really listening.

" NO! Put it UP!" Kyo pressed, but then stopped when Lunch Lady Fran looked over to him suspicously.

_Kyo likes me a little TOO much, _Haru thought to himself and moved up in line. Kyo gritted his teeth and took a few hoot breaths, then continued to wait in that never-ending line. FINALLY, he reached the juice box section, plopped it in there, and Lunch Lady Fran gave him a nod of approval.

" BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING!"

Just so you know, that was the school bell. Kyo didn't randomly go insane or something.

" Oh no! I'm going to be late!" Kyo exclaimed outloud like a fool, and started to run for his class. UNFORTUNATELY… it was on the SIXTH floor! MWHAHAHAHA! MWHAAHAHA! HA!

But Kyo had a PLAN! He was going to use that elevator reserved for teachers and cripples! SECRETLY! Looking both ways to make sure no one was watching, Kyo ran up to the elevator and pressed the button.

_HURRY! YOU STUPID ELEVATOR!_ Kyo yelled mentally.

_EXCUUUUSE ME, CAT! _The elevator replied mentally. Then it went DING-DONG, and opened. And WHO should be there but… Security Fred! Also know as… part-time SCHOOL security Fred! GASP!

" What do you think you're doing, you? Trying to use this elevator when you are neither a teacher OR a cripple?" Security Fred demanded.

_DAMN! I've been caught in the act!_ Kyo thought to himself mentally.

_Sho' nuff. _The elevator observed.

" Well? ANSWER Security Fred when he ASKS you a question!" Said Security Fred, jabbing one finger at Kyo angrily. " Do you know the consequences for trying to use an elevator when you are not SUPPOSED to?"

"…no…" Said Kyo in a slow resentful way.

" You must do TWO HOURS OF COMMUNITY SERVICE!" Security Fred yelled at the top of his lungs. " And you will NOT like it! BECAUSE NOBODY DOES!"

" Well why are YOU using the elevator? You're not a teacher!" Kyo snapped, mind racing for a way to avoid that terrible threat of community service.

" I broke my leg in a skiing accident!" Security Fred chuckled like Kureno, showing off his cast. Kyo took one look at it and then went zooming up the stairs as fast as he could.

" HEY! COME BACK HERE, RED! YOU HAVEN'T RECEIVED YOUR PUNISHMENT YET!" Security Fred called as Kyo zoomed up the stairs and towards his classroom, painfully aware of the nearing sound of the TARDY bell.

_I can go the distance!_ Kyo cheered himself on as he galloped down the hall and inspirtational music began to play, and the door seemed to fly closer and closer and the doorknob got shinier and shinier. Kyo locked his hand over the doorknob and flung the door open, then leaped inside and slid across the floor just as the bell rung.

" I MADE IT!" Kyo yelled, crashing into the wall. Then he jumped up and looked around victoriously as all the students in their desks just stared at him.

" You're not sitting down. Get a tardy pass." Said Mayuko, not even looking up from the magazine she was reading at her desk.

" ARGH!" Said Kyo. " Since when is that a rule!"

" I dunno. It just seemed like a good idea. Bye now." Mayuko said with a little smile. Kyo bit back words he knew would only hand him in more trouble and then stomped ALL the way back down to the tardy office, since everyone knows the tardy office is always on the first floor.

On the way there, Security Fred hobbled over to him and thrust a sheet of paper at him. " LOOK!" He demanded. " THIS is your punishment for attempting to ride an elevator AND for running away while Security Fred was trying to talk to you!"

" FIVE HOURS at Pappy Go Happy OLD FOLKS home!" Kyo groaned. ARGH! OLD PEOPLE! THE WORST KIND OF COMMUNITY SERVICE!

" That's right, ginger pudding and pie. Maybe THAT will teach you something about abusing crippled people! Now sign my cast." Security Fred added, pointing at his cast.

Kyo paused and gave Security Fred a weird look. " Why should I sign your cast?"

" Because I SAID so. Go on. Do it." Security Fred continued, sticking out his leg with a cast.

" I have to get a tardy…" Kyo said awkwardly.

" SIGN IT!" Security Fred bellowed.

So Kyo signed the cast, ' Get well soon. From Kyo Sohma.' And he felt like the biggest dork in the entire planet. Then he took his paper telling him that he had to go to Pappy Go Happy Old Folks Home and stormed off into the office to get his tardy slip. Once he had his little pink ticket back to hell, he dragged himself up the stairs again to Mayuko's classroom. And by now he was coughing and tired and very sick, not to mention weak from all the starving and running and freezing.

" TOOK you long enough." Said Mayuko, erasing the chalkboard. " You missed the bellringer. I guess I'll just have to put a zero down."

ARGH! NO! NOT THE BELLRINGER! THAT'S AN EASY 100! GRRR!

" Marshas fraches smaches matches…" Kyo grumbled to himself in a chuckle-inducing manner and stomped off to his desk until to find… that it was already taken. By none other than HATSUHARU. Sohma.

By now, Kyo was too tired to even do anything but stand there and stare at Haru with his mouth open. Haru twiddled his thumbs and pretended not to notice Kyo until finally he couldn't stand the tension anymore.

" What?" Haru asked.

" You're sitting… in MY seat." Kyo stated, as if Haru had broken the desk into a million pieces.

" I don't see your name written on it." Haru replied non-menacingly, an innocent look on his face.

" IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE WRITTEN ON IT! THIS IS MY SEAT! AND WHY THE HELL IS HARU IN THIS CLASS ANYWAY!" Kyo yelled.

" The Shadow card piled all of our desks into a big stack so we have to come to your classroom today!" Momiji called from a desk next to Tohru.

" YOU'RE here too!" Kyo gasped as if he had never been so offended in his life.

" YEP!" Momiji cheered. " And so is Rin!"

OH MY GOD! Everyone stared at Rin who was just sitting there RANDOMLY and MYSTERIOUSLY. Why was SHE here? She's not in the tenth grade! Or the eleventh grade! SHE DOESN'T EVEN GO TO THIS SCHOOL AT ALL!

ARGH! DAMN YOU MYSTEROUS HORSE! Now I have to come up with an excuse… Uh, Rin was there because her school had been flooded… and so they automatically sent her to Kaibara High School and she just so happened to get this class… yeah… what a coincidence… small world, huh?

…

" HARU'S SITTING IN MY SEAT!" Kyo exclaimed, having taken in all this information, and deciding he was still mad about it.

" It's not his fault you missed class because you were off with your boyfriend in the pink cadillac." Uo muttered to herself in front of Haru. Because her desk is in front of Kyos. Which is now Harus. But it's really Kyos.

DUUUUUUUUUUUUH.

" Kyo has a BOYFRIEND!" Everyone gasped, including Momiji and Haru. Then they started to sing the infamous K-I-S-S-I-N-G song only replacing tree with pink cadillac.

" I WASN'T…SENSEI! THIS GUY TOOK MY CHAIR!" Kyo whined, waving his hand in the air like a fool.

" What you do in your personal time is none of my business. Now sit down and shut up." Mayuko said boredly, just letting all this chaos play out.

" I DON'T DO ANYTHING IN MY PERSONAL TIME! THAT'S MY SEAT!"

" I was here first." Haru said innocently.

" I was here FIRST! I WAS HERE A WHOLE YEAR BEFORE YOU!" Kyo screamed, rapping one fist in front of Haru threateningly.

" Alright, orangie, that's enough. Skidaddle to an empty seat… or skidaddle to DETENTION. Your choice." Mayuko said crossly.

Kyo didn't really want to skidaddle anywhere, but he REALLY didn't want to skidaddle to Detention so he gave Haru a death glare which Haru didn't notice, and marched off to find a seat in which to sit his little behind in.

UNFORTUNATELY… Momiji had taken the empty seat next to Tohru. And random exploding freshman had taken the spots next to Kyo's random buddies that don't even deserve to have names. And there was an empty seat by YUKI, and there's no way KYO would sit by YUKI. Why? He's the CAT!

So this left Kyo with one more option… an option many would never dare to consider… the seat next to… NERDY NEO.

Whether his name is actually Neo or if it is something else… is unknown. The reason for his name, actually, probably spawned from the fact that he looks like the dorkiest Keanu Reeves cosplayer ever. Why he always wears those crazy sunglasses is also unknown, just like the color of his eyes. Or why he always eats a sandwich and then a Gogurt. Or why I'm bothering to put him in this fictional story.

Nerdy Neo sat at the very back of the class, so Kyo took the long trek back to class and sat down uncomfortably next to Nerdy Neo, who was just staring ahead. Or down. Or maybe he was asleep. You can't see his eyes so you just PLAIN DON'T KNOW!

" KYON! HOW'S THE VIEW BACK THERE? NYUK NYUK NYUK!" Uo called, and then cackled evilly.

" Arisa… that's very immature…" Hana murmured as if she CARED or something.

" Yeah, but he actually gets mad." Uo pointed out as Kyo started to scream and fume at her.

" I DON'T NEED YOU GUYS! I'VE GOT… MYSELF!" Kyo called, deciding he couldn't really say that he had Nerdy Neo because… NOBODY got Nerdy Neo. Then everyone laughed at him because that's a REALLY pathetic comeback.

" It's too bad Kyo will have to be there for the rest of the semester!" Momiji said happily.

" You guys are going to be here ALL SEMESTER!" Kyo yelled.

" Yeah. And I'm going to sit here all semester too. I like it. You can look out the window." Haru said calmly, and then looked out the window. He'll be doing A LOT of that.

" I don't know how long I'll be here." Rin said mysteriously. You never know WHEN she'll be there… or here… or WHERE!

" This sucks." Kyo muttered, but nobody heard him. Except for Nerdy Neo. Or did he? Does he listen? Does he speak? DOES IT MATTER? Perhaps he's a deaf, blind, mute and I'm just too ignorant to notice.

" Alright. Everyone get out your homework."

" ARGH!"

OMAKE!

Shucks Howdy! How ya'll doin'? So sorry for the late update… NOT! Why should I be sorry? I'M the only one who doesn't have to wait unlike you guys. MWHAHAHAHAHA! And what's more… you'll have to wait even longer for the next chapter! Or maybe not. Maybe I already have it done and I'm pulling a Shigure on you.

YOU DON'T KNOW.

But at least you won't have to wait for question and answer with the Review Crew! Okay! Let's go! LOVELY SHERRY!

Hopester: Which do you prefer, Snapple or Fanta?

Hayley: …SANGRIA!

Bigfoot: FANTA, FANTA, BIGFOOT WANTA.

Carl: …oh, THAT'S an original question. Couldn't you think up one that wasn't even in the story or can your feeble mind make up nothing of it's own?

…look out guys. Carl is nasty.

Duct Tape Kitten: If you threw Kureno off a cliff, would he fly?

Hayley: I dunno! Let's try! (grabs Kureno)

Kureno: TO INFINITY… AND BEYOND! (gets chucked off cliff)

Kureno: BUCAW-BUCAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaawwwww….(fades into silence)

Hayley: …

Dragon01: Where is it that Buddy Barn Guy's go? AND  
How old are you? ALSO  
When did Shigure start watching Blue's Clue's?

Hayley: I don't KNOW! If I did… I wouldn't write wherever Buddy Barn Guy's go. I would write… ' He went to (insert where they go here.) I am the age of a song that is sung in the Sound of Music. Shigure watched Blue's Clues… with Momiji. Or Haru. Or Akito. WHO KNOWS?

Perpetual Hysteria: Since almost all of your questions were answered… we will just tell you our favorite bands…

Hayley: Japan- Bump of Chicken, Gackt, Do As Infinity America- Counting Crows, Goo Goo Dolls, The Beatles

Bigfoot: BIGFOOT LIKE UNCLE CRACKER. BIGFOOT SWIM THROUGH YOUR VEINS LIKE FISHIES IN SEA.

Carl: How about… RETARDED QUESTION?

Genny: I'm afraid I can't even speak of those three people you asked about. It's too… painful.

Maine Coon Cat: #1: (To Hayley) WHAT'S GONNA" HAPPEN NEXT? AGH!

#2: (To Big-Foot) What's it like living with Kazuma? Do you know karate?

#3: (To Carl) ...Why can't you love

Hayley: ARGH! STAY TUNED! ARGH! ARGH!

Bigfoot: IS VERY FUN. BIGFOOT HAVE WHITE BELT. BIGFOOT SIT ON SHISHOU AND WIN.

Hayley: OO …is he alright then?

Carl: …why can't you shut up?

WELL! That about wraps it up! Good job everyone! Good job me! If this chapter seemed less random than usual it's because it's setting up a lot of random things to happen in the future. Wait… doesn't that make them not random?

Carl: Yes. (dumbass)

(growls) Quiet… you…

ANYWAY, don't forget to go on the Bleach Binge, put too much salt on your fish, then watch BBC! And send your crazy questions to the Review Crew! They can be about anything. Except what we talked about earlier. And Janine… oh, Janine… If only you would ask again, I would put that crazy girl in this story.

Ja!


	3. Kyo and the Terrible Horrible No Good Da

Chapter 3

Kyo and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad DAY

Part 2

" Alright… now that I've got everyone's homework… except for the TROUBLEMAKER back there…" Mayuko said, stacking up the homework papers and looking straight at Kyo, " It's time for a class assignment."

" YAAAAY!" Everyone cheered. Just kidding. " ARGH!" Everyone yelled.

" Get out a sheet of paper, put your heading on, and then copy these problems from the board." Mayuko said, waving a magic wand and making words appear on the board!

" I don't have any paper! Or a pencil!" Kyo called, waving one hand in the air, then blushed when everyone stared at him.

" Well then GET some." Mayuko replied.

" Okay…" Said Kyo, and looked around. But no one offered him any paper. Tohru would have but she was out! And now she was beating herself up over this fact! WHY COULDN'T SHE HAVE BEEN A MORE STEADY, PAPER-GIVING PERSON? NOOOO!

In the end, Kyo asked everyone but Yuki and Nerdy Neo. Gritting his teeth, Kyo turned to Nerdy Neo and cleared his throat.

" Uh… uh…" _ARGH!_ Thought Kyo. _I can't call him Nerdy Neo, because that's just… rude! But I don't know his real name, so I can't call him that! ARGH! What will I DO!_

" Uh… Neo. Can I borrow some paper?" Kyo said uneasily, and the whole class went quiet. You know, the kinda quiet that screams, ' OH MY GOD! SOMEONES TALKING TO NERDY NEO!'

Nerdy Neo turned his head to stare at Kyo's general direction from behind his mysterious sunglasses.

" Oh, my gosh! Kyo-kun's ASHKING NEO FOR A PAPER SHEET!" Said some random fool just like that fish in Finding Nemo with the buck teeth.

" Is he… STUPID?" Asked one high-schooler in an astounded voice. " You don't TALK to Nerdy Neo. He might TALK back." Everyone nodded in general agreement.

" Come on, Kyon. I'll just give you MY sheet of paper." Uo sighed as if Kyo had asked Nerdy Neo as a plot to just get one of her protected sheets of paper. Kyo glowered at her but got up to take it anyway because he didn't like everyone making a big deal about his paper needs.

Nerdy Neo looked down at the piece of paper he had JUST been about to hand over to Kyo then submissively stuck it back in his folder.

" Okay. Get going. We don't have that much time." Mayuko said. Actually, they had plenty of time. She just figured they should rush along ANYWAY. Teachers are CRRRRRAZY!

Kyo stared down at his sheet of paper, and then realized he didn't have a pencil. But you can't make a big fuss about needing paper and THEN ask AGAIN for a pencil. That's just… NO. So Kyo just sat there and stared at his paper. He would have LIKED to solve the problems on the board but… he couldn't. So he wound up with another zero for the day.

" Um… Sohma? Are you prepared at all today or did you just come to school to watch everyone else?" Mayuko asked Kyo sarcastically with an arched eyebrow.

Kyo wasn't sure what the right way, or the safe way was to reply to this, so he just hung his head and said, " No."

Everyone started whispering about how rebellious Kyo was! Look at that rebellious UNTIED TIE! And that rebellious orange head the color of an ORANGE! Not to mention those bright orange converse sneakers! What's up with THAT?

" Well, you'll be glad to know the next assignment is reading in the textbook. So unless you forgot how to READ too…" Mayuko paused to receive all the snickering she had earned with that crazy comment, " You should be able to participate."

Well, don't worry guys. Kyo didn't forget how to read. He DID, however, forget his textbook.

" But… but we're in the TENTH grade! We don't have elventh grade textbooks!" Momiji cried as if he would start hypervenilating any second now.

" That's okay." Said Mayuko. " I have these extra textbooks." And then she tossed the random textbooks at those foolish tenth graders who caught them perfectly and then opened them up like they were born to open them up.

" I need a textbook too." Said Kyo.

" And?" Mayuko replied as if she were supposed to DO something about him needing a textbook.

" So let me have one!" Kyo complained.

" I don't have anymore."

" Get one from a tenth grader! I need this for a grade!" Kyo protested.

" Sohma, are you asking me to take a textbook from an innocent tenth grader just because you need a textbook, which you should already have anyway, and then leave that tenth grader bookless just because you can't get your priorities straight?" Mayuko asked Kyo with her hands on her hips.

" YOU'RE MAKING ME SOUND BAD!" Kyo yelled.

" You DO sound bad, Kyon! You sound like… I don't know. But it's bad." Said one of Kyo's random undeserving of a name friends.

" Like Link." Said Uo.

" Yeah." Said everyone.

" SHUT UP!" Kyo yelled and everyone just stared at him.

" You can have my book, Kyo. I don't want to detract from your learning experience." Said Momiji, but of course, Kyo refused because Momiji has already given up SO much in his life! How could he take his textbook? So instead Kyo just sat there and got another zero. And you know what? There was NOTHING he could do about it.

And so Kyo and Rin got zeroes. Why did Rin get a zero? Because she isn't a tenth grader so she ALSO didn't get a book. What grade is she in anyway? Is she in school at all? ARGH!

So Kyo sat and he sat, and he began to feel veeeery sleepy. And everyone was taking a LONG time to read about the habitats of Manta Rays. Why were they reading about Manta Rays? Well, I don't know what Mayuko teaches. So let's just assume she teaches about marine wildlife.

Finally, the nyquil kicked into Kyo's brain so hard that he just sort of put his head on the desk and curled his shoulders under it, and went off to a STRAAAAANGE dreamland.

SCIENCE FICTION!

Kyo looked around, feeling very strange. He was only wearing his boxers and was standing in the middle of a CRAZY loking mansion. He would have realized this was happening just because he was dreaming, but you don't REALIZE things like that in a dream, now do you?

" Where the hell am I?" Kyo shouted as if he expected someone to tell him things like that. Then out of nowhere, a funky beat started playing, and Yuki jumped out from behind a bookshelf with a humpback and a crazy tuxedo and weird hair.

" It's astounding… time is fleeting… MADNESS… takes it's toll…" Yuki sang in a creepy voice as the music continued to play.

" What the holy-" Kyo started to say.

" But listen closely…" Yuki said, holding one hand up to his ear.

" Not for very much longer." Rin added reassuringly appearing from another bookshelf.

" I've got to keep control…!" Yuki said, and then started doing the shimmy dance right in front of Kyo and singing at the top of his lungs.

" AH REMEMBER… DOIN' THE TIIIIIIME WARRRRRRRGHP! DRINKING! THOSE MOMENTS WHEN!"

" THE BLACKNESS WOULD HIT ME! AND THEN THE VOID WOULD BE CALLING!" Yuki and Rin sang in unison, and then Kyo's whole class came out and sang, " LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"

Then the screen cut to Hatori standing there in a suit with glasses. " It's just a jump to the left." Said Hatori.

" And then a step to the RIIIIIIGHIGHIGHT!" Sang Kyo's class.

" With your hands on your hips." Said Hatori, putting his hands on his hips.

" YOU BRING YOUR KNEES IN TIIIIIGHT!" Sang Kyo's class. " BUT IT'S THE PELVIC THRUST…"

" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kyo screamed at the top of his lungs and fell out of his desk where everyone was staring at him, including Nerdy Neo, who just looked sort of bored.

" Kyo… did you have a bad dream?" Haru asked in a sincere voice.

" Do you want to talk about it?" Tohru said urgently.

" Do you need your bah-bah?" Uo said seriously.

" SHUT UP!" Said Kyo. He was never going to tell ANYBODY about that crazy dream. Anytime, anywhere. NOBODY.

" My class is not someplace you can just come without anything and then SLEEP in it. If it was, then we'd have a lot more hobos in here." Mayuko said crossly. " Is that what you want to be, Sohma? A hobo?"

" No." Said Kyo sullenly.

" Then I suggest you make yourself useful by organizing those textbooks back there until lunchtime." Kyo looked back at the rows of heavy textbooks and then sighed. Then he got up and made his way back VERY dizzily, because he was so dosed on Nyquil. Then he tried to stack the textbooks in an orderly fashion, sedated the whole time.

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

" Okay, time for lunch. Leave your books open so I can see if you got to the page and give you your grade." Mayuko said as everone flipped their book to the page they were supposed to stop at. Then everyone went stampeding off to the cafeteria. Tohru and company were luckily kind enough to go back and get Kyo.

" Think you can make it to the cafeteria, Kyon?" Uo asked Kyo, who looked like he would accidently walk into a wall any second.

" Uh." Said Kyo.

" Manta Rays are SOOOOOO cool!" Momiji exclaimed as they walked along.

" They really are." Said Haru. " Did you know some manta rays can change color?"

" NO. WAY." Said Momiji. " I thought only CHAMELEONS could do that!"

" Well, you thought wrong." Haru said with an amazed shake of the head.

" Whoa… Kyo's not even yelling at them to stop being so stupid…" Uo observed. " What's the matter with you?"

" He's sick." Said Yuki and then Tohru burst into tears randomly.

" I… I should have done… BETTER!" Tohru cried. " Now Kyo-kun is suffering and it's all my fault! If only I was a more accepting person."

" Hey, don't cry." Kyo said, breaking out of his daze.

" But… but…"

" Hey, Kyo, would YOU eat a manta ray since you like fish so much?" Momiji asked just as Kyo and Tohru were about to have a special moment.

" Wha… No…?" Kyo said slowly, confused by the question.

" Well, you better not." Said Momiji sternly.

" Manta rays are slightly poisonous." Said Haru.

" So we better not ever catch you eating one!" Momiji added as if he expected Kyo to go on a suicidal manta ray eating spree.

" WHY ARE YOU GUYS SO…so…I can't do it." Kyo said, already out of breath.

_I wish someone would talk to me so I wouldn't feel so insignificant to this fanfic. _Yuki thought randomly, and turned to see Hanajima giving him a creepy look. And then he turned to see Rin glaring randomly at him. Then he hung his head and sighed.

" Now you just right here, Kyo-kun, and we'll get you a lunch." Tohru told Kyo when they got to the lunchroom. Then they all went off to get lunch. Kyo sat there in his nyquil daze and everyone thought he was a stoner, which only adds to Kyo's long list of CRAZY things to accuse him of being. CAT! REDNECK! STONER!

Then everyone came back with lunch! JOY! They all sat at their little round lunch table together. Here's how they sat.

Kyo

TohruMomijiRin

UoHaru

HanaYuki (he pulled up a chair)

Yaaaaay!

" Here, Kyo-kun. I didn't know if you wanted an apple pie bar or potato chips, so I got potato chips, and gave you the apple pie, but if you'd rather have potato chips, just tell me, and we'll trade!" Tohru said in a worried voice.

" That's okay. I like apple pie." Kyo said slowly like some retard kid from the special ed department.

" Really!" Tohru asked and you could tell that Kyo had just MADE HER DAY!

" Wow… normally… we eat lunch at a DIFFERENT time than this!" Momiji said. " Being a temporary eleventh grader is so cool!"

" My lunch tastes better than ever." Said Haru, chewing very slowly on his disgusting pizza slice that only wishes it were a real pizza slice.

" Tastes like the same old crap to me. When is the school committee gonna do something about this? HUH?" Uo asked Yuki as if had personally decided how the food was going to taste.

" We don't really do anything with cafeteria food…" Said Yuki uneasily. And if they DID, I'm sure the school would have CHEESE everyday!

" You should! And we can have an ice cream day! And a cookie day! And a FIG NEWTON DAY!" Momiji exclaimed, shaking his juicebox in the air like a foolish child.

" Hmm…" Said Yuki vaguely, looking around for an excuse to escape.

The conversation then switched to the game printed on the back of Haru's pineapple apple juice box.

" Dexter and the animals are going to have a race. Who comes in what place? The three contestants are... 1. Dexter. 2. Cheetah. 3. Snail." Haru read aloud in a monotone voice.

" Uh… Dexter! Dexter's first!" Momiji said.

" You IDIOT." Said Kyo, recovering a little after having eaten half of his apple pie bar. " The CHEETAH is first." And he KNOWS. He's in the CAT family after all.

" That's not neccesarily true! You don't know HOW fast Dexter is!" Momiji protested. " What if he's the fastest guy on the planet!"

" Look! He's a dorky little guy with glasses! He's not faster than a cheetah." Kyo argued, jamming an accusing finger at the picture of Dexter on the back of the juice box.

" So suddenly people with glasses can't outrun a cheetah?" Haru said as if he were some defender of people that wear glasses.

" NOBODY can outrun a cheetah." Said Kyo.

" Well, someone just DID." Uo said, wanting to join in the fun, and whipped out a pen and drew a line from ' Dexter' to ' First Place' on the juice carton. Then she drew a line for ' Snail' to ' Second Place' and then the ' Cheetah' to ' Third Place.'

" A SNAIL WOULD NEVER BEAT A CHEETAH!" Kyo gasped.

" The cheetah had a broken leg. And the snail was on steroids." Uo said.

" THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! STUPID!" Kyo yelled, then stopped because his stomach was starting to hurt a little bit more.

Just as they were about to continue discussing the backs of juice boxes… a very tall, thick guy with a fluffy purple afro came waltzing up to the table with his hands on his hips and looking very menacing. He was flanked by a three flunkies with red, white and blue afros respectively.

" Sohma Kyo." Said the leader Afro Guy. " We got a bone to pick with you."

" Ugh… do I know you?" Kyo mumbled, wondering if the nyquil was making him see fake people with afros.

" Do you KNOW us? DO YOU KNOW US!" All of them gasped as if Kyo had just asked the stupidest question in the whole world.

" I can't BELIEVE you just asked that question." Said the guy with the red afro. " Everyone knows who we are. Somebody tell that fool orange boy."

All of our heroes just stared at them with confused looks.

" GASP! We have to tell ALL of you!" The Afros screamed.

" You could just leave and not tell us." Said Yuki.

" We are… BULLIES WITH ODDLY COLORED AFROS!" Said the leader as the words formed in the background from nowhere. " Otherwise known as… BOCFRO!"

Oi, oi, oi… yeah, yeah… Let's sing about these crazy bullies!

BOCFRO…!

They're gonna tease you!

BOOOOCFRO!

Whacha' gonna do?

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCFRO!

Their hair is cooler than you!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOC-

(wheeze) (gasp) (deep breath)

…

" And we are here to BULLY you, Kyo… SOHMA!" The leader of Bocfro, who we'll call Daddy Bocfro from now on declared, pointing one finger at Kyo dramatically.

" What did I do!" Kyo whined, holding his stomach with one hand.

" Oh please! Don't bully him! PLEASE!" Tohru cried as if Bocfro were holding a knife at Kyo or something. But you know what? WORDS can hurt more than STICKS and STONES. So maybe I shouldn't mock her concern, just this once.

" Sorry, little lady, but we don't get to be BOCFRO just by calling ourselves that." Daddy Bocfro chuckled like Kureno.

" Yes you do." Said Yuki.

" So, SOHMA KYO! We heard you… SIGNED Security Fred's cast!" Said Red Bocfro.

" Yeah…" Said Kyo uneasily.

" ' Get Well Soon. From Kyo Sohma.' OTHERWISE KNOWN AS SOHMA KYO!" Said Blue Bocfro.

" I already admitted that I signed it!" Kyo exclaimed.

" What are you? In LOVE with Security Fred?" White Bocfro jeered.

" NO!" Kyo gasped. " SHUT UP!"

" He's in love with that pimp and the eskimo." Uo remarked sagely, taking a sip from her juice box.

" NO I'M NOT!" Kyo yelled.

" If you're in love with Fred, you could at least be FAITHFUL to him! FRED-LOVER-CHEATER!" Daddy Bocfro shouted. " Now be quiet while we continue to belittle your self-esteem!"

" I DO NOT LOVE SECURITY FRED! AND I DON'T LOVE KURENO! AND I SURE AS HELL DON'T LOVE AKITO!" Kyo yelled at the top of his lungs, then clutched his stomach and moaned.

" Who do you love?" Daddy Bocfro asked.

" WHY DO YOU CARE!" Kyo snapped.

" Oh… no reason." Said Daddy Bocfro but suddenly wistful music started to play and sakura blossoms started to rain all around him. And suddenly Daddy Bocfro's voice came from offscreen in a faded, not really speaking way.

Ano hi…hajimete no koi wa… 

Kyo just stared at Daddy Bocfro in shock.

" I thought you wanted to bully him. Not pine for him." Yuki pointed out.

" That's not the POINT, SOHMA YUKI, with your overly femine presence and strangely uneven hair!" Daddy Bocfro cried. " In love, there are no rules! I never knew that my victim would become the object of my desire!"

" Oh, Daddy Bocfro! Poor Daddy Bocfro!" The whole world cried.

" Now I'm afraid I've said too much!" Daddy Bocfro gasped, and started running in slow motion while crying sparkly tears and his afro slowly swishing back and forth. Then he and the rest of Bocfro exploded.

Everyone looked at Kyo but before they could talk to him about the fact that a bully with an oddly colored afro was in love with him, Kyo threw up all over the table.

" AHHHHHH!" Screamed everyone and jumped back from the table as if Kyo had vomited acid, except for Haru who reacts at least twenty seconds later to most things. Like SLOWPOKE!

" Why did you DO that!" Uo yelled angrily.

" I didn't WANT to!" Kyo almost cried, looking very sad and sick and disgusted with himself.

" It's MY FAULT! I SHOULDN'T HAVE FORCED YOU TO EAT THE APPLE PIE!" Tohru sobbed, falling to her knees. " Now I can never forgive myself!"

" Kyo, look what you've done!" Momiji scolded while Kyo just sat there sickly.

"…gross." Haru said like Napoleon Dynamite, just now noticing the vomit.

" SOMEONE THREW UP! ARGH! ARGH! WREAK HAVOC! EMBARRASS HIM FURTHER!" Everyone in the cafeteria screamed, and ran outside just because the sight of vomit was THAT offending to them.

" Good heavens!" Said Janitor Tim. " What are you doin' throwin' up at school, boy! Well, now I gotta clean it up. Thanks a LOT."

Kyo just sort of tried to apologize, but looked like he was afraid to talk in fear of throwing up again.

" I'm gonna go get my trusty mop and bucket. You kids should get old what's his name up to the old what's it called and then he can do whatever it's called and that just about wraps it up." Said Janitor Tim.

Everyone just stared at Janitor Tim because they had no idea what he had been trying to tell him.

" We should take Kyo to the nurse." Yuki sighed, because he HATES having to be the one to say they should help Kyo! Because he and Kyo HATE each other! But they secretly admire each other! But they don't know that! Maybe someday they'll find out! I don't know! ARGH!

And so they all moved out except for Haru who didn't notice they were moving. Then Janitor Tim came back with his mop and bucket.

" What are you doing here, sonny Taylor?" Janitor Tim demanded.

" Oh." Said Haru.

HOOONK!

" Are you sure you'll be alright, Kyo-kun?" Tohru asked Kyo who was lying on the uncomfortable school nurse mat, while the grumpy school nurse went through records to find Kyo's name just to make SURE he went to the school and wasn't some random bum trying to use the school nurse.

" I'm FINE. I already told you." Kyo said uneasily, but he wasn't really fine.

" But what if you…" Momiji stopped, realizing that Uo and Hana were there, and he couldn't ask Kyo what he would do if he TRANSFORMED, because Uo and Hana don't know the SECRET. And it's the secret that must never be told to anyone or horrible things will happen, but Tohru Honda found out and only GOOD things have happened so I don't know about that.

" What if you break into a rash?" Momiji asked in a wink, wink, nudge, nude sort of way.

" GROSS! You break into a rash, Kyon?" Uo demanded in an offended voice.

" I DO NOT!" Kyo yelled, not getting Momiji's POINT. Momiji sighed. OH WELL. Maybe next time, Momiji.

" What are you going to do, Kyo-kun?" Tohru asked. " Are you going to call Shigure-san to take you home?"

" He's gone. So I guess I'll have to call… the main house." Said Kyo, and everyone's expressions suddenly became shocked and disturbed except for Uo and Hana who… don't know about the main house. So they can't be shocked and disturbed.

" Lucky you, Kyon. Getting to skip school." Uo said.

" Yeah. AND GETTING FONDLED THEN BEATEN BY A FREAK IN AN ESKIMO SUIT!" That's what Kyo would have said if he had no self-restraint. " I guess." He said instead.

" Well… see you back in class." Said Uo and Hana as they convienetly faded off so the MAIN characters could talk about more IMPORTANT things.

" Are you sure you want to go back to the Main House all by yourself, Kyo? Because then you'd be alone with Akito…and Kureno… and Hatori… and a bunch of old ladies. But mostly Akito." Said Momiji.

" I'll be fine! JUST GO!" Kyo yelled at them as if he were hanging from a fiery pit of doom and he just didn't WANT them to risk grabbing his hand.

" You don't want us to wait with you?" Tohru asked sadly.

" Uh…" Said Kyo. OH NO! He couldn't say ' Yes, I do want you to wait with me' because that would suggest he wanted Yuki and Momiji's company as well. But he couldn't just say, ' ARGH! GET OUT!' because then it would look like he didn't want Tohru's company, which I'm sure he does. IF ONLY TOHRU COULD UNDERSTAND THERE IS A RULE WHEN IT COMES TO KYO ANSWERING QUESTIONS CONCERNING HER PRESENCE!

" Uh…" Said Kyo again, and luckily was saved by Nurse Lady Betty, who stomped into the room and shouted, " NO VISITORS!" So Yuki, Tohru, and Momiji had no excuse but to leave Kyo sitting there.

Kyo looked out the hall window and sighed. Yes, he was sitting on a bunk next to a hall window. No, they don't usually do that, because then students can tap the glass while poor sickly students are trying to sleep. Kyo's just… the CAT, so he get's a funky room like that.

" Well, you can either call your parents or lie here all day. What will it be?" Nurse Lady Betty asked.

" I will… call my parents." Kyo said slowly, although he wouldn't REALLY be calling his parents. Because his mom is dead and his dad hates him! DA-HUCK! (sob)

Really… he'd be calling GOD!

So Nurse Lady Betty let Kyo over to the phone. Kyo took a deep breath and then dialed the super secret Main House phone number that I can never tell you because it is just as much a part of the curse as the actual evil spirit thing. And if you EVER find out this number Hatori will come and erase your memories, and while this may seem like a GOOD thing, because who doesn't want to see Hatori, it will really be a BAD thing because he will erase your memory of HIS existence as well. Mwhahaha…MWHAHAHAAHA!

Kyo listened to the phone ring a few times, before he got this answering machine.

" Hello. This is… GOD. I can't come to the phone right now but that doesn't mean I am… WATCHING. WATCHING YOUR EVERY MOVE. YOU CANNOT DO ANYTHING WITHOUT MY KNOWING OF IT. IF YOU THINK YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS RECORDING AND JUST LEAVE A BLANK MESSAGE, YOU ARE MISTAKEN! I WILL FIND YOU, AND BEAT YOU DOWN UNTIL YOU ARE NOTHING MORE THAN A COWERING WRETCH! AND YOU'LL NEVER BE HAPPY AGAIN! EVER! EVER! OMAE NO SAE DA! BWAHAHAAHAHA…beep."

"… I have a fever." Kyo said quickly then slammed the phone down. _That was stupid. _He thought. _I didn't even tell Akito where I was. And I don't think he'll be able to figure it out, even if he DID drop me off at school._

" Alright. Well, go get your things and wait for your family to come pick you up." Said Nurse Betty, acting like she hadn't even witnessed what happened.

" I don't have anything." Kyo said.

" Don't think you can get out of doing homework with the old, ' the nurse didn't let me get my backpack' trick!" Nurse Betty warned.

" But I DON'T have my backpack!" Kyo protested and went into another coughing fit.

" Ah. Coughing. A classic sign of lying." Said Nurse Betty sagely.

" I'm SICK!" Kyo exclaimed.

" SURE, you're sick. I'm a nurse and I can tell about these sort of things." Said Nurse Betty. " Now go get your backpack, Mr. Hooky."

ARGH! Kyo yelled mentally as he stomped out of the nurse's office. If there's one name you DON'T want call Kyo under false qualifications, it's Mr. Hooky.

So then, Mr. Hooky just sort of wandered the halls aimlessly since he didn't HAVE a backpack to pick up and take back to the Nurse's office. He thought about going back and asking one of his classmates if he could just BORROW their backpack, but that's a little… silly. And they probably would have said no anyway.

Figuring that Akito was bound to arrive ominously at the MAIN office because he's from the MAIN house, Kyo slunk into the office and sat there neglectfully. None of the office ladies noticed him because he's the CAT! No, they just avoided eye contact like they always do! THINK YOU CAN AVOID MY EYE CONTACT, OFFICE LADY! I'LL SHOW YOU SOMEDAY!

(shakes fist) SOMEDAY…!

_This SUCKS! This is the worst day ever and I'll never have a worse one!_ Kyo thought.

" Don't forget, Sunday Morning at Pappy Go Happy Old Folks service!" Said School Security Fred, dropping into the main office randomly.

Then a funny tuba played two flat notes out of nowhere as the camera focused in on Kyo's depressed face. HARDY-HAR-HAR!

Suddenly, Akito's theme began to play. You know, the one with the creepy piano and the Pyscho kind of DUN-DUN-DUN. Kyo went rigid in his seat and watched the doorknob slowly twist open. He then waited for Akito to step inside in his evil little eskimo suit.

But guess what? IT WASN'T AKITO! YES!

" SHISHOU!" Kyo gasped.

" Hello……………………..KYO." Kazuma said after an incredibly long period of time that kind of ruined the suspense and craziness of it all. YEAH! KAZUMA! KAZUMA IS DA MAN! LET'S SING ABOUT KAZUMA! FREESTYLE!

Oi, oi, oi, yeah, yeah, this is the REMIX, ya'll.

(booka booka bak)

Ka-ka-kaZUMA IS A SENSEI,

THE SOHMA ARE WHO HE TRAINS! (WHAT!)

HE TRAINS THEM VERY NICELY,

HE TRAINS THEM ON THE PLAINS! (FREAK, FREAK IT OUT!)

HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS, (YO, YO!)

WHAT IT'S LIKE, TO BE KYO, (KYO, KYO!)

WHY IS THAT? (WHY IS THAAAAAAAAAAAT!)

CUZ HIS GRANDFATHER WAS THE CAT! ( RECOGNIZE!)

CUZ HIS GRANDFATHER WAS THE CAT! ( RECOGNIZE!)

… Yeah. RECOGNIZE! (shakes hands threateningly)

" Shishou!" Kyo said happily after the musical cue. Then he ran into Kazuma's arms and hugged him because… because it makes me happy. " Why are you here!"

" Whenever you're in need……………….KYO, I'll be here." Said Kazuma in that special Kazuma way.

" WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! SHISHOU, I HAD THE WORST DAY EVER! I'm sick, and I fell in the snow, and some guy started kicking me, and there were these afro bullies!" Kyo sobbed into Kazuma's crazy robes.

" There, there…………………KYO. You can tell me all about it once I sign these student release forms." Kazuma said in a comforting manner and patted Kyo on the back while he continued to bawl like a kitty baby. Then he IMMEDIATELY caught those crazy office lady's eyes, because he's KAZUMA! HE'S SHISHOU! HE'S THE SHIZZNITZ! You can't NOT be caught by his eyes!

" But… do you have permission from Akito to come pick me up?" Kyo sniffed as Kazuma filled out the pink slip.

" I don't need permission. I would do anything for you………………………KYO." Kazuma ended thoughtfully and then finished writing out the form. He took it then turned away from the office ladies.

"…Shishou…" Kyo said quietly, and then randomly tried to punch Kazuma in the face. Then Kazuma blocked and hit Kyo in the stomach with his elbow hard.

" You're still my troublesome son………………..KYO." Kazuma chuckled like Kureno.

Then Kyo threw up all over Kazuma.

HOOONK!

And so then Kyo went home with Kazuma and Kazuma made him some soup that was inedible, so they ordered chinese food, and then they watched Rocky and Kyo felt AAAAALL better! YAAAAAAAY!

As for Akito… he never did get that message. Why? I don't know. And how did Kazuma know Kyo was sick? I don't know. And what's the color of Nerdy Neo's eyes? I don't know. I assume it's all Rin's fault. STUPID HORSE!

OMAKE!

Wow… this update took so long, not even I can make it funny.

So I'll just say… this time, HAYLEY went missing! And Bigfoot and Carl had to go on a long and perilous journey to find her. Unfortunately, the fanfic could not be updated during this time because Carl has no hands and Bigfoot… well, maybe, someday Bigfoot will write a chapter, but not today.

Also, just to let you know, I'll be changing the layout of this fanfic. Instead of one ONGOING story, it'll be a collection of random short stories. WHY? Because… it's just easier that way. OH WELL! If you have any ideas for a random story, say so in the review, and MAYBE, just MAYBE, I will use your idea. Or not! Either way, I win, so it has to be a good thing!

Oh yeah, and if any of you are out there, and you're still alive, and you still love me… POCKETTO NO COIN! SORE TO YOU WANNA BE MY FRIEND? WE ARE, WE ARE ON THE CRUUUUUUUUISE! WE ARE!

YEAH! Alright, now let's dig these questions out of NOWHERE! Come on, REVIEW CREW!

Dragon01: How many chapters of Furuba did you read?

Hayley: ALL of them! I'm up to date on the latest chapters in Japan because… I am an insufferable Furuphile. Although I faded out of my obsession for a little while…

Dragon01:Why must Carl be so mean to you? You are his master, SHOW HIM WHOSE BOSS! (sorry Carl)

Hayley: YEAH! YOU'RE RIGHT! COME HERE CARL! AND… AND… DO SOMETHING!

Carl: Like what?

Hayley: …SOMETHING! USE THOSE ANTLERS FOR SOMETHING USEFUL!

Carl: Like stabbing you in the eye?

Hayley: …no. Open a soda can with one!

Carl: Great idea. Genius.

Hayley: …this question is backfiring on me…

Dragon01: Why is REESES for Breakfast?

Hayley: BECAUSE IT'S THE PEANUT BUTTER CHOCLATEY TASTE THAT MEANS… REESES! FOR BREAKFAST!

Sakaki's Little Sis: If you had to choose between Shigure, Hatori, and Ayame, who would you pick?

Hayley: NOOOOO! Uh… okay… uh…NOT SHIGURE. Wait, as a lover or someone to poke with a stick? Because then my answer for both would have to be Hatori! MWHAHAHA! (pokes with a stick) You're sexy. (pokes with a stick) You're sexy.

DuctTapeKitten: Do Rin and Kyo even talk to each other?

Hayley: (educated answer) Yes, when they were children, apparently they were very jealous of each other.

Hayley: (REAL answer) NO!

MistyMixWolf: If Kyo-chan met Foot-chan, what would happen?

Hayley: LET'S FIND OUT!

(Mr. Roger's music starts playing)

Kyo: Huh…?

Bigfoot: HELLO KITTY-BITTY.

Kyo: Whatever. Go away.

Bigfoot: SO SAD.

(end Mr. Roger's music)

Uh… yeah. It's kinda like that. (shows Kyo and Bigfoot drinking Sierra Mist.)

Oh, and Koumouri Akki-san, I love Douglas Adams. He's gone now… (sniffs) I loved his scripts for Dr. Who. (When Tom Baker was on the show.) Anyway, I'm starting to sound a little TOO intelligent, but I will say that I do, write, my own original stuff, although it's a great deal more serious and… different than my humour. Actually, my humour is a way to get away from my serious writing.

HENCE THE TOTAL LACK OR CARE OF… ANYTHING!

So… EVERYBODY SHAKE IT BUDDY, DANCE, DANCE, DANCE! I hope to see you all soon and that you're not TOO mad at me. Because then… Oh, who am I kidding? I AM like Shigure. I do this for my own sardonic pleasure. BO-HA-HA!

Ja ne!


	4. Mabudachi and the Best Sox Game EVAR 11

Note: I hope I didn't confuse to many people with my 'layout' explanation. There will still be little ongoing 'stories' and it won't be like The Simpsons where things just… MAGICALLY go back to normal. I just mean that there won't be a goal or route to this story.

Chapter 4

The Mabudachi Trio and The Best Sox Game EVAR!11

Part 1

"…so what's the surprise?" Hatori asked since he, Ayame, and Shigure have been frozen in time since March Twenty-seventh.

" I… don't know! That stupid bat is distracting me! BACK!" Shigure shouted like a bull fighter at poor Fruit Bat turned Regent Cid clawing at the window. Then he rapped on the door really hard so that the fruit bat slid slowly down the pane.

" HEEEELP MEEEEE…." Said poor Fruit Bat turned Regent Cid like the fly. Shigure shook his head in digust and closed the blinds.

" I've forgotten what the surprise was! Do you remember Aya?" Shigure asked Ayame.

" What?" Said Ayame, blinking himself out of oblivious thought. Then he slapped his knee. " GURE-SAN! You know better than to ask if I remember anything for longer than five minutes!"

" HA-HA-HA!" Shigure and Ayame laughed hysterically while Hatori just stood there and shook his head in disgust.

" Listen, I've got a lot of work to do, and I'm not going to waste my time just standing here." Hatori threatened, even though he doesn't really have THAT much work to do. And he's got PLENTY of time to waste, Hatori you old… hermit, you.

" Hmm… maybe if we walk around your study, we'll see something that will JOG our memories!" Shigure said brightly and hit his fist against his palm.

" Great idea, Gure-san!" Ayame cheered.

" NO." Said Hatori. " GO HOME."

" But… but it's cold and wet out there!" Shigure and Ayame whined.

" Well, it's WARM and DRY in here." Hatori replied, then realized that… it was the stupidest comeback in the history of comebacks.

" We PROMISE we'll be quiet until we remember. It's just that we don't want to leave you here without telling you your surprise. Then we might forget to tell you AGAIN." Shigure said pathetically, and started making puppy-dog eyes. Because he's the… no, I'm not even going to make that joke.

"…OKAY…" Hatori sighed ever so sexily, and then watched them run like a couple of crazy teenagers down into Hatori's study. Yes, Hatori's study is downstairs. It's like a little basement that you stick him in and make him do work and give him his daily dose of… ANGST. Which is what he lives off of.

" Look at me! I'm Hatori! I'm a MANIAC, MANIAC, WHOA WHOA! AND I'M DANCIN' LIKE I'VE NEVER DANCED BEFORE!" Shigure was singing and dancing when Hatori caught up to him. He was wearing Hatori's lab coat and a stethoscope forehead thingy.

" Quit that." Hatori snapped and grabbed the stethoscope and lab coat off Shigure at the SAME time! WHOA! MAD SKILLZ!

" You ARE a maniac, Tori-san." Ayame chuckled like Kureno, relaxing in Hatori's special doctor chair that's comfortable and ROTATABLE! Not that it makes a difference with Hatori, since he's the last person in the world to spin around in circles.

" No I'm not. Get out of my chair." Said Hatori grumpily.

" But I'm tired." Ayame pouted. " And this is my favorite chair."

" I need to work. Get out of my chair." Hatori repeated patiently.

" Can't you work on the FLOOR?" Ayame sighed like the drama queen he is.

" Come on Aya! Let's find Haa-san's PORN!" Shigure cheered, leafing through Hatori's medical book cabinet.

" ALRIGHT!" Cheered Ayame, jumping out of the chair.

" I don't have PORN." Hatori stated a little TOO offensively, glaring at them from across the room. " Those are medical textbooks and references."

" I see naked people!" Shigure called, opening the book up to one of those really nongraphic pictures of the human body.

" Those are-"

" PEOPLE MAKING OUT!" Shigure and Ayame screamed, waving the CPR handbook around like a sacred torch. Since Hatori can never bear to see the humour in a situation he just sat down really angrily in his chair and twirled around a little too hard so that he spun around in circles.

" You two SHUT UP OR LEAVE. I'm going to work now." Hatori said in his calm but menacing voice, and straightened his coat. Then he started going over his little papers that he always has to go over.

" Okay!" Hatori and Ayame said like little kids, and then the room went very quiet. Hatori tried to concentrate on the paper he was working on but it was…TOO QUIET. _But if I turn around and look, and they're being quiet like I want them to, then they'll start being noisy again. But if they're DOING something, and I don't catch them, it could be even worse. _Then Hatori started to have a silent anxiety attack right then and there.

Poor man. Someday he's going to lose the other eye.

Hatori tried so hard to concentrate on his work that his pencil started to tremble in his hands and his brow started to sweat. _Should I look? No. Yes. No. Just send them away. Erase their memories and knock them out for awhile._

" Hatori." Shigure said super-seriously out of nowhere.

" WHAT!" Hatori yelled, and accidently threw his pencil hard against the wall. He turned to see Shigure just standing there innocently while Ayame was playing Shigure's gameboy.

" Where's the bathroom? I forgot." Said Shigure.

"…upstairs. Next to Haru's room." Hatori said in the most dignified way possible.

" Alrighty-then!" Said Shigure like Ace Ventura, then walked up the stairs. Hatori sat there and breathed in and out deeply, getting over his panic attack. Then he watched Ayame play the gameboy.

" What are you playing?" He asked, because secretly he really didn't want to do work.

" I DON'T KNOW! BUT I KEEP LOSING!" Ayame said in the most exasperated way imaginable and started to throw the gameboy down but luckily thought twice about it. " IT'S TERRIBLE!"

" It can't be that hard." Said Hatori, scooting over in his little chair.

" Oh, it's hard, Tori-san. It is so UNBELIEVABLY DIFFICULT that I don't see why they would make a game like it. It's bound to drive the teenagers to suicide."

" This is Super Mario Bros." Hatori said slowly, glancing down at the gameboy screen. He could SEE what it was because it was an SP and it had the little glowing screen! YOSH!

" I don't care who they are! THEY OFFEND ME!" Ayame declared.

" Let me see that." Hatori said, taking the gameboy. He then began racking up the points OLD SCHOOL style. Ayame watched, fascinated. " See, you have to hit them UNDER the bricks, then jump on top of them to kill them." Hatori explained.

_Tori-san possesses so many qualities that I will never have. He's the BESTEST EVER!_ Ayame thought as he watched Hatori kill those pesky koopas, bumblebees and fireballs.

_Alright, bonus round. _Hatori thought. Just so you know, Hatori is a nerd that is an EXPERT at Mario games. Especially… DOCTOR MARIO! BWHAHAHA!

" I'm back!" Shigure called as if his presence had really been missed that much. " And I remembered what the surprise was! HEY! PAY ATTENTION!" He yelled when Ayame and Hatori didn't look at him.

" Wait. I'm playing the game." Hatori said distractedly.

" Yeah." Said Ayame. " He's playing the game."

Shigure watched Ayame and Hatori stare at the screen like fools, and started to feel left out.

" Are you DONE yet?" Shigure whined. They didn't reply.

_Ignore ME, will you!_ Shigure thought, and used the oldest trick in the book. He snatched the gameboy away and pushed Hatori and his rolling chair off into a shelf.

" Shigure!" Hatori demanded, just barely able to stop himself from spiraling out of control by grabbing the edge of a table. " I was in the middle of something."

" It's MY gameboy." Shigure replied snottily.

" But I was PLAYING it."

" Yeah. That's real MATURE of a doctor." Shigure shot back.

Hatori could have come back with a better comeback, but decided not to. He didn't want Shigure to reach the dreaded never-ending 'your mama' stage of this kind of argument. Because it WOULD come. Ready or not… it would come.

" So, what's the surprise?" Hatori sighed, rising from his abused rolling chair.

" Well…" Shigure said proudly, patting Ayame on the head who was just sort of sitting there blankly now that he didn't have the video game to hold his attention, " Guess what? I got us tickets to the SOX GAME!"

".… huh?" Said Hatori.

" TORI-SAN!" Ayame gasped. " THE SOX! Please show more emotion than THAT!"

" I cant show emotion if I don't know what something is." Hatori admitted.

" RED. SOX." Shigure and Ayame said slowly so that Hatori's nerdy mind could grasp the statement.

"…as opposed to white…?" Hatori answered slowly. Shigure and Ayame slapped their foreheads and groaned.

_Wait. Am I being made FUN of?_ Hatori wondered. Then he started to go into defensive Hatori mode. " Listen, I'm really tired of you guys standing around and making fools of yourselves."

" Yeah, me too." Shigure admitted. " Okay, I'll just explain it to you Haa-san. The RED SOX… are a BASEBALL team… and I got us TICKETS… to go watch them play BASEBALL… huh? Huh?" He enthused, as if Hatori was still struggling to understand what he was talking about.

" Oh." Was all Hatori could say. Then he went back to his work. " I don't like Baseball."

" GASP!" Gasped Shigure and Ayame. " HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE BASEBALL!"

" Easily." Said Hatori. Because… COME ON! Who DOES like Baseball! It's STUPID! AWK!

" But it's the ALL AMERICAN SPORT!" Shigure cried.

" Believe it or not, Shigure, we live in JAPAN." Hatori said, and the Japanese National Anthem WOULD have begun to play… but I don't know what that is. (stops and looks at playlist) So The Pillows song Blue Drives Monster began to play.

" Well… Baseball is the most popular Japanese sport too." Shigure said.

" No it's not." Said Hatori but then he realized… it was true! For some reason or another, the Japanese had embraced that crazy game of Baseball! ARGH! IF ONLY THEY HAD EMBRACED GOLF! OR EQUINE SPORTS! ANYTHING BUT BASEBALL!

" COME WITH US…!" Shigure and Ayame whined.

" No. And the Red Sox live in America anyway. How are we supposed to get to America and see a Red Sox game?" Hatori asked, knowing he was really only humouring his stupid baseball-loving cousins for a little bit longer before he kicked them out.

" UM. Were you NOT there when we went to North Dakota on Rainbow Road?" Shigure said in a disgusted voice.

" No, he was. He drove!" Ayame chuckled like Kureno.

" WHAT have I said about that vacation?" Hatori said in a very dark voice.

" Don't mention it ever again or you'll go out and erase anyone's memories of it. Uh… so are you coming?" Shigure asked excitedly, trying to get Hatori's mind off that vacation that gives him even more angst issues than KANA does.

" No, I'm not." Hatori decided. _HA!_

" But… Haa-san!" Shigure whined.

" We need someone to drive us!" Ayame whined.

" Well go find a taxi." Hatori said lamely.

" We don't WANT a taxi! We want YOU!" Shigure and Ayame whined together. Then they continued to whine while Hatori's blood pressure rose higher and higher and higher. Finally he whirled around in his chair a little too hard again, so then he spun in three circles.

When he was done, he straightened his tie, and glared at Shigure and Ayame who were trying to keep a straight face.

" I am NOT going to a Red Sox game, and I am NOT driving you past Rainbow Road. And that's final." Uh-oh. You guys know what FINAL means. It means… FINALITY. Unless it's Final Fantasy. Then it just means… SEQUELS.

" Normally, Hatori, at this point I would resort to blackmailing you. But at this point I'm going to resort to blackmailing you." Said Shigure.

" …what?" Hatori said slowly.

" You _heard_ what he said." Ayame scolded like a ghetto woman.

" I wonder what Mayuko would say if she saw a certain…PICTURE of you." Shigure announced outloud, twiddling his thumbs.

" I don't know and I don't care." Hatori said, pretending that he wasn't actually VERY protective of what Mayuko thought of him. Because we all know Hatori is a fool for Kana's best friend because he's pimpin' that way.

" Really? Even that picture from last years Farmer's Market?" Shigure gasped.

" Wait." Snapped Hatori because Farmer's Market is the ONE place that he really lets himself loose each year. I couldn't show you Farmer's Market Hatori. He's even worse than Hatori with the big creepy Tohru smile. Or Hatori and his shorts that will never be seen again.

" You would really do that?" Hatori asked Shigure. " Nevermind. You're Shigure. You always do it."

" Twenty-seven years and proud!" Declared Shigure.

"…fine. I'll take you to the stupid Sox game." Hatori muttered in a voice that would give Eeyore a run for his... tail. Then he turned around and started working again, and cursed his wretched, wretched life and his stupid friends. WHY did you have to make friends with people like THAT Hatori?

" YAAAY!" Cheered Shigure and Ayame, and gave each other the thumbs up. " YOSH!"

" So what time are we going?" Hatori sighed.

" Oh, around seven-ish. I just figured we'd hang out here until it's time." Shigure said happily.

" NO."

HOOONK!

" You know what I noticed?" Shigure asked Ayame.

" Mmm?" Ayame answered distractedly while he brushed his hair.

" Maury is always helping BLACK people. And Oprah is always helping WHITE people. What's up with THAT?"

" I don't know Gure-san. I just don't know."

" Can you two at least be QUIET and watch the television?" Hatori sighed behind them, filling out… SURVEYS. Because that's what a man like Hatori has to do, twenty-four-seven.

" Televisions no fun if you can't talk about it!" Shigure whined.

" That's not true. Try being quiet. It'll be fun. I promise."

There was a silent pause and Hatori's poor ears nearly wept from happiness.

"…I'M NOT HAVING FUN…"

" Shigure! Go outside!" Hatori ordered, pointing at the door. Too bad Shigure wasn't a dog at the time, and Hatori's door didn't have a little doggy door because… for some reason, that would just make it even funnier in my head.

" Isn't it time you go pick up Haru and Momiji up anyway?" Shigure asked slyly, with an innocent grin.

Hatori looked down at his watch that does NOT have Mickey Mouse on it. GREAT SCOTTS! SHIGURE WAS RIGHT! Not only was he late for waking UP those fool children, he was about to be late picking them UP! GEEZ, HATORI! WHAT KIND OF A SEAHORSE ARE YOU!

" I've gotta go. You two wait here." Hatori told Shigure and Ayame and grabbed his coat then ran out of that house like a flash! Then he almost slipped because it was snowing but Hatori can't slip. He just SLIDES ya'll. SLIIIIDES.

_How did I get so off-schedule today? _Hatori mentally beat himself up. _It's this SNOW._ Snow amps up his angst factor so much that he loses track of himself. Sort of the effect EVERYTHING has on Yuki.

Luckily, Hatori is a pretty snazzy designated driver, so he put the pedal to the medal and kicked the car into… wait for it…WAAAAAIT for it… HIGH GEAR! Not. He drove like a careful pedestrian all the way to the school where not only were Haru and Momiji waiting for him… Yuki and Tohru were too! CRAZY! But not Kyo. You knew that. I hope.

" Hari! Where were you? YOU'RE LATE!" Momiji exclaimed when Hatori rolled down the window and looked like he was THIS close to crying.

" You are REALLY late." Haru added which is really very ironic considering Haru is the ox. WHO GOT TRICKED! Okay, so that has nothing to do with being late or being the ox. It's really very ironic because Haru is slow and gets lost WAAAY too much.

" Sorry." Hatori said in a cold voice but he was actually very sorry.

" Hatori-san! It's so nice to see you!" Tohru exclaimed as Momiji and Haru piled into the car. Haru sat in the front seat because he likes to play with the radio. Momiji sat in the back.

" Hello Honda-kun. Yuki. Why aren't you home yet?" Hatori inquired because it was getting late and he didn't want those fool children to be there at school after hours.

" We're waiting for our ride." Yuki replied. " We can't walk through the snow."

_Wait… if Shigure's at my house… _" Whose driving you?"

" KURENO-SAN!" Tohru said as if having Kureno drive her was the best thing to ever happen to her in her whole life, even better than having to come to know ALL ABOUT THE SOHMAS. His driving is just THAT GOOD.

" Kureno?" Hatori asked, raising one eybrow in a disturbed way.

" Yeah." Said Yuki with a _PLEASE SAVE US! _look.

"… Kureno's driving you." Hatori repeated.

" It's very fun!" Said Tohru. Not to mention… HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH!

" …get in. I'll drive you home." Hatori sighed, knowing this would make him even MORE late, but come on, he's not going to leave Tohru and his own little cousin waiting for KURENO to drive them home. Don't you know him better than that?

" Oh NO! That's FAR too much trouble!" Tohru cried.

" Okay." Said Yuki and immediately stepped in. Haru sighed in a depressed little way twenty minutes later because since he sat in the front he didn't get to sit next to Yuki.

" YAAAAY! SIT BY ME TOHRU! SIT BY ME!" Momiji exclaimed. This was going to be the best ride home EVER!

" Well… alright. But I feel like I'm betraying Kureno-san!" Tohru said reluctantly.

" It's okay." Said Hatori. So then Tohru got in next to Momiji and it was like… YAAAY! DA-HUXOR!

" Where's Kyo?" Hatori asked. Because when you see Tohru and Yuki, you USUALLY see Kyo. Unless it's some creepy Yuki flirting scene. Then he's painfully missing.

" He's sick and he went home. I think to the main house." Tohru said, and immediately went back to worrying about Kyo.

" What?" Hatori said outloud, confused because Kyo didn't come HOME to the main house. So where did he go? That makes NO sense in the land of Hatori! Oh well. He's the CAT!

" Rin was here too… but I guess she'll go home some other way…" Said Yuki. Some mysterious, sexy way… like a limousine or maybe she just turns into a horse and GALLOPS home.

And so Hatori drove them home! It was very fun… NOT! Everyone was tired after a cold and stressful day. Tohru was worrying about Kyo. Momiji was… okay, he was just fine. Yuki was worrying about EVERYTHING. Hatori was worrying about going to the Sox game. Haru was worrying about Rin, but he was listening to the Bare Necessities on the radio so he FORGOT!

" Look for the… BARE NECESSITIES, THE SIMPLE BARE NECESSITIES, FORGET ABOUT YOUR WORRIES AND YOUR STIFE! I MEAN THE BARE NECESSITIES, MOTHER NATURE'S RECIPES, THAT BRING THE BARE NECESSITIES TO LIFE!" Momiji, Haru and Tohru sang along while Hatori and Yuki wondered why there was a radio station that played such music.

" Wherever I wander…" Momiji sang.

" Wherever I roam!" Sang Tohru.

" I couldn't be fonder…" Haru sang in a monotone, very slow voice.

" I couldn't be fonder of my big home!" All three of them sang together. " The bees are buzzin' in a tree to make some honey just for me…!"

" When you look under the rocks and plants and take a glance at the fancy ants…" Momiji and Tohru sang slowly.

" And… maybe try a few…" Haru said thoughtfully.

" Okay, well, we're here, have a good day and call me if you need anything." Said Hatori quickly, stopping the car in front of Shigure's house. Don't worry. Yuki has a housekey, so he'll be fine. Why didn't he use it earlier? Uh… YUKI IS JUST SO SILLY SOMETIMES! HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW WHEN TO SAVE THE PLOTHOLES!

" BYE TOHRU! BYE YUKI!" Momiji yelled.

" They will come to you…" Haru continued to sing to himself quietly.

" Bye Momiji-kun, Hatsuharu-san! See you tomorrow! Thank you so much Hatori-san!"

" Bye…" Yuki said distractedly, thinking about cheese.

Then Hatori watched to make sure they got into the house like a GOOD parent and finally started on his way back to the Main House. When he got there Shigure and Ayame were still lounging around watching television but it didn't LOOK like they'd broken anything.

" Welcome home!" Shigure called when they all walked in.

" Kisa! Rin! Welcome home." Said Ayame.

" I'm Momiji!" Momiji said.

" Yes…" Ayame replied distractedly, not really listening.

" Rin? Where?" Haru muttered, looking around.

" Can I watch Shaolin Showdown?" Momiji asked Shigure and Ayame while Hatori closed the door and Haru continued to look around for Rin.

" I'm watching Oprah…" Shigure whined.

" But Shii-chan, I want to watch Shaolin SHOWDOWN!" Momiji began to cry.

" Fine…" Shigure said sadly and flipped the channel to the wonderous piece of amusing crap that is Shaolin Showdown which I am not even spelling right.

_I wonder if Kureno was actually going to pick them up… _Hatori thought to himself.

" Rin?" Haru called from the kitchen.

HOOONK!

" I cannot BELIEVE that the Lone Chicken's services were so blatantly ignored! When I find my flunky and those un-flunkies I'm going to give them a piece of my mind!" Kureno gasped as he drove around the school in circles in his pink convertible as six o' clock PM.

" SILENCE! The radio is playing my song." Akito hissed from his eskimo suit, and then continued to sing, which for Akito is a weird mix of rapping and shouting every fifth word.

"Now when you pick a pawpaw or a prickly pear… And you prick a raw paw, next time beware. Don't pick the prickly pear by the paw, when you pick a pear, try to use the claw. But you don't need to use the claw, when you pick a pear of the big pawpaw."

" Have I given you a clue?" Akito asked Kureno dangerously.

" Oh yes Baloo!" Kureno chuckled warmly as they continued to drive around in circles for no reason whatsoever. They both held their breaths and then bellowed out together,

" THE BARE NECESSITIES OF LIFE WILL COME TO YOU! THEY'LL COME TO YOU!"

" DRIVE, YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A COCK!"

" Yes, SIR!"

OMAKE!

See how quickly that came? It's because it's summer. And I divided the story in half. But the next half will come soon enough. Just be PAAAAATIENT…

I barely got any questions and this makes me scoff like Carson! PSHAW! But we, the Review Crew, will answer questions and questions disguised as reviews anyway…

Haley: What exactly does 'Omae No Sei Da' mean?

Hayley: OH MY GOD! WE HAVE THE SAME NAME! THAT'S THE COOLEST THING EVER TO HAPPEN ON 1:18 ON A TUESDAY NIGHT! But MINE is spelled the british way! Ahem!

Omae No Sei Da means, basically, ' It's your fault.' In a really accusative way. It's what Akito yells at Kana right after he smacks Hatori in the head with a vase in japanese! And it just sticks in my head because… he yells it several times and it makes me chuckle like Kureno after I saw the scene the FIRST ten times.

OMAE NO SEI DA! Try shouting it. It feels G-O-O-D WHY!

Random Reviewer-san: Do you Aya and Moroku ( I spelled that wrong probably but oh well) should get together in a future fic?

Hayley: …WHAT?

Bigfoot: WHAT?

Carl: What the-BLEEEEEEEEP?

Hayley: Bad Carl, bad! T! RATED T!

Haruko Sohma: WTF was Daddy Bocfro saying?

Hayley: ' Ano hi, hajimete no koi wa…' WOW! HAYLEY'S GIVING JAPANESE LESSONS TODAY! (it should be noted that I understand a great deal of when it's spoken, but I barely know how to speak it and I am in no way fluent. And when I see kanji I go… LOOK AT THE PRETTY SQUIGGLIES!)

It means, ' On that day… my first love was…' or ' …was my first love' depending on how you want to interpret it. But it doesn't really matter because Daddy Bocfro exploded! DA-HUCK!

…hum-badda-bum-hadda-ding. Next time will be the conclusion of the Sox game! YOU KNOW. The actual part with the SOX.

ALSO! Next time we will have a very special guest on OMAKE! We will have… Jet Black! And if you know who Jet Black is, you can ask him a question! HOO-RAH!

Ja ne!


	5. Mabudachi and the Best Sox Game EVAR 2

Chapter 5

The Mabudachi Trio and The Best Sox Game EVAR!11

Part 2

" Alright. We're going." Said Hatori, standing next to the door with Shigure and Ayame who were wearing outifts that said I HEART SOX. They tried to make Hatori wear one… but it didn't work. AWWW… And don't worry. That doesn't mean Ayame is wearing pants. (chuckles like Kureno) He had made a dress-thingy that had I HEART SOX sewn into it.

" I put the numbers to call if you need anything on the refrigerator." Hatori told Momiji. He didn't bother to tell Haru. Haru has a hard time FINDING the refrigerator much less reading a sticky note on it.

" What are we gonna EAT?" Momiji whined.

" You'll eat what we GIVE you! Now be quiet!" Shigure scolded randomly.

" I made you some tuna casserole." Hatori sighed, ignoring Shigure. He wished that he could just stay home and eat the tuna casserole himself.

" TUNA! EWWWWW!" Momiji shrieked as if tunafish had offended him at sometime in his life.

" …GROSS." Haru said like Napoleon Dynamite.

" What's wrong with Tuna?" Hatori asked. HATORI made it after all. And Hatori can cook like… PSHAW! When he cooks things you just have to eat them!

" I hate tuna! Can we order pizza?" Momiji pleaded.

"…no." Hatori decided. " I'm not going to waste money when you have a perfectly good casserole inside."

" WAAAAH! HARI, YOU'RE MEAN!" Momiji cried and ran into the other room. Don't worry. Later he'll forget and try the tuna casserole and like it. OH WELL!

" Yeah. You suck." Said Haru and walked off aimlessly to his room where he will eat off his supply of Slim Jims and Joojoo Beans.

" You sure do have a way with children." Shigure chuckled like Kureno.

" What is THAT supposed to mean?"

" WOULD YOU TWO QUIT WASTING TIME! I'm so excited about this SOX game that I can't even sleep!" Ayame yelled, and pointed at the door. " OPEN THIS DOOR FOR ME!"

" Why would you be sleeping in the evening, standing up, anyway?" Hatori asked as he dutifully opened the door.

" Listen, Tori-san. Just because Hiro is the horse, it doesn't mean HE'S the only one that can sleep standing up." Ayame chuckled like Kureni, shaking his head at Hatori.

"… RIN is the horse. And she doesn't sleep standing up." Hatori told Ayame slowly.

" HURRY! LET'S GO! LET'S GO!" Shigure cheered, pushing them both out of the house. Hatori carefully locked the door behind them and then they walked over to Hatori's crazy old car. What's that? You want to know what kind of car it is? It's an AMERICAN car! He shipped it from America because APPARENTLY Japanese cars just aren't good enough for him!

MAN!

" I CAN'T WAIT!" Shigure enthused as Hatori put the car keys into the ignition.

" I CAN'T WAIT MORE!" Ayame replied, and both of them looked expectantly at Hatori who just looked at the car as if wishing it wouldn't start. But unfortunately Hatori's American Car revved up, and the engine was running SMOOTHLY.

" We're going to have to stop and get gas." Hatori noted outloud, looking at the gas meter.

" WHAT!" Shigure and Ayame yelled.

" The tanks almost empty." Hatori told them, and started to wheel his way out of the drive.

" WHAT?" Shigure said again.

" Tori-san, you know, out of all the annoying things that can happen right before you force a friend to drive you to an event you've been looking forward to, the gas tank NOT being full is the most annoying of them all!" Ayame said huffily, and crossed his arms and looked out the window.

" Sorry." Said Hatori because he knows that IS true. He drove up to the conviently placed nearby Buddy Barn Gas Station and stopped the car. " Okay. I'm going to go pay for the gas. You two wait here."

" No." Said Shigure and Ayame.

" We're coming with you." Said Shigure.

" You might get MUGGED!" Ayame told Hatori when he raised an eyebrow.

" I have to use the restroom." Shigure said truthfully.

"…fine." Said Hatori since he doesn't REALLY care. He's just going to sit back and let this journey to the SOX game blow it's course… Yesiree. So they walked into the Buddy Barn Gas Station together. As soon as they did, Shigure made an announcement.

" PEANUTS! We must buy peanuts." He said as if it were the most important thing in the world. " And cracker jack."

" …what?" Said Hatori.

" Oh! BRILLIANT idea, Gure-san! Fetch!" Ayame cheered as Shigure lunged for the nearest peanut stand.

" Why do you need to buy food here? They'll be selling stuff at the game." Hatori groaned.

" TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME, TAKE ME OUT TO THE CROWD!" Shigure and Ayame started singing very loudly.

" Welcome to Buddy Barn Gas Station!" Said That Buddy Barn Guy, looking to appear in every Shoopuf Dude story I ever write in my life.

" BUY ME SOME PEANUTS AND… CRACKER JACK! I DON'T CARE IF I EVER GET BACK!" Shigure and Ayame continued to sing, while Hatori ignored That Buddy Barn Guy for a minute.

" Okay, okay, shut up. Give me your stupid food and let's just get out of here." Hatori grumbled and snatched two bags of Cracker Jack and two Planters Peanuts packets off the rack. Shigure and Ayame continued to sing the song just to annoy him.

" Here you go." Hatori told That Buddy Barn Guy, who was giving him a bug-eyed look.

" I know YOU." Said That Buddy Barn Guy.

" Hmm…" Said Hatori reflectively.

" YOU'RE Mr. Redundant." That Buddy Barn Guy accused.

" I really just want to buy the food and go." Hatori sighed.

" Fine. Just fine. But don't think I've forgotten how you treated me, Mr. Redundant." Said That Buddy Barn Guy and Hatori got the sudden urge to erase That Buddy Barn Guy's memory, but of course he didn't. And even if he did, it's not like it would WORK or anything. That Buddy Barn Guy has an impenetrable mind of STEEL!

" And I need gas on… oh." Hatori realized he hadn't even checked what pump he was on. FOOLIGAN! He apologized to That Buddy Barn Guy who gave him a disgusted look, and went outside to read the pump.

When he reached the pump, he noticed… A LETTER! How mysterious! And ignoring his better Hatori judgement, he unfolded it and read it. After all, it was just LAYING there on HIS car.

It said this.

Dearest Hatori Sohma,

I recommend the magenta robes.

MOST Sincerely

Then it was blank. Hatori frowned very deeply. ONE creepy stalker letter is ONE thing, since, being Hatori, he got them all the time. TWO… is also no big deal, so he just tossed the letter into the wind and walked back into the gas station to buy gas. Then he waited for Shigure and Ayame to quit making fools of themselves in front of the bathroom mirrors.

" Why couldn't you two just have come alone?" He sighed as they walked back out to the car.

" You know what they say, Tori-san!" Ayame said happily, although he had no idea what it was that they said.

" Two's company… THREE'S A MABUDACHI!" Shigure supplied and they all skipped into the car. Hatori put in the gas, hopped into the car, and they were good to go! Hurrah!

_But last time I was following Kureno to get to Rainbow Road, _Hatori realized as he began to drive. _So how the hell do I find my way to a Sox Game in the middle of America?_

" _HATORI…" _Came a mysterious voice. " _USE the Shoopuf…"_

" You get sadder and sadder everyday, don't you?" Hatori asked.

" Yes…" I admitted.

So Hatori decided to just drive around until something met him. It would come and come and he would meet it when he did! And THAT kind of wisdom doesn't come from Tohru. It comes from HAGRID!

" YOSH! A sticker of… Fred Flinstone!" Shigure said, giving Ayame the thumbs up once he pulled his Cracker Jack Prize out of the bag.

" Shigure, I thought you were supposed to eat that at the game." Said Hatori.

" I CAN'T FIND IT! I CAN'T FIND THE PRIZE!" Ayame yelled in panicked tones, shaking his Cracker Jack Bag and getting crumbs everywhere.

" Calm down." Said Hatori.

" But… MY PRIZE!" Ayame gasped in protest. " Why don't I get one! Why should my bag be any different than anyone elses! WHY SHOULD MY BAG NOT BE BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSES!" And with that, he ripped the bag in two and cracker jack went flying everywhere.

" AYAME!" Hatori yelled.

" We'll clean it up!" Shigure said happily, and began to eat some of the cracker jack while Hatori thought of how sticky and uncomfortable his carseats would be now.

" THERE IS NO PRIZE ANYWHERE!" Ayame bellowed, digging through all of the scattered cracker jack to no avail. " I DEMAND A PRIZE!"

" Here's a My Little Pony." Said Shigure, holding up a My Little Pony.

" That's Akito's." Hatori corrected.

" TURN AROUND! WE MUST TURN AROUND! TURN AROUND AND CLAIM A RIGHTFUL PRIZE!" Ayame demanded.

" No." Said Hatori.

" Surely, Tori-san, you don't suggest I just-"

" NO." Said Hatori in a super-scary voice and Ayame gave an angry huff, and kept making little irritable noises for the next twenty minutes while Shigure ate all the cracker jack. Then he tried sticking the Fred Flinstone sticker on Ayame's forehead to cheer him up but it didn't work.

All of a sudden… there was a BLINDING LIGHT! And they were all suddenly riding on Escaflowne's Dragon Guymelef form!

" HOLD ON GUYS!" Vaan screamed.

" Kyo-kun?" Shigure said curiously.

" What the hell?" Hatori said slowly, looking down at Gaia.

" Hmph." Said Ayame, still mad about his Cracker Jack.

Then there was another FLASH! And they were back on the road, only THIS time they were in… wherever it is the Sox play! I'm guessing New York. And if I'm wrong… DON'T QUESTION NORTH DAKOTA!

" Ayame, I'll buy you… something. When we get there." Said Hatori because Ayame's moping is a lot worse than Ayame's spazzing.

" Okay!" Ayame said excitedly because a present from Hatori is like a present from Santa Clause! Only… BETTER.

" What about me?" Shigure whined.

" You already got a sticker."

" I don't care about the stupid sticker!" Shigure said and began to cry fakely. " I want a present!"

Hatori was just about to erased both of their memories of ANYTHING having to do with cracker jack, when suddenly a man on a motorcycle drove up to them and tapped on their window. We'll call him Motorcycle Jake. Hatori rolled down his window.

" Are you three going to the SOX game?" Motorcycle Jake asked.

" Yes." Said the Mabudachi Trio. How could they understand each other? The magic of the BABELFISH!

" Then follow ME!" Said Motorcycle Jake and sped confidently into the night. The Mabudachi Trio blinked at each other, then decided to just to follow him. Through the night, they FOLLOWED HIM! And the Highway Man came riding… riding… RIDING… the Highway Man came RIDING-

" Here we are!" Said Motorcycle Jake. Everyone looked up at a giant stadium of doom with about a million people crowding it. Motorcycle Jake gave them a hearty grin, then sped off on his motorcycle into the night and exploded.

" We're in AMERICA! Where the bonds of Akito's curse will never reach us!" Shigure cheered. Then he hit himself over the head with his fist and shrieked, " BAD DOBBY!"

" Nope." Shigure chuckled like Kureno. " Still there!"

" Are you sure you two want to go to the Sox Game? Don't want to do something else?" Hatori asked them. He was feeling a lot better. He was in AMERICA, after all. Land of the Free! FREE IDIOTS! DA-HUCK!

" Going somewhere else…?" Ayame and Shigure ventured.

" I dunno… maybe a play or a musical… or something…" Hatori said sounding steadily more and more self-concious when Shigure and Ayame gave him big grins. "… I hear Broadway is really good…"

" You're cute." Shigure said, patting Hatori on the head. " But no."

" Fine." Said Hatori glumly, and opened the doors of the car and started to march moodily off through the gates, then remembered Shigure had the tickets, so turned around to wait for them.

" I'M HATORI! I LIKE BALLET!" Shigure said in a high-pitched voice, doing a fancy little twirl over to where Hatori was standing. " DANCING, DANCING, DANCING!" He said the last part in engrish. HOO-DEE-HOO!

" Shut up. I do not." Said Hatori.

" Yes you DO." Ayame tittered. " Remember when we were kids and we used to watch Cats and The Nutcracker, and you danced around?"

" YOU made me." Hatori lied, and starting looking around to make sure no one heard Ayame, even though they're in a foreign country where no one knows them.

" Welly welly well then! Shall we go?" Shigure exclaimed, and did another little ballerina twirl all the way to the ticket booth. Ayame did the same thing and followed him. Hatori just walked, no matter how much you wished he did so otherwise.

" SHREE, PLEEZU." Shigure said in very bad engrish, even though the Babelfish could have saved this kind of embarassing fun.

" To your right." Said the exploding ticket person. Yes, I realize going to a SOX game isn't the same as going to a movie, but having never BEEN to a SOX game and to a movie plenty of times, we'll just pretend it works like this.

" I don't know if we got very good seats…" Said Shigure doubtfully, holding up their ticket stubs.

" PRESENT! NOW!" Ayame demanded when they come to a stand. Hatori sighed and shelled out a bunch of yen. Luckily… the guy running the booth was blind and didn't realize he was being payed yen instead of dollars. His supervisor will yell at him and… I've just depressed myself.

Hatori bought Ayame one of those giant hands because he thought it fit Ayame very well. And because Shigure was whining so much, he bought HIM a smoothie to shut him up. Then Hatori bought himself a bowl of chili, because it was warm and maybe… JUST maybe… it would MELT THE SNOW!

As it turned out, their seats were not very good at all. In fact, they couldn't even see the game, because they were in the very, very back.

" AWWW!" Shigure and Ayame whined.

" Gee, if you had told me I would have brought a book to read or something." Said Hatori sarcastically, and Ayame poked him with his giant finger.

" We deserve MUCH better than this." Ayame declared.

" You're right, Aya. We do." Said Shigure, and he and Ayame got out of their seats and started marching down the aisle. Hatori tried to ignore them, and ate his Chili, then sighed and got up to follow them down.

" THESE seats look much better." Said Shigure upon reaching the very front row and three empty seats that were there.

" Shigure, we can't just take these seats." Hatori protested, but then Shigure and Ayame plopped down into the seats like they BELONGED there.

" GO SOX!" Shigure and Ayame cheered.

" But…" Hatori said weakly, and stood there for a few seconds hoping his best friends would see the errors of their ways. YEAH RIGHT! So Hatori just sat down very reluctantly at the last seat and continue to eat his Chili.

" HEY!" Came a deep voice, and everyone turned around to see a very big man with two very big friends that looked creepily like very ugly wrestler versions of the Mabudachi Trio on steroids. We'll call them The Hatori, The Shigure, and The Ayame.

" Those are OUR seats." Said The Shigure in a very scary voice.

" I think you must be mistaken." Said the real Shigure calmly, and took a deep sip out of his smoothie.

" NO, YOU MISTAKEN!" Said The Hatori, whose volcabulary is very low.

" Yare, Yare! Most uncouth!" Ayame sniffed.

" You guys, we can't just steal their seats." Hatori muttered under his breath.

" Give us our SEATS, you girly little Japanese men!" The Shigure boomed, while The Hatori and The Ayame nodded. The Ayame doesn't know how to talk. But he can grunt up a storm!

Now Hatori may be a gentleman, but he is also a JAPANESE man, and he won't take anyone insulting his country or his and Shigure's manlihood. So he gave them the Hatori glare of doom and said very slowly, " I think you'll find three seats free in the back. The FAR back."

Something about Hatori's glare of doom frightened The Manly Mabudachi Trio, so they backed down, but only after The Ayame took Hatori's chili and chucked it at him. Hatori looked down with disgust at the messy chili dripping all over his shirt and looked around. " I need a napkin."

" Take it off!" Shigure and Ayame cheered.

" No!" Hatori retorted, sounding scandalized.

" TAKE IT OFF!" Shigure and Ayame cheered again, and a lot of other people started chanting it with them. Hatori subcumbed to peer pressure, turned REALLY red, and took off his shirt. He started to get up to go to the restroom, but Shigure, who was sitting next to him grabbed his hand and made him sit.

" You're at a SOX game Haa-san! Live a little! Here." Shigure whipped out a magical writer's magic marker and slashed a big X on Hatori's chest.

" Shigure!" Hatori snapped, and started to rub out the X, but it was hard to get off.

" Now THAT'S team spirit!" Said some random exploding guy in the background.

" Now you're showing your support." Said Shigure.

" No I'm not. You two have clothes on. I'm just sitting here with an X on my bare chest." Hatori muttered, burying his face in his hands while several people on the other side of the stadium died from excessive nosebleeds.

" Oh well!" Shigure chuckled like Kureno.

" I should have never come…" Hatori moaned.

" Don't say that! Come on! The games about to start!" Shigure cheered, which triggered the game starting.

The home team was, of course, the SOX. DUUUUUUH. I don't feel like looking up another Baseball Team so… they were playing against the Al Bhed Psyches! CRAY-ZAY!

" Hum-badda-hum-badda-badda-badda-badda-BIIIIIIIIIING…!" Said the SOX Team all at the same time, and began marching onto the field like an army. And kept saying it.

" OUI FUUGEN SLAMPH DAHN!" Said the Al Bhed Psyches in their stupid excuse for a language that's no better than a stupid logic problem and that I will never have the desire to learn EVER.

" And… they're off!" Said That Buddy Barn Guy as everyone started playing baseball spontaneously. He served as the announcer for the game. He ALSO served as ref.

I wish I could tell you about the VERY exciting Baseball game, but this fanfic is about Fruits Basket, not baseball. And I hate baseball. So instead, I will tell you what the Mabudachi Trio did during the game.

Hatori couldn't get himself into the game no matter how hard he tried. So he just sat there without a shirt on and wished that they had gone to a ballet instead.

Ayame kept pointing his big finger at people and yelling, and wondered why he hadn't gotten a big pointy finger earlier in his life. He wasn't watching the game.

Shigure payed attention to the game goes he LUBBS baseball! Well… actually…

" Get the ball get the ball get the ball!" Shigure repeated over and over. " Throw the ball, throw it, throw it, please, one more time, throw it, PLEEEEEASE throw it!" His eyes didn't leave the baseball the whole time.

" …you are really very sad." Hatori told Shigure.

Then the game ended with the Al Bhed Psyches blowing the SOX up with ANCIENT MACHINA! YAHOO! Everyone clapped, and that was it. And if you were expecting anything more than that, you deserve NO shirtless Hatori! (slap)

" Well… let's go home." Said Hatori gratefully.

" Awww…" Said Shigure and Ayame.

" There were no dancing girls." Said Shigure.

" Where are the dancing girls? WE WANT DANCING GIRLS!" Ayame demanded, pointing his big finger at no one in particular.

" Come on, let's GO." Hatori growled, and jerked Shigure and Ayame to their feet, and they started to dutifully follow him out of the stadium. UNFORTUNATELY… Hatori bumped into a lady who wasn't looking where she was going! And you know what happened THEN…

" Haa-san!" Shigure cried, and caught the little seahorse Hatori by the tip of it's tail. Ayame grabbed Hatori's clothes. Luckily, the random lady had fainted upon being more than two inches to Hatori's bare chest. It takes a strong, strong woman to stay concious in front of half-naked Hatori. She exploded anyway so OH WELL!

" Great. Just GREAT." Said the Hatori Seahorse angrily, and gave a little meep. " This is great."

" Oh, get over it, Haa-san." Shigure sighed as if turning into a seahorse was no big deal. " At least you don't have to walk around bare-chested anymore!"

_That's true. _Thought seahorse Hatori, and went quiet. Then he had to put up with Shigure and Ayame saying, ' WHOSE a pathetic excuse for the dragon? You are! YOU ARE!'

" TATSU! CHIBI TATSU!"

" If you say that ONE more time…!"

" ARGH! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!" Shigure and Ayame yelled randomly and started to run as fast as they could. Hatori caught a brief glimpse of the Wrestler Mabudachi Trio trampling over people to get to them with their fists raised, when suddenly the world went very dark and he hit something soft.

Unfortunately, Hatori's little seahorse cranium is SO small that the impact knocked him out. What he missed what a narrow escape from The Manly Mabudachi Trio in which Ayame and Shigure were forced to run for their lives. They threw Hatori into Ayame's big finger thing.

When Hatori woke up, he was lying in the back seat of the car, naked, with the finger on his head like a mask.

He fumbled with getting it off, and wondered if the thought of him suffocating had even OCCURRED to Shigure and Ayame, and blinked blearily at the front seat. Shigure was driving, which was good. Because even if Shigure is colorblind and has no license, it's better than having that crazy snake drive.

" Ohayou, Tori-san!" Ayame said cheerfully and threw Hatori's clothes at his head.

" What the… what just happened?" Hatori muttered.

" We were almost killed! Luckily, we managed to escape in time!" Shigure chuckled like Kureno, but looked slightly disturbed, as if he had just been through an EXTREMELY frightening experience.

Ayame, on the other hand, looked perfectly normal, but wore an unatrually large grin even for him. " Aren't you glad you bought me that present, Tori-san?"

" No." Said Hatori, pulling on his clothes. " I think that was the stupidest, most pointless thing I have done in my life. And this stupid X STILL hasn't come off."

" Well, EXCUUUUUUSE me!" Shigure said in an over-dramatic voice.

" You're excused." Hatori said lamely, and finished putting on his clothes.

Then he just sort of curled up into a little ball in the back seat and pretended that the whole stupid thing had just been a very bad dream. Then he realized he was overreacting. It could have been MUCH worse. After all, he just had a big X on his chest. No injuries, no migraines, no memories that had to be erased.

" I'm sorry. You two were just trying to show me a good night." He said humbly.

" Of course!" Said Ayame, but his smile was sort of overly accepting.

" Uh-huh." Said Shigure with dark circles under his eyes. Hatori took this for forgival, and looked out the window until he saw the familiar sight of Shigure's house.

" Well, me and Aya are gonna have a sleepover, so you're free to have the car now!" Shigure said quickly, and practically bolted out of the car. Ayame followed suit and together they sped up the steps to the door.

" Uh… okay…" Hatori said slowly, wondering why they weren't even bothering to BOTHER him some more, or invite him to stay. Then a dark thought occurred to him. Hatori took a couple of deep breaths, and looked out the window. Shigure was slamming on the door like his life depended on it.

Hatori crawled into the front seat, then stepped out very, very slowly. Shigure looked back, and then screamed at the door, " OPEN UP! OPEN UP!"

Hatori stared at his car for a very long time. Then he turned around to look at Shigure and Ayame with a dark aura.

" ARGH! HE'S COMING! HE'S COMING!" Shigure and Ayame screamed, and resorted to slamming themselves bodily against the door. Hatori walked towards them like some sort of creepy seahorse zombie.

" DON'T HURT US!" Shigure whimpered, throwing himself down to the ground.

" IF YOU DO, JUST ERASE OUR MEMORIES OF IT HAPPENING!" Ayame added miserably, grovelling along with Shigure.

" I thought you said YOU drove." Hatori whispered dangerously.

" Only after Aya crashed the first five times!" Shigure admitted.

Hatori was getting ready to smite them then and there, but suddenly the door opened up and Tohru appeared in her pajamas. She smiled at all of them and blinked innocently.

" Welcome home!" Said Tohru.

"…" Said Hatori, because what he was intending to do could NOT be done in front of Honda Tohru. I don't think it could even be done in front of YOU, gentle reader.

" Tohru-kun!" Cried Shigure and Ayame and hugged her.

" EEEHHH!" Exclaimed Tohru as if she WASN'T expecting them to transform.

" HA! I'm a dog! Can't hurt me now!" Shigure scoffed like Carson.

" I have no limbs for you to break! HA-HA-HA!" Ayame laughed, slithering around in circles.

Hatori took a very deep breath.

HOOONK!

" Shouldn't we call… a vet or something?" Yuki asked, since he had come down the stairs after hearing all the shrieks of torture. Tohru was outside, standing in shock over the unconcious bodies of Shigure and Ayame.

" They'll be fine." Said Hatori, sipping some tea that had spontaneously appeared from nowhere. " They'll turn back soon enough."

" …won't they still have their injuries…?" Yuki asked pointedly.

Hatori just took another sip and a crazy laugh-track came out of nowhere.

" WHOA! AWESOME! What the hell happened to THEM!" Came Kyo's voice from outside, sounding as if Christmas had just been announced early.

" Kyo-kun! Welcome home! Um…" Said Tohru in a slightly shaky voice. " Are you feeling better?"

" Yeah. Shishou brought me home. Who beat up Shigure and Ayame?" Kyo asked, probably wanting to shake their hand, whoever they were. Then he marched into the house and gave Yuki and Hatori offended looks.

" Who…?"

Hatori raised his hand.

" I didn't know you knew martial arts." Kyo admitted.

" I don't NEED martial arts." Hatori said in the most badass voice ever and Kyo stared at him. Then he looked down at the table where Ayame's giant finger thingy was resting.

" GREAT!" Said Kyo. " I always wanted one of these." Then he gave an evil laugh and pointed it at Yuki. " YOU suck, Yuki."

Yuki just gave Kyo a look that clearly suggested he was the biggest idiot in the entire galazy. Then he quietly reached out, bent the giant pointer finger back, and let go, so that it hit Kyo squarely in between the eyes.

" OW! HEY! YOU'RE FIGHTING DIRTY! DAMN RAT! I'LL SHOW YOU!"

" Where does Shigure keep his ciggarettes…?" Hatori wondered outloud.

OMAKE!

Wow… I can't even do anything but apologize this time. So, come on Ritsu!

Ritsu: GOMEN NASAI SEKAIJUU NO GOMEN NASAI KIMI-TACHI WA GOMEN NASAI GOMEN NASAI GOMEN NASAI GOMEN NASAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

Ohohoho! I have no good excuse other than… THAAAAAT'S me!

Carl: So you're… stupid? That excuses you?

Hayley: I don't take insults from organisms that haven't even evolved limbs yet.

Carl: Too bad YOU haven't evolved yourself a brain bigger than a skittle.

Hayley: …

Bigfoot: YOU GET SERVED.

Anyway… Jet Black has been having to live here for two long months!

Jet Black: (waves banner that says SEND HELP! AND FOOD!) Yep.

So let's get to asking questions already!

Vaxania: Will you sign my pants?

Hayley: SURE, KID! (whips out Shigure's magical writer's magic marker) Doo-dee-doo! (smirks a ' YOU HAVE NO ARMS' smirk at Carl)

CrescentStrata: Jet Black!  
Okayokay, I have a question.  
Poor poor Jet! Why do youp ut up with so much? You cook for that Spike because he can't POSSIBLY cook for himelf, of COURSE not, no! He's far too badass and would just burn things with his flamethrower anyway. And then complain until YOU cook him something that isn't burned! And then all he does is say things like "We're having this AGAIN?" or "You DON'T call bellpeppers and beef without beef bellpappers and beef, Jet!"  
You should teach that young fool boy not to be so ungrateful.

Jet: I haven't had anything to eat in two months.

Hayley: Sorry…

Jet: …BUT WHEN I GET BACK, I'M GOING TO MAKE THOSE TWO UNGRATEFUL SLOBS MAKE ME WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT IT! GAH!

Hayley: Oi, Jet-kun, ochitsuite… OO

Genny-chan: Bigfoot,

How do you feel when people don't believe in you?

Bigfoot: BIGFOOT CRY. BUT BIGFOOT WIN BIG BASKETBALL GAME VERSUS ALIENS WITH BUGS BUNNY THEN BIGFOOT BELIEVE HE CAN FLY AND TOUCH SKY AND YAY.

Carl,

Why are you always so mean to everybody?

Carl: I'm not being mean. I'm just pointing out the obvious. Like you're a big ugly turd.

Hayley: CARL! (slap)

Hayley,

Who is Carson? Why does everyone scoff like him?

Hayley: Carson is the annoying blonde from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. People scoff like him because an old reviewer whom I sorely miss now suggested it! OI, NARIA, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!

Duct Tape Kitten: Do YOU like Baseball Hayley? Bigfoot? Carl?

Hayley: PASS. (on baseball)

Carl: Balls are retarded.

Hayley: Just because YOU don't have-

Bigfoot: TAKE BIGFOOT OUT TO THE BALL GAME.

Rachey-san: So, uh, Jet Black, how do you deal with being rejected by the person you're madly in love with?

Jet: Well… it's not like there anything you can do to change that person's feelings for you. What they feel is what they feel.

Hayley: Yeah…

Jet: I mean, if we could have just been together, even for five minutes a day, that was enough for me, because I'd cherish those minutes like they were lifetimes. But it wasn't enough for that person.

Hayley: (sniff) Uh-huh…

Jet: People meet, people part. People cling to each other as long as they can.

Hayley: (sob)

Jet: I'm not saying I'll ever give up on them…

Hayley: TELL HIM, JET! TELL THAT IDIOT WITH THE GREEN AFRO HOW YOU FEEL!

Jet: …WHAT!

Hayley: SPIKE! YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM YOUR TRUE FEELINGS!

Jet: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!

Hayley: Oh. Heh-heh-heh…

Nakigara: Question questions questions! does the question dance Questions for Hayley? NO! I don't need anything from her! Questions for Carl? NO! He's too mean... Questions for Bigfoot? NO! Well... maybe... I DUNNO! Questions for Jet Black! YES! HAI! OUI!

uses Kisa voice: Anou... Black-san... Anou... Wa-,... anou ne... ano... ... ... anou... gets killed by Akito

Oops. Oh well.

Naki: turns into random reporter mode MR JET BLACK! raises pencil into the air like an intelligent little inquisitive being How IS IT that Hayley convinced you to do this? Did she PAY you? Did she PROMISE you something? Will you be my mom? HOW LONELY ARE YOU?

French Naki: reverts into random french reporter mode Monsieur Black! Pourquoi vous etes toujours triste? Pourquoi vous GACKT! cough cough GACKT! cough hack cough GACKT!

Oh my, it seems that french naki, which her bad french grammar, couldn't keep the act going. Gackt-ATTACK! It's like her version of pinocchio's nose. only with gackt. Can't spew crappy language here! GACKT WILL SAVE THE FRENCH LANGUAGE! (because he says he can speak it).

Last 2 questions:  
1.)Boxers or Briefs?  
2.) Insert question about Teddiursa here  
Muahahahhahaahhaaha!

Jet Black: She told me I had won a million Woolongs. I soon found out how wrong I was…

Hayley: I don't even know what Woolongs look like! DO they look like anything? Jet is MY mom. Shoo! Shoo!

Jet: I am very lonely.

Boxers. Briefs are icky.

…(glare)

JadedTigress: What are Bigfoots and Carl's favorite characters?

Hayley: Well, MINE is Hatori.

Bigfoot: MAILMAN.

Carl: Akito. (role-model)

Do you like Electric Light Orchestra Hayley?

Hayley: Electric Light whatta? Sounds… like a toaster that can sing!

Kireina: (seeing as I'm JUST reading these questions now, I am half-tempted to go back and add the LOTR cast in there but perhaps it is better for all our sakes not to…)

Can you REALLY cook better than Spike or are you just talking… and are you crushing on your Bonzai plants?

Jet: I CAN cook better than Spike. And-

Hayley: SO IT WAS YOUR BONZAI PLANTS! (SOB) JET, I NEVER KNEW!

Jet: MY WIFE! MY WIFE! MY EX-WIFE!

Hayley: What Ex-wife?

Jet: Episode 10!

Hayley: That episodes boring.

Jet: ARGH!

Anyway, if any of you are still alive out there, domo arigatou, Mr. Roboto! Next time will be… something random! We'll have to meet it when we-

Carl: Already used that.

…

Ja!


	6. The Real Shoopuf Blues

I have decided just to inform everyone that I will not be continuing this fanfic. That's right, it's over. Yes, it did not have a clear ending, but if it makes you feel any better, I didn't have a clear ending in mind. OH WELL!

But since I love you all so much, and will sue me if I don't include an actual STORY in a chapter, then here is an ending anyway. ENJOY!

Hatori stumbled down the stairs, where several more syndicate members had gathered to witness the bloodbath. They tensed at the sight of the man, let their fingers tighten around the holsters of their guns. But the man just smiled, as if he couldn't see them at all. Smiled as if staring into a faraway dream.

" Buh…" Hatori mumbled, flecks of blood flying from his lips, but also smiling contently. He raised his finger up, and cocked it, like one would a gun. He closed one eye, but no one saw because his hair obstructs one eye from vision and at the risk of suddenly ruining the dramatic atmosphere, we quit talking about it.

" Bang." Hatori sighed, then fell to his knees. A choir came out and started singing. And some credits rolled. And rolled. And rolled some more. And the camera zoomed out and out and out until you saw space, and then a star, and then you were like, Oh My God, Best ending ever.

THE END

…

Hayley: Oh My God, I am a genius.

Hatori: …

Hayley: I need to write this in somewhere.

Hatori: …you're kidding, right?

Hayley: Seriously, Haa-san, get me a notebook, we're making magic happen.

Hatori: …I'm just going to go… do something else now.

Hayley: Yeah, you do that.

Hatori: I will.

(awkward silence)

Hayley: I LOVE YOU HATORI!

Hatori: (walks away)

Hayley: (Cloud shrug) OH WELL!

Kureno: (comes out of nowhere dressed in glamour rock star) DON'T STOP… BELIEVIN'-

Hayley: Too late.

Kureno: NOOO! MY GRAND FINALE!

Hayley: Kureno, it's time for you to get in character.

Kureno: NOOOO! BUT I'M SO BORING THAT WAY!

Hayley: I know, sweetie. I know

The End (for good)

Kureno Chuckle Count: 12

Jay and Silent Bob Will Return in Shoopuf Society

See You, Space Shoopuf…


	7. Haru and the Search for Groundhog Day!

Chapter 6

Haru and the Search for Groundhog's Day

" WAKE UP HARU, WAKE UP!" Momiji screamed at the top of his lungs, and started jumping up and down on Haru's bed. He accidently stepped on Haru's head a few times, but NOT enough times to make him go Black Haru. Just to make him go Boo-Boo Haru.

" Please don't jump on me…" Haru said quietly after Momiji had already finished jumping and had run out of the room. Haru took a few seconds to take in the pain and sudden awakening, then sighed and slowly rose his body out from under the covers.

_What's today? _Haru thought, and looked at the calendar that Yuki had gotten him for Christmas. It had MOTORCYCLES on it! But even more wonderfully, Yuki KNEW that Haru liked motorcycles!

"…February the second…" Haru read aloud. Then he looked at the smaller writing. " Groundhog's Day…" He thought about that for a few seconds. Then he shrugged and said, " Oh well."

About forty minutes later, when he had managed to get dressed and NOT comb his hair, Hatori came stomping in while he was brushing his teeth. " Haru, what is taking you so long?"

" …mmph." Said Haru, and continued to brush his teeth.

" Haru, you know I have to go give Kyo his flu shot today, and I need you and Momiji to come with me because…blahblahblahblahblah…" Hatori's rambling Old Maid talk became a blur in the background, and Haru focused on his teeth brushing instead. _Can't forget to brush my tongue. _

" So hurry up." Hatori said when Haru started to brush his tongue because… no one really likes to watch someone else brush their tongue. After he was done brushing, Haru went downstairs where Momiji was eating CocoPuffs.

" Want some Haru?" Momiji asked happily, and shoved the box over to Haru, who started eating it OUT of the box like some common hooligan boy! THE NERVE!

" Happy Groundhogs Day." Said Haru.

" What's that?" Asked Momiji.

Haru shrugged, and ate some more CocoPuffs.

" Haru, what are you doing? Eat that out of a bowl. It's unsanitary." Hatori said automatically as he strode by doing IMPORTANT HATORI THINGS!

" Hatori-niisan, what's Groundhogs Day?" Haru asked, obidiently putting the CocoPuffs Cereal box down.

Hatori stopped walking and sighed. _I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DEAL WITH GROUNDHOG'S DAY! _Busy Hatori screamed.

_Be nice to your little cousin! _Big Nice Hatori scolded.

_This… SNOW! _Angst-ridden Hatori angsted.

" A groundhog is a small rodent that lives in the ground. On Feburary second, every year, a groundhog comes out of it's hole. If the groundhog sees it's shadow, there will be five or six more weeks of winter. If it doesn't, spring will come normally." Said Hatori.

_NO! IT MUST SEE IT'S SHADOW! MORE SNOW! NO SPRING EVER EVER EVER!_ Angst-Ridden Hatori yelled, throwing a tantrum.

" Oh…" Said Haru after he had grasped the general concept. " Did it see it's shadow?"

" I don't know. I didn't watch the news. Momiji?" Hatori sighed, counting the five more seconds he would spend wasting his time in the room answering stupid questions.

" NOPE!" Said Momiji.

"… but now I'm curious." Haru admitted.

" Well, Haru, it's not the end of the world." Said Hatori, checking his watch. " You two put your coats and hats on. We have to get going to Shigure's."

" Can I sit in the front?" Haru asked automatically while Momiji ran off to get his coat.

" If Momiji doesn't mind." Hatori answered, already walking away.

_He doesn't, _Haru decided.

HOOONK!

" I AIN'T GET NO KICK FROM CHAMPAGNE!"

" Haru, can you PLEASE change the station?" Hatori asked, and Haru reluctantly turned the little knob. Just so you know… because I know you LOVE to know… Hatori's car is still all beat up and trashy, because Shigure and Ayame pretended to not have enough money to fix it! And Hatori doesn't have enough money, so that poor old car is OOGLY!

But Haru's bicycle loves it anyway… AWWW…

Haru's Bicycle X Hatori's American Car FOR EVAH!1111

" Can we listen to Radio Disney!" Momiji shouted from the back.

" If we HAVE to." Haru sighed, and switched it to Radio Disney.

" HAPPY GROUNDHOGS DAY! EVERYONE DANCE AROUND AND WEAR GROUNDHOG SUITS! DO THE GROUNDHOG SHUFFLE!" Shouted the very scary DJs of Radio Disney, and began to sing the Groundhog Shuffle, which sounded suspicously like the Ham-Ham Dance.

" I didn't know Groundhog's Day was such a big deal!" Momiji exclaimed.

" It's not." Said Hatori but he was ignored.

_Now I HAVE to know if that groundhog saw his shadow or not… _Haru thought.

HOOONK!

Hatori rang the secret doorbell on Shigure's door that only exists if you revive Aeris by building her out of the remains of RAINER, the super-de-duper-secret-evolved form of BLASTOISE!

…and the rest of this story will now seem a lot less exciting.

" Coming!" They heard Tohru say.

" No, I'll get it." Said Kyo.

" Oh, but I couldn't-"

" IT'S JUST A STUPID DOOR! LET ME DO IT FOR YOU! GOD!" The door slammed open and Kyo looked at all of them grumpily. Uh-oh! Someone got out on the wrong side of bed this morning! THE CAT!

" Hatori? What are you… doing… here…?" Kyo's eyes traveled to the medical suitcase Hatori was holding, and there was a long pause.

" NO!" Kyo screamed and slammed the door in their face. They heard the sound of his footsteps thudding up the stairs and many more doors slamming.

_Every year… _Hatori thought, burying his face in his hand.

" Kyo-kun? Ah!" The door opened again. This time it was TOHRU! Bet you weren't expecting THAT! " Hello, Hatori-san, Hatsuharu-san, Momiji-kun!"

" Hello Honda-kun. Did Shigure tell you we were coming by?" Hatori asked, moving into the room like some sort of… CALL DOCTOR.

" No-"

" TOHRU!" Momiji cheered as if he hadn't seen her in twenty years.

" Shigure!" Hatori called at the foot of the stairs. " Didn't you tell them? Shigure?"

" Hello Honda-san." Said Haru. " Happy Groundhogs Day."

" …what?" Tohru asked with a big goofy smile.

At that moment, everyone turned around to see Shigure unsuccsessfully trying to sneak out the door with his coat on. When he saw everyone looking at him, he started flailing his arms around.

" I'm going for a walk! To the dentist! My grandmother is sick!"

Hatori glowered at him. " I thought you were going to tell Kyo about his shot-"

" I'M NOT TAKING A SHOT!" Kyo screamed from upstairs.

" S-H-O-T…" Hatori said after a pause, " So he would at least be somewhat past the first stage." That's right folks. Kyo has STAGES when it comes to shots.

" I was gonna… but then he starts BREAKING stuff…" Shigure whined, and inched towards the door. " Haa-san, he's been like this ever since he was little, you don't need me to-"

" I need you to help me convince him. How hard is that?"

" I'm not good at convincing!"

Hatori decided to admit the truth that he and Shigure both knew. " I need you to make fun of him so he'll let me give it to him."

"…OH-KAY…" Shigure sighed, but now that he knew he was going to get to make fun of Kyo, he decided it was going to be FUN!

" Momiji, I need you to go get Yuki. If he's present, it'll put more pressure on Kyo to take the shot. Honda-kun, make his favorite meal. Haru…" Hatori stared at Haru, then shook his head. " Nevermind. Come on Shigure." And with THAT, Hatori and Shigure went up the stairs.

" Do you know if the groundhog saw it's shadow?" Haru asked Tohru.

"… no…" Tohru said and immediately started to beat herself up for it. _WHY can't I help the people around me! Why can't I be a more STABLE person that knows about Groundhogs! I'M SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON!_ And she ran off to make Kyo's favorite food so Momiji and Haru wouldn't see her cry.

" Come with me to wake up Yuki!" Momiji said.

"…okay." Said Haru, since waking Yuki up is ONLY like, his TWENTY-EIGHTH favorite Yuki pastime, followed by watching Yuki rotate a pencil in his hand.

Meanwhile, Yuki was having a WONDERFUL dream!

FANCY DREAM SEQUENCE

" Hi Yuki!" Said Batman, Yuki's FAVORITE superhero.

" Wow… BATMAN!" Said Yuki, who in dreams, lets himself go. He had dreamed of meeting Batman for the LONGEST! When he was a kid, he had a TON of Batman toys, all the Batman movies, and even a Batman Poster that Ayame ripped, which is probably the MAIN reason for their gap.

" Wanna take a spin in the… BATMOBILE?" Batman asked with a gruff smile, and the Batmobile appeared out of nowhere.

" REALLY! ALRIGHT!" Yuki said, and got into the Batmobile. Batman got in too, and they went BLASTING through the streets of Gotham City! It was the BEST!

" Where are we going Batman?" Yuki asked Batman, barely able to contain his excitement. He hoped they were going to the BATCAVE! He had always WANTED to go THERE!

" To give Kyo a shot." Said Batman.

"…WHAT?" Yuki asked after a shocked pause, then realized he was no longer talking to the Dark Knight, and that it was Momiji standing in front of him instead. It took him a few seconds to realize his ride in the Batmobile had just been a dream, and then he groaned and pulled the covers up over his head, very depressed.

" GET UP YUKI, GET UP!" Momiji exclaimed, and ripped Yuki's covers of his bed.

" No…" Yuki protested and stuck his head under the pillow, and tried to find the Batman dream again. Then he started to feel very SELF-CONCIOUS, laying there in his pajamas. They were his worst pair of pajamas. They had Mickey-Mouse heads on them and Yuki thought that was sort of corny.

But HATORI got them for him, and you just can't throw away Hatori's presents. Even if it's the dreaded ARMY MEN Playstation games he got for Hiro on that poor sheep's birthday.

" What about that Baka Neko?" Yuki groaned, bunching up the pillow and peeking out from underneath it.

" We're giving him a SHOT!" Momiji exclaimed as if they were giving Kyo his fondest wish.

" And how does that involve ME?" Yuki sighed impatiently.

" You have to make him subcumb to peer pressure!" Momiji cheered. Little did he know, YUKI subcumbs to peer pressure almost everyday of his life! So it's not like he's an expert at CAUSING it, he's just an expert at RECEIVING it.

" Fine." Said Yuki, because… because he was very tired! GO AWAY! Then he got up and looked at the door and waited for Momiji and Haru to leave. When they didn't, he cleared his throat.

" What?" Asked Momiji and Haru.

Yuki gave them a YOU know what look. But this is Haru and Momiji we're talking about so they just continued to stare stupidly on at Yuki as if her were some mildly entertaining television program.

" I need to get DRESSED." Said Yuki finally.

" So do it." Said Momiji.

" Yeah." Said Haru. " We're all guys. What's the big deal?"

What's the big deal? WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL! …there was no big deal! Yuki is just a girl! NO MATTER HOW HARD HE TRIES TO BE A MAN, HE WILL ALWAYS BE A GIRL!

" Well… okay…" Said Yuki, turning all red and embarassed since he realized that changing in front of his two MALE cousins is not that big of a deal. Sheesh.

" Yuki, do you know what Groundhog's Day is?" Haru asked while Yuki took off his clothes while the Stripping Music played in the background.

" Yeah." Said Yuki since, BEING the rat and all, he's an expert on rodent holidays.

" Do you know if he saw his shadow today?" Asked Haru.

" No." Said Yuki. " Why do you need to know?"

" I just do." Haru said blankly and Yuki gave him a bug-eyed look, then finished putting his DAY clothes on and the Stripping Music stopped.

" Why don't you go on the internet and find out?" Yuki suggested like the girly nerd he is.

" That's a great idea, Yuki." Haru said as enthusiastically as he can, and a little heart came out of nowhere. " You're so smart."

" Oh, well…" Yuki said, getting all embarassed again. HA! THOSE TWO ARE LIKE A WALK TO REMEMBER! And Yuki will die of cancer and Haru will turn on the TV and Yuki will be singing him a song, and Haru won't be weirded out by this at ALL!

HOOONK!

" Kyo, open the door." Hatori called from outside Kyo's door. Shigure was with him, and Tohru was standing nearby with a big tray full of Fishsticks and Goldfish crackers.

" NO!" Screamed Kyo and something heavy hit the door.

" You are making a much bigger deal out of this than it needs to be." Hatori reprimanded. " Now just come out and take your shot."

" I DON'T NEED A SHOT! I'M PERFECTLY HEALTHY!"

" You were sick just a few months ago."

" THAT WAS YUKI'S FAULT!"

Hatori rolled his eyes, but you only saw ONE move, because the other is HIDDEN! " Now, how is you getting sick Yuki's fault?"

"… I DUNNO! He's the RAT!"

" That's just stupid and you know it."

" YOU'RE stupid!"

" That's it." Said Hatori. " We're going into Phase Two. Shigure?"

" Yessir!" Shigure said, saluting smartly, and took Hatori's place at the door.

" Kyo-chaaaaan! Why don't you want to get your shot?" He called in that special little Shigure voice.

Kyo retained a sulky silence.

" Are you SCAAARED of the big, mean, ugly old Haa-san?"

_Excuse me?_ Hatori thought, giving Shigure an offended look.

" I'M NOT AFRAID OF HIM!"

" Oh yeah?" Shigure challenged, reverting back to his normal voice. " Then why are you hiding in your room under your bed?"

" I'M NOT HIDING UNDER MY BED!" Kyo yelled. Then they heard his head hit something hard. " OW!"

" Kyo-kun, a REAL man would just take his shot and get over it."

" I DON'T CARE!"

" Do we have to go in and strap him down now?" Shigure whispered to Hatori.

" Wait. I've got one more plan of action. Honda-kun?" Hatori said, looking to Tohru.

" Leave it to me!" Said Tohru and nearly dropped the tray.

HOOONK!

" Thanks for letting me use your computer, Yuki." Said Haru, as he slowly found the mouse and then moved the little arrow up to the Internet Explorer button VEEEERY slowly.

" No problem." Said Yuki, resisting the urge to grab the mouse and just jerk the arrow onto the icon already.

" What do I do now?" Haru asked when he had the arrow over the icon.

" Double-click." Said Yuki.

" Okay." Said Haru.

CLICK.

…

…

…

…

" DOUBLE click." Yuki repeated impatiently.

" Right." Said Haru.

…

CLICK.

" WELCOME TO COMPUSERVE!" Said a random lady even though they're not using Compuserve.

" Whoa." Said Haru.

" You have MAIL!" The lady gushed. Haru scooted back from the computer a little bit because it was all just a bit much at once for him. The page loaded, and Yuki pointed to the web browser.

" Now go to God Bless You Google!" Everyone in the house said at once, even Kyo.

On the Google Screen, there was a GROUNDHOG sitting on one of the O's!

" How did they know I was going to look for Groundhog's Day?" Haru pondered. Yuki decided they didn't have enough time to explain.

" Okay, now just type in what you want to search for." Yuki ordered.

" YUKI-KUN!" Shigure called. " WHERE ARE YOU!"

" I've gotta go. You can take it from here." Yuki told Haru, but little did he know that Haru can rarely take it from anywhere. Haru watched Yuki go sadly, then looked at the computer screen and the blank little place where he was supposed to be typing something in.

_Groundhog Day Results, _thought Haru.

_No._

_What the Groundhog Saw on Groundhog's Day._

_No._

_Groundhog see shadow? Yes or No._

…_nah._

As Haru spent his time wondering exactly how to word his search, thirty minutes passed and Yuki's screensaver came on. It was a screensaver that Ayame had downloaded and blocked Yuki from ever changing. MWHAHAHAHA!

The screensaver was Ayame grinning MOST cheesily and a signature at the bottom that said ' I HEART Nii-san!' It's safe to say this is the REAL reason Yuki doesn't like anyone being in his room for too long. That and his cheese collection.

That boy sure does love his cheese.

HOOONK!

" Just so you know… it's not that I'm really SCARED of getting a shot. I just don't WANT to." Kyo told Tohru testily as the two of them sat on Kyo's bed and shared some Onigiri. Yes. Tohru was going UNDERCOVER for Hatori. You would have never expected Tohru to be a double-agent for the Mabudachi but… that's the truth.

" Oh, I understand Kyo-kun! Shots are dreadful! But getting a cold is MORE dreadful!" Said Tohru. Because there is NOTHING more dreadful than colds. NOTHING!

" Yeah, I know… but…" Kyo looked away from her lamely, obviously reluctant to talk about what was going through his mind.

" What is it, Kyo-kun?" Tohru asked. She was SUPPOSED to be convincing Kyo as to why shots weren't that big of a deal, but she was interested as to WHY he had that look on his face. It could be because of something DREADFUL!

" It's just… just…"

" Just WHAT?"

" The first time I got a shot… was really traumatizing for me," Kyo admitted. " So now it's hard for me to have one ANYtime!"

" The first time… how old were you Kyo-kun?"

Kyo blushed and grabbed an onigiri. " Just a kid… you know…"

FANCY DISSOLVING FLASHBACK SEQUENCE!

" Are you ready to go see Hatori-kun…………………………KYO?" Kazuma asked while he held Kyo's hand as they walked up to the dojo.

" SURE!" Said little Kyo because who WOULDN'T want to see Hatori AND Kazuma in the same room! I wish that they LIVED in the same room so I could trap them inside and watch them ALL the time!

" But Shishou, why is Hatori HERE?" Little Kyo asked as they neared the door. Hatori NEVER visited them usually, except to bring Christmas presents and free tylenol! And he CERTAINLY never came to learn karate because think about it… Hatori, karate. It doesn't work.

" He's coming to give you a shot. But not like tequila!" Kazuma chuckled like Kureno. He didn't seem to care that this joke was completely lost on Kyo.

" OKAY!" Said Kyo enthusiastically. They walked inside.

Teenage Hatori was standing right by the door as if he were scared to actually be inside. He didn't look very happy with himself, in any case. Then again, sticking little children with a SYRINGE and making them CRY tends to dampen your spirits.

No WONDER Hatori is so uncomfortable all the time. He's made EVERYONE cry! He had to be the one to ask Momiji's mother the question that TRAUMATIZED Momiji, he had to MIND-FLIP all of Yuki's little friends, and he made Tohru wait for him to turn back into a NAKED MAN in the middle of the street! GOD!

" Hello Kazuma-san." Said Hatori.

" Hi Hatori-kun! Thanks so much for dropping by to see…………………KYO."

" HI HATORI!" Little Kyo shouted because he was a little knave who didn't know the truth about Hatori's intentions and he was an innocent child then.

" Uh… hi… Kyo." Said Hatori, shifting his feet a little bit.

" Did you bring me a present!" Little Kyo shrieked because I guess Hatori was sort of the equivalent to Santa Clause to him.

" No…" Hatori started to say uncomfortably, but Kazuma interrupted.

" He's brought you the gift of HEALTH!"

" COOL!" Said little Kyo. " Where IS it!"

He looked up at Hatori like he was expecting him to whip out a big bunny rabbit.

Hatori, not being very sensitive, or tactful, at that, pulled a five inch long syringe out of his pocket and the Psycho music went ' DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN!'

Poor little Kyo's face froze, then he screamed bloody murder at the top of his lungs.

DISSOLVE BACK TO PRESENT!

" Oh Kyo-kun! That must have been so scary!" Tohru said.

Kyo wanted to say, IT WAS! But that would be too embarassing so he just chewed on his Onigiri instead.

This just made Tohru think Kyo was SO scarred by the memory of Hatori whipping out a giant needle on him, and she began to feel so bad that she started to cry. Then Kyo started to freak out and demand WHY she was crying. This only made her cry harder.

" I'M SO SORRY KYO-KUN!" Tohru sobbed.

" QUIT CRYING!"

" BUT KYO-KUN… KYO-KUN… I TOO… I TOO HAD A HAND IN THIS! BECAUSE I TOO WAS TRYING TO GET YOU TO HAVE A… A… SH-SH-SHOT!" Tohru wailed.

" You what?" Asked Kyo.

" I… I was supposed to be convincing you to let Hatori-san give you a shot!" Tohru sniffled. " But now I see that it is something that really, really frightens you Kyo-kun! Please forgive me!"

_So Hatori wants to play THAT way, huh…? _Thought Kyo, then turned his attention back to Tohru and started to feel bad.

" Okay, okay, stop crying. Come on, please? I'm not mad at you."

" Y-you're not?" Tohru asked, staring at him with wide-eyes.

" Nah. You're just a dweeb, you didn't know what was going on. Hey… I know! Hey, yeah, I know!" Kyo jumped to his feet and gave Tohru a very large grin. Kyo had just gotten an idea! Everyone listen very carefully! Kyo's ideas only come few and far in between!

" Tohru, I have an idea!" Kyo exclaimed. OMG! HE USED HER NAME! Well, he does in the manga and the anime, but this is the first time he's ever used it in MY fanfics, so this is NOTEWORTHY!

" Do you?"

" Yeah! I know how I don't have to take a shot! But you've gotta help me."

" O-okay!" Said Tohru, trying to look VERY determined. She was happy that Kyo was showing so much energy!

" Okay… it'll go like this…" Said Kyo.

HOOONK!

Haru was getting frusturated.

He wanted to know whether or not the groundhog had seen its shadow! But all he was seeing was PICTURES of groundhogs! He had thought that Google was there to HELP him! He had thought that Google was his FRIEND! But apparently not! Apparently Google only wanted to offer row after row, page after page, PICTURE AFTER PICTURE, of stupid fat, furry groundhogs!

" Why won't you TELL me!" Haru exclaimed at the computer screen, as if it could answer back.

Little did he know, that he had accidentally set Google into IMAGE search instead of WEBSITE search! So no matter HOW badly he wanted to know, all he was going to get was pictures of groundhogs! Wild groundhogs, tame groundhogs, that groundhog from Winnie the Pooh, famous groundhogs, Clay Aiken… MILLIONS OF GROUNDHOGS!

" Groundhogs… Groundhogs… Groundhogs… ALL OF YOU!" Haru suddenly screamed at the computer. " ALL OF YOU STARING WITH YOUR BEADY… LITTLE… GROUNDHOG… EYES! YOU BUNCHA GODDAMN UGLY RATS! ARRRRRRRGH!"

Uh-oh! I think he's gone Black, guys! But maybe I'm wrong…

Haru slammed a fist into the computer's monitor, and broke a hole in it. It immediately sparked and began to emit smoke.

Oh yeah, he's definitely gone Black.

" SCREW YOU GOOGLE! SCREEEEEEEEEEEEW YOOOOOOOOOOU YOU STUPID SEARCH ENGINE! ROT IN HELL! DIE! DIE! DIE!" Black Haru yelled, kicking Yuki's actual COMPUTER now. No, Haru, stop! You shouldn't break other people's things just because you don't know what the groundhog saw!

" SCREW YOU, HAYLEY! YOU TAKE WAY TOO LONG TO UPDATE THIS STUPID STORY!" Black Haru screamed at yours truly, kicked a hole in Yuki's wall, then marched out of the room to go wreak havoc on groundhogs wherever he may find them.

…I don't take TOO long. Only like… half a year, geez.

BLACK HOOONK!

" It's been sort of a long time…" Momiji observed as he, Yuki, Hatori, and Shigure all stood outside of Kyo's door.

" It really has," Yuki sighed. " Can't I go have some breakfast, at least?"

" Have breakfast AFTER you whittle down Kyo's self-esteem!" Shigure scolded. " Besides, what do you think is left for you anyway? Breakfast time is OVER, Yuki-kun!"

" I just want some granola…" Yuki said with an annoyed expression.

" Well, I just want Haa-san to grow a beard! But I don't COMPLAIN about it!" Shigure said overdramatically.

Hatori, who had been trying to listen to what was going on inside, gave Shigure a weird look. " You want me to grow a beard?"

" Yeah. What?" Shigure added, as if this was the most normal thing to want ever.

" Why?" Hatori asked, slightly disturbed.

" Why NOT?"

" There has to be a reason for you wanting me to grow a beard. You just want me to so you can make fun of it, don't you?"

" HATORI!" Shigure gasped. " I AM SO OFFENDED! WHEN HAVE I EVER MADE FUN OF YOU!"

Hatori decided not to even acknowledge that Shigure existed anymore. " I don't think Honda-kun is having any success."

" I'm going to go eat my granola." Yuki decided, sick of standing around doing nothing.

" Me too!" Said Momiji, since he has nothing better to do, and skipped off after Yuki.

" Hey… wait… where are you two…?" Hatori started, but then realized they had abandoned him. MAN! You can't just abandon HATORI like that! He's in the middle of something very important!

" That's okay, Haa-san. You still have ME." Shigure said and slung an arm around Hatori's shoulder.

" You're no help." Said Hatori, and pushed Shigure's arm off.

" YOU'RE no help!" Shigure accused childishly and ran off in fake tears. He actually just wanted to eat some granola with Momiji and Yuki.

So Hatori was left standing outside the door all along. GEEZ! EVERYONE JUST DITCH HATORI AND GO HAVE A BIG GRANOLA PARTY!

…

Okay, I'm back. Where were we?

_Great, _thought Hatori. _Now I have to do this all by myself. _

But just as he was thinking that, who should exit the room but Tohru!

" Honda-kun. Did it work?" Hatori asked, ASSUMING Tohru had did as she was supposed to and convince Kyo to let Hatori stick him with a needle.

" Um… That is… Um… Ha-Hatori-san… have you been doing well?" Tohru asked in a very shaky voice.

Hatori gave her a weird look. " Well… yeah… pretty well…"

Tohru continued, sounding very unsure of herself. " That's-that's so great, Hatori-san!"

Then she just kept glancing back to the room, and then back to Hatori. Hatori isn't stupid. He knows what's going on.

" Honda-san, are you trying to keep me preoccupied while Kyo finds a way to make an escape?" Hatori asked.

" I'M SO SORRY!" Tohru cried, bursting into tears yet again. " I AM… I AM… A DOUBLE AGENT, HATORI-SAN!"

_Not a very good one, _Hatori decided and sighed. " I'm sorry, Honda-kun, but you're going to have to let me go in and see Kyo now."

" Please, Hatori-san! Be gentle! Kyo-kun is really scared of shots!"

" I will…" Hatori sighed, then pushed the door open. But when he looked inside… KYO WAS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN! MY GOD! WHERE COULD HE BE!

" HELP!" Screamed Kyo.

Hatori ran over to the window only to see Kyo dangling from a sheet that he had very loosely tied around the gutter pipe that ran next to his window. Now he was caught between a rock and a hard place! Well… the side of the house and the ground. But the ground is a VERY hard place!

" Kyo!" Hatori exclaimed and grabbed the sheet, which was slipping off the gutter pipe. " What the hell do you think you're doing?"

" ESCAPING!" Kyo yelled as if he WEREN'T hanging for dear life. Well, I told you Kyo only gets ideas like once in a thousand years. I didn't say they were GOOD ideas.

" You idiot." Said Hatori. " Listen, I'm going to pull you up and then you are going to take your stupid flu shot."

" NO!" Kyo screamed and wriggled furiously at the other end.

" Kyo! You're going to fall!"

" I'D RATHER DIE THAN TAKE A SHOT!"

" You are coming back up here, right now!"

" NEVER!" Kyo screamed at the top of his lungs and started pulling DOWN! What a weenie!

Hatori realized there was nothing he could do but hold on tight and pray that Kyo would not be so stupid as to get a concussion just because he didn't want a flu shot. Because then Kyo might have epilepsy AND the flu!

HOOONK!

" HEY! DID THE GROUNDHOG SEE IT'S GODDAMN SHADOW OR NOT, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!" Black Haru screamed at a passing car and threw a potted plant at it. The person driving drove away hastily and exploded.

" WHY WON'T ANY OF YOU ANSWER ME!" Black Haru yelled at the entire world. " ARE YOU ALL JUST CHICKEN! HUH! CHICKEN! AFRAID OF SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER! I AIN'T SCARED OF SIX MORE WEEKS! BRING IT ON! I'LL TAKE ANOTHER WHOLE _YEAR _OF WINTER!"

" KYO, STOP PLAYING AROUND!" Hatori yelled from the window.

" NOT UNLESS YOU PROMISE NOT TO!" Kyo screamed back.

" KYO-KUN! BE CAREFUL!" Tohru cried, joining Hatori at the windowsill.

" SHUT UP!" Black Haru yelled at all of them. " JUST SHUT UP!"

" Hey…" Said Yuki from the kitchen. " All of my granola bars are gone!"

" Oh yeah… about that…" Said Shigure.

Oh my. This is all getting rather out of hand.

And then… out of nowhere… or maybe just down the road, drove up the person with answers to it all.

KAZUMA!

Oi, oi, oi, yeah, yeah… we've already sung about Kazuma. But if you want to, I'll give you time to do it again.

…

…

Are you done? Good.

Kazuma parked the car RIGHT outside of Shigure's house, then stepped out and looked at the scene like he had a JOB to do, and he KNEW how to do it! First, he walked over to Black Haru.

" Haru, you need to find your inner calm." He told Haru calmly.

" I _NEED _TO FIND OUT WHAT THE GROUNDHOG SAW! JESUS CHRIST!" Black Haru screamed back, because I'm afraid even KAZUMA does not have the power to calm Black Haru's rage.

" Oh." Kazuma chuckled like Kureno. " Is that all? It saw its shadow."

" Oh." Said Black Haru and momentarily stopped his rage. Then he turned around and started kicking the lawn.

" SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER! SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER! WHAT THE HELL! I DON'T WANT SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER!"

" There, there, Haru." Kazuma said, patting Haru on the back. " Everything will feel better when you wake up." Then he knocked Haru out with some fancy judo move that I can't even DESCRIBE, because it was so fast it didn't even look like it happened. WHOA!

With Haru lying on the lawn unconcious, Kazuma now moved onto situation B.

" SHISHOU!" Kyo screeched, swinging back and forth from the end of the sheet.

" ………………….KYO," said Kazuma in a dissapointed voice, shaking his head. " What are you doing? This isn't how I raised you to behave."

" But… but Shishou! I don't wanna shot!" Kyo cried down.

" Kazuma-san, please talk some reason into him!" Said Hatori.

" Now, now……………………………KYO. We don't always get what we want in life. But we still have to move forward. A shot is merely a tiny pain that lasts for a very short time. If you can handle that, you can handle anything."

Even though all of that makes NO sense when put together… it sounded very wise! And of course, whenever Kazuma says something wise, Kyo has to stop and stare at him in a very reflective manner, which he did now.

" Shishou…" Kyo said softly, then leapt into the air and tried to kick him in the head with a flying kick, which Kazuma easily deflected. Then Kyo went flying into the house and crashed through the crazy paper doors and fell hard against the ground.

" Ha-ha… what a silly boy…" Kazuma chuckled like Kureno, as if it is NORMAL to fling your adoptive son into a house because he doesn't want to get a shot!

" K-Kyo-kun… Is Kyo-kun really… okay…?" Tohru asked from the windowsill next to Hatori.

" Um…" Said Hatori.

HOOONK!

" Thank you so much for bringing these granola bars, Shihan." Said Yuki, happily munching on one of the granola bars Kazuma had brought in his crazy old car.

" Cheh! You be GRATEFUL that you're eating Shishou's granola bars, you damn rat! YOU BETTER ENJOY IT!" Kyo growled at Yuki. " YOU BETTER ENJOY THAT GRANOLA BAR MORE THAN ANY OTHER GRANOLA BAR YOU EVER EAT IN YOUR LIFE!"

" I'm not the one throwing a fit over a little old flu shot."

" SHUT UP!"

" BOTH of you shut up. Kyo, hold still." Hatori said, who was administering a flu shot to Kyo while Kazuma watched JUST to make sure Hatori was doing it right, and because it made Kyo a lot less scared when SHISHOU was there! Even though Shishou had probably just broken Kyo's leg! OH WELL!

" But Kazuma-san… how did you know we were out of granola bars?" Asked Shigure.

" Yeah!" Said Momiji.

" Oh… I'm sure you'll find out SOONER or later…" Kazuma chuckled like Kureno, then looked up at the camera and WINKED! Then there was a long pause.

" No… seriously…" Said Shigure.

" Ow! Ow! OW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Kyo screamed at Hatori.

" I'm rubbing the _alchol _on."

" Hey…" Said White Haru, wandering into the room with a headache. " Does anyone know… if the groundhog saw its shadow or not?"

OMAKE!

Hey guys! I'm sorry you didn't hear from me for so long after chapter six! Let's cut to the chase already and answer some questions!

Or wait… since apparently Q and A is ILLEGAL… I am just making up these questions myself… and coming up with ANSWERS myself… it's all fictional… yes…

(shifty look)

The first question is not for ANYONE in the Review Crew! GASP!

Some Figment of MY Imagination: Hagrid, where do you get all your magical wisdom from?

Hagrid: From eating BRAINS!

Hayley: OO

Hagrid: Nope… shouldn't have told ye that, Nope.

And now some fictional questions from my real life fictional friend, Nakigara!

Nakigara: Carl: (bitchslap)

Hayley: HA-HA! The first person slapped Carl too! HEY! I KNOW! LET'S MAKE A CARL SLAP COUNTER!

Carl Slap Counter: TWO

Carl: …I hate my life.

Nakigara: Bigfoot- Clerks or Mallrats?

Bigfoot: HAYLEY NOT LET BIGFOOT WATCH ANY. TOO MUCH CUSS.

Hayley: He's just a child!

Nakigara: Hayley- BABOOSNAKE!

Hayley: BABOOSNAKE! BABOOSNAKE! EVERYONE CELEBRATE RENJI'S BABOOSNAKE! OMG! BABOOSNAKE AND BABOOSNAKE FOREVER! HE'S IN LOVE WITH HIMSELF! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

…

Person (FICTIONAL!): How many women have EVER seen Hatori-san shirtless?

Hayley: Oh… you know them, because they've all turned into babbling FOOLS who can't even spell their own names anymore!

Carl: Haven't YOU seen him shirtless?

Eylayh: But I'm different.

Rebecca (who is being a fictional question person for the FIRST time!): Can you put my love monkey Ritchan into the story?

Hayley: I'm afraid Ritchan-san is living happily ever after with Zack… yes… where he isn't randomly neglected… that randomly neglected monkey.

Bigfoot: How big ARE your feet?

Bigfoot: BIG!

Hayley: DA-HUCK!

Maine Coon Cat (a fictional cat, of course): Hi Carl!

Carl: (cheesy smile) Hi loser!

Jadedtigress:

Hayley: OH! OH! OH! Before I answer these fictional questions, I have to redo an answer to an old one! I DO know who ELO is! They sing MR. BLUE SKY! I LURVE THAT SONG! YAAAAAY! (cough) Anyway…

Jadedtigress: What are your, Bigfoot and Carl's favourite characters in Naruto, and who is Jet Black's favourite character in Naruto? What is your favourite Final Fantasy, Hayley? Does Bigfoot like Final Fantasy? Does Carl? Does Carl like anything? What's your favourite Beatles song? What's Carl's? Bigfoot's? And my final question...it is SO hard to find any good Naruto comedy/parody fanfics out there...are you ever going to write one? After reading your stuff, I'm afraid you're the only one who can make me laugh...

Hayley: Wow! That's a lot of questions! Well… I don't really watch Naruto all that much, but I like Kakashi! Because he's voiced by Hatori!

Bigfoot: KIBA. KIBA HAVE DOGGY.

Carl: I like your butt.

Hayley: My favorite Final Fantasy is a tie between VII and IX. VII was the first one I ever played, and also ruined a lot of my innocence (I was ten) but IX had the most lurvable characters and made me CRY at the end. So those two.

Bigfoot: ME LOVE FINNY FANNY.

Carl: Your mom's MY Final Fantasy.

Hayley: Uh… my favorite Beatle's song is ' In My Life!'

Carl: ' I shoot people who ask me what my favorite Beatle's song is!'

Bigfoot: HEY JUDE… DON'T MAKE IT BAD…

Hayley: As for you last question… ME NO KNOW! I assume it may be! And I doubt I'll ever write one. It's hard to write parodies of Shonen Anime/Manga! I tried to do one for Bleach, my favorite shonen of all time, and I'm already stumped! OH WELL!

Person: What are your favorite foods?

Hayley: Ravioli frozen dinner!

Bigfoot: FOOD

Carl: I don't eat food, because I want to DIE.

NARIA! OMG! YOU HAVE RETURNED! OH, BRINGER OF BIG MAC MYSTERY ENDINGS!

Well, golly gee, a question for Cid! But WHICH Cid? I'll just choose a random one.

Naria: Are you still alive?

(silence)

Hayley: That must have been FFX Cid…

Ayame, why? Why are you so pretty?

Ayame: (silly smile) I dunno! Because I'm a Sohma! And we are all beautiful! YAY! Coughbutiamthebeautifullestcough

Carl, Where the hell have you been, you vindictive purple menace? And how might I go about killing you?

Hayley: Ooh, don't call him purple. He's very self-concious about that.

Carl: No I'm not.

Hayley: Barney is purple. That would make me self-concious.

Carl: SHUT UP.

Hayley: And of course I still lurve you! As for the remix… it was done by yours truly. I am ghetto, yo… uh… yo-yo… ma!

Hopefully it won't take as long next time!

Ja ne!


	8. The Bachelor: Hatori

Fruits Basket… has ended.

(BIG, SAD, FROWNY FACE)

But Shoopuf Basket… has NOT!

(BIG, SAD, FROWNY FACE)

…

Whatever. As long as long, boring summers full of nothing but waiting for the day you can finally go to college and get a life exist, so shall Shoopuf Basket!

Chapter 7

The Bachelor: Hatori

This chapter is dedicated to my mom, who watches the Bachelor and once really did call Hatori Hadorky.

I know what you're thinking. Hatori Sohma is not a BACHELOR. Hatori Sohma is not a MAN. Hatori Sohma is a SEAHORSE! He has no need for feminine company! He feels no sexual urges! All he's waiting for is a female seahorse to swim up and pump him full of babies! You know it, I know it, WE ALL KNOW IT.

Unfortunately, Ayame and Shigure do not know this. And so, ONE DAY, Hatori found himself holding a very strange letter at the mailbox!

_I'd love to paint your easter eggs, _said the letter.

_When am I going to quit getting these? _Hatori thought and threw the letter up into the air and snapped his fingers and it caught on FIRE and burnt to ash just like Roy Mustang! Except not. It got caught in the wind and flew three feet like a normal rejected stalker letter.

Hatori leafed through the rest of the Sohma family mail. YES, there is some PROFESSIONAL person who does that for them, but he was SICK that day, okay?! Don't you judge him!

"Fine for vase injury, fine for vase injury, fine for vase injury… coupons for Pizza Hut…" said Hatori and stared at the coupons for Pizza Hut. Hatori LIKES Pizza Hut! Then he continued to read the mail outloud. "Fine for vase injury, fine for vase injury… To Mr. Hatori Sohma…"

A letter for HATORI? Hatori hadn't received a letter since someone ACCIDENTALLY invited him to a baby shower! What a crazy STORY that was. There were confused looks and EVERYTHING. But there it was, a letter addressed to him. There was his name printed in ink! There was the return address of the BBC!

Wow! The BBC! This letter had come all the way from BRITAIN! Barely able to CONTAIN his excitement, Hatori carefully began to peel the enveloped open with his pinky finger!

When he finally got it open, THIS is what it said:

Dear Mr. Hatori Sohma,

Congratulations!

(At this point Hatori paused and took a deep breath of satisfaction, since this isn't something he gets to hear a lot.)

Out of one MILLION hopefuls, YOU have been chosen to be the next Bachelor! You will get to star in your VERY OWN television show about your VERY OWN harem! You'll get to string along TWENTY different sexy women, and in the end, you get to PRETEND that you have fallen in love with one of them and then get divorced two years later when nobody cares!

We're so excited to make you a part of the Bachelor family, Mr. Hatori Sohma! In just TWO DAYS we will be flying over on our Bachelor jet to pick you up and bring you to beautiful HA-WAI-EH and begin shooting! You'll also be needing to bring two of your closest friends who will help you to find the love of your life! NOT! YOU'LL NEVER FIND LOVE, LOSER! HA HA HA, just KIDDING!

See you soon,

The BBC

"What the hell?" said Hatori. He had never entered ANY Bachelor audition contest thingy! He didn't even know what the Bachelor WAS! I mean, he knew that he, Hatori, WAS a bachelor, but what the hell was the Bachelor? He didn't want to date twenty different sexy women! What about Mayuko? What about his remaining feelings for KANA?!

ARGH! WHO THE HELL IS CAUSING ALL THIS MAYHEM IN THE WORLD OF HATORI?!

"There's always only one right answer to that question," said Hatori. He went back to his house and got ready to go… see… his… COUSINS!

HOOONK!

"Oh my, Aya, why are you sitting there as if you were EXPECTING someone?" Shigure trilled in a high voice, pretending not to wait for Hatori.

"Expecting someone? Gure-san! Now who on earth would I be expecting? I haven't done anything to warrant a visit from ANYONE!" Ayame giggled.

"Nothing like, oh say… ENTER HAA-SAN INTO THE BACHELOR AUDITION!"

"WHO ON EARTH WOULD PLAY A TRICK LIKE THAT ON TORI-SAN?"

And both of them howled and screamed with laughter.

"I HATE the Bachelor," said Kyo, who was doing the dishes for Tohru. Except SHE didn't know it! Won't she be SURPRISED? And guilt ridden? "It's the stupidest show in the entire world."

"I thought you said Joe Millionaire was the stupidest show in the world," Shigure pointed out.

"Besides THAT one!" Kyo snapped, and rolled his eyes at the plates like, 'GOD! That goes without SAYING, duuuuh!'

"You know what the stupidest show in the WORLD is?" said Ayame, since he wanted everyone to know his opinion. "PIRATE Master. I mean… have you seen the COSTUMES? More like Pirate DISASTER!"

"YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH! PIRATE MASTER IS-" And then Kyo remembered who he was and where he was and who he was about to tell that Pirate Master is the best damn show in the whole world to.

"…okay," he finished lamely.

Before Shigure and Ayame could start making fun of Kyo, the doorbell rang! Now it was time to make fun of HATORI! Everyone's favorite time!

"Oh my god oh my god oh my god!" Shigure hypervenilated. "Aya, you do realize this is the best prank – recently mind you – that we've ever played on Hatori!"

"I KNOW!" Ayame squealed.

"It's gonna be so… DAMN… GOOD!" Shigure slammed the table. "It's almost too good to be true!"

"I'm so excited I can't answer the door! You do it, Gure-san!"

"I can't! I can't!"

There was some angry knocking and then they heard Hatori say, in his lovely, slightly angry Hatori way, "Come on, I know you two are in there!"

Shigure and Ayame lost it and could not move, paralyzed by laughter. Kyo sighed and went to go get the door. Why does Kyo have to do ALL the work around here?! GEEZ!

"Hi Kyo," Hatori sighed when Kyo opened the door.

"Hey," said Kyo. "They're in there laughing at you."

"I thought as much," said Hatori and moved in. He held the crazy BBC letter in his hand. When he reached Shigure and Ayame, they had finally gotten themselves together, but then they saw the letter and lost it all over again.

"Stop laughing and tell me what the Bachelor is."

"HE DOESN'T… HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS…AHAHAHAHA!"

"I get that it's a television show, at least. But why did they send me a letter? I never even auditioned."

"HEHEHEHE…HE DOESN'T…HE DOESN'T THINK HE'S AUDITIONED!"

"But I didn't audition," said Hatori. Aww, he was BEARY CONFUSED! (bear)

"Yes you did, Haa-san," said Shigure. "You just didn't KNOW it!" He looked over at Ayame. "Do you have the tape, Aya?"

"Aww," said Ayame, "I want to explain to him what it IS first! He'll make such a wonderful expression!"

"Yeah, you're right," said Shigure. "Okay, Aya, do you have the other tape?"

Ayame pulled out a tape that said THE BACHELOR IN PARIS LOL! Then he skipped over to the television chuckling like Kureno.

"Sit down, Haa-san," said Shigure, patting on the… floor or whatever. "Soon, everything will make sense…maybe."

"The Bachelor in PARIS?" Kyo asked disgustedly, as the retarded opening credits with the metrosexual guy narrating ran. "That's like the worst one!"

"How would you know?" Hatori asked.

"I'M GOING TO MY ROOM!" Kyo yelled and did so.

So Hatori sat and he watched all forty five minutes of the Bachelor in Paris. And like any normal human being he thought it was the biggest piece of crap in the world. And unlike any normal female and Kyo Sohma, he did not have some strange urge to keep watching it anyway.

"NEXT TIME ON… THE BACHELOR! IN PARIS!" said the metrosexual narrator and then the television turned off.

"That was so stupid. It was all fake. Everything was engineered to be 'romantic' and the Bachelor says he has problems with his 'feelings', but really, all he is is an idiot surrounded by a bunch of dull, unintelligent women," said Hatori.

"Right!" said Shigure. "And that's where YOU come in!"

"…what?"

"Next tape, Aya."

"Yokai!" said Ayame and put in the next tape, which read BEST. HATORI. PRANK. EVER. Immediately, Ready Steady Go began to play in sequence with some images. It ran like THIS:

(cool drum part) : THE NEXT BACHELOR IS… HATORI… SOHMA!

HATORI SOHMA! - flashing in very cheap and pathetic looking windows movie maker neon lights for six seconds.

Hyde: READY STEADY CAN'T HOLD ME BACK

(Hatori straightening his tie)

Hyde: READY STEADY GIVE ME GOOD LACK!

(Close-up on Hatori giving the world's dorkiest grin in the world that makes him look more like a vampire than a normal grinning person)

Hyde: READY STEADY NEVER LOOK BACK

(Hatori wearing a stethoscope and looking down at some papers SERIOUSLY!)

Hyde: LET'S GET STARTED READY STEADY GO…!

(Hatori stepping out of the shower)

"WHAT THE HELL?" Hatori said.

"SHHHHHH!" Ayame and Shigure hissed.

On the television screen, Ayame and Shigure were now standing in front of a big cardboard poster cutout of Hatori while Ready Steady Go continued to play.

"HI!" said Ayame in terrible engrish. "WE AH BESTO FURENDO OF-U SOHMA HATORI!"

"WE GONNA TELL YOU WHY HE SHOULD-O BE DAH NEXT-OH BACHURERAHRARGH!" said Shigure.

"YOSH!" they both said and did the thumbs up. Then the video cut to Hatori talking into the camera with little subtitles 'translating' the Japanese.

"I've always dreamed of finding true love, and when I watch the Bachelor, I realize that those aren't just dreams. True love is out there, waiting for me. I just have to be brave enough to go on well, television, and find it."

"That's not what I'm saying!" said Hatori, who can read and speak fluent english because he's Hatori. "I'm telling you to turn off the stupid camera!"

"_Mou, yamete. Mada iu ite darou? Dokomademo, ima anata-tachi yukeru. Ore wa takusan no kami koko ni iru," _said Hatori on the video. The subtitles said, "I'm definitely a romantic. I daydream all the time. My favorite movie is Sleepless in Seattle."

"It is not…!" Hatori murmured. _It's GLADIATOR!_

"_Oi, Shigure, yamete! Ayame!"_ "I REALLY want to be on the Bachelor!"

"_YAMETE!" _"Please choose me!"

"_MOU II! IMA DETEKE!" (camera swinging wildly)_ "PLEASE!!!!!" (shaking camera out of desperation)

Hatori turned his head around and gave Shigure and Ayame the most offended look in the entire world. They were too busy crying silently over the brilliance of their creation.

"You made this without me even knowing it?!" he demanded.

"We were just videotaping for fun… we never thought about using it for something like this, and then… the idea just suddenly kicked…" Shigure sniffed.

"It's so… beautiful…" Ayame murmured, dabbing at his eyes with a hankie.

Hatori looked back at the television and saw that it now depicted him reading a japanese crime novel which the subtitles dubbed 'Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.'

"I can't wait until the last one comes out," the subtitles translated Hatori asking if there was any milk left. Then it cut to Hatori taking a bath and listening to Enya music.

"I hate you," said Hatori, burying his head into his hands.

"But that part's REAL!" Shigure protested.

"I'm not doing this. I'm not going on the Bachelor. I won't. I refuse. I'll go… live in a cave or something, I don't care, I won't-"

"Wait," said Ayame, blowing his nose, "did you just say you won't go on it?"

"I WON'T."

"What do you mean?" Shigure asked. "Surely you don't mean you WON?"

"What the hell _else _could I mean?"

"That's not a REJECTION letter?"

"No," said Hatori and handed the letter over to them. Then he turned off the television because it was OFFENDING him.

Shigure and Ayame read the letter and then their mouths dropped open.

"He… WON?" Shigure said.

"That's what it says…" whispered Ayame.

"He WON? But… we just entered it so he would get the rejection letter…"

"Then we could show him the tape…"

"But he actually WON?"

"HE WON…?" both of them said.

_You don't have to sound THAT surprised, _thought Hatori.

"Gure-san… the Gods of practical jokes… this must be our reward!"

"Aya… all our lives… we've tortured Hatori for this moment!"

And then a clip show started to play, depicting the literally billions of times Ayame and Shigure have pulled pranks on Hatori, starting back when they were itty bitty little babies. I wish I could let you watch it, but unfortunately, only us great Hatori torturers have access. Sorry.

"WE'RE GOING TO BE ON THE BACHELOR!" Ayame and Shigure cheered when it was over.

"No you're not," said Hatori. "Because I'm not going to be the bachelor."

"BUT-"

"No."

"BUT-"

"I said NO."

"But Hatori, we've tortured you our whole lives for this!" they whined.

Hatori thought about ERASING their whole lives and turning them into two drooling idiots, but the Hatori we know and love would never do that. So he just said, "No means NO," as if he were four years old, and he got up. And he LEFT. And that was THAT. And then he came BACK. And he took the VIDEO. Then he left AGAIN. And that was THAT.

HOOONK TO TWO DAYS LATER!

Hatori was sleeping peacefully. Enya was serenading him in his sleep in her beautiful siren song. Whenever he listened to Enya, Hatori felt like he could sleep FOREVER. Everything was so warm and comfy and beautiful…

_But there's so many things I need to get done, _thought Hatori, and sighed. He'd have to let Enya go.

"You don't need a REASON, just let the day go ON AND ON…" sang Enya.

"Sorry, gotta go," said Hatori.

"WHAT A DAY TO TAKE TO… A WILD CHILD…"

Hatori opened his eyes. And instead of seeing his pillow, he saw Shigure and Ayame talking to That Buddy Barn Guy. And instead of turning his head to see an alarm clock, he saw the SKY. And OCEAN, UNDER that sky.

And he said, 'This is not my bed! This is not my beautiful house! This is not my beautiful wife!' And he said, 'My God! How did I get here?!'

AS THE DAYS GO BY, THERE IS WATER FLOWING UNDER…!

"Damn," said Shigure, noticing Hatori. "I think the Enya is wearing off."

"You're right," said Ayame.

"HI, Mr. Redundant," said That Buddy Barn Guy sarcastically. "Or should I say, Mr. Redundant Bachelor?"

"…Shigure, Ayame, please don't tell me you smuggled me onto a jet to go do the Bachelor show," said Hatori.

"You're very hard to please, Tori-san," Ayame sniffed.

"No. NO. I am not doing this. Look, you," said Hatori, pointing at That Buddy Barn Guy, "turn around this jet right now."

"I'm AFRAID we can't do that," said That Buddy Barn Guy. "We're taking you straight to Buddy Barn Channel Studio so we can start filming the Bachelor (sponsered in part by That Buddy Barn Guy)"

ARGH! IT WASN'T EVEN THE BBC?! That was the one silver lining on Hatori's cloud! DAMMIT! DAMMIT ALL TO HELL! Why shouldn't he just jump out of the jet right then there and now?!

"I don't want to start filming the Bachelor," said Hatori.

"Well, we're going to be in Hawaii any second," said That Buddy Barn Guy, "so you better START wanting to."

Hatori stood up and even though his legs were numb from sleep, he walked straight and tall like a REAL man. "No. We are turning this jet around. _Captain? Sir?_" he called through the door in english. _"Sir, there's been a mistake. I'm not doing 'the Bachelor.' You can take me back to Japan now."_

"I'M the captain of THIS ship!" declared That Buddy Barn Guy, even though it was a jet, "And I'd APPRECIATE it if you'd stop speaking ENGLISH! This is SUPPOSED to be The Bachelor: Lost in Translation!"

"…but I'm fluent in english," said Hatori.

"PAH! Fluent in english! The next thing I know, you'll be telling me that you really ARE good at tennis and that you really ARE a doctor!"

"…I really am a doctor," said Hatori. And he was quite good at tennis, actually.

"Listen HERE, you little Japanese man," said That Buddy Barn Guy and he tried to stare down at Hatori, but that was hard to do since he was about two feet shorter than him, "You're the BACHELOR now. You do what I say. When I say forget english, you speak ching-chong China. When I say date twenty women, you say that's perfectly normal in ching-chong China. And when I say jump, you say how high? Is that clear? Is that CLEAR?"

"But-"

"IS THAT CLEAR?! YES OR NO?! HUH? HUH? HUH?" yelled That Buddy Barn Guy, pushing Hatori in the chest over and over. Then, before Hatori could say anything, he said, "GOOD!" and walked back over to his seat as if the two had just reached some mutual understanding.

Hatori was about to erase That Buddy Barn Guy's memory and hijack the jet, but suddenly, he was stricken by… AIRSICKNESS! Hatori isn't used to air travel! His tummy got a hurts! He sat down and held it and tried not to give a little moan, and instead muttered delerious death threats towards Ayame and Shigure.

Man, Hatori and Yuffie should SO get together! It'll be like Yuffentori! I mean, they SO match! One is super spunky and greedy and a brat and the other is full of angst and a dark past and transforms INTO things! I mean, it's so obvious! It's not just because they're both sidequest characters at all! OFF COURSE NOT!

"Hey, I was wondering…" said Shigure. "If you're the captain, and you're in here talking to us, then who's in their flying the jet?"

That Buddy Barn Guy gave an enigmatic smile and some MYSTERIOUS music played, and then they flew right over Isla Nublar and the Jurassic Park music cranked up to max volume and they were all like, MAN, still the BEST movie ever.

HOOONK TO THREE MONTHS LATER!

"Tohru, did you hear the popcorn go off?" Kyo called. Tohru was in the kitchen pouring drinks. Kyo WANTED to help her, but she refused. The two of them were getting ready to watch THE BACHELOR: LOST IN TRANSLATION one hour special!

See, Tohru is one of those rare souls who watches the Bachelor and HONESTLY believes that everyone on the show's feelings are REAL and SINCERE! I mean… HOW COULD THEIR LOVE _NOT _BE REAL? And she was so happy to find out that KYO also liked watching the Bachelor, even though he made her swear never to tell anyone.

See, Kyo is one of those less rare souls like my mom who watches the Bachelor and sort of kind of HOPES that everyone on the show's feelings are REAL and SINCERE! I mean… WOULDN'T IT BE NICE IF THEIR LOVE _WAS _REAL? Plus, he liked watching TV with Tohru because she wouldn't make fun of him for his feelings.

Just so you know… because I know you love to know… Yuki is one of those common souls who watches the Bachelor with vague interest and believes everyone to be a retarded idiot and looks forward to the commercials because at least those are actually funny every one million years. Just so you know.

"This is going to be so much fun!" said Tohru, coming in with a big bowl of popcorn and two bottles of coke. "Watching the Bachelor with Kyo-kun… it's too bad no one else is here to watch!"

ACTUALLY… Yuki was watching it with Kimi, Machi, and Kakeru because Kimi is an insanely big fan of the Bachelor and is forcing them to watch. And Haru is also a big fan of it, but mostly because he has no idea what is going on. So they were all making preperations to watch it too.

"What are you doing?" Kyo demanded, springing up. "Don't try and carry all that stuff on your own! You're just going to drop most of it!"

"No, no, I'm fine!"

"Here, let me help you…" said Kyo and then he TOUCHED her hand, OH MY GOD.

(skip five pages worth of sexual tension (if you can call it in those two kid's cases))

"It's STARTING!" Tohru cheered, but it was only acting like it was starting, and they had to watch a Sonic commercial. But they didn't mind, because Sonic commercials are funny. Kyo sat on ONE end of the couch and Tohru sat at the other. And they SHARED the popcorn bowl in the middle. That way they could BOTH reach the popcorn. And have akward HAND TOUCHING moments! CRAZY ROMANTIC HIJINKS!

"NOW it's starting," said Kyo, and since he was the master of Sohma Bachelor watching, of course, it was.

"'ONE MAN… TWENTY WOMEN… ON A QUEST FOR TRUE LOVE…'" said the metrosexual narrarator.

"'True rabu…'" Tohru echoed in english. By the way, the show was airing in english with japanese subtititles. Yes, I realize this is more complicated than the usual Shoopuf Basket fare that you're used to, but I can't shelter you all your lives.

" 'Toowandu woomanu'," repeated Kyo.

The metrosexual guy went on and on about how the Bachelor would have to weed out the women and eventually either dump or marry the remaining chick. Come on, you've seen the Bachelor before, I shouldn't have to explain it to you.

"BUT THERE'S A NEW TWIST…" said the metrosexual narrator.

"WHAT? AS IF YOU HAVEN'T MENTIONED IT IN COMMERCIALS FIFTY BILLION FRICKIN' TIMES!" the whole world shouted except for Tohru and Kyo who eagerly waited to be enlightened.

"THE BACHELOR DOESN'T KNOW ENGLISH! HE'S FROM JAPAN! NOW… HE'LL HAVE TO FIND TRUE LOVE… WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING WHAT'S GOING ON!"

"Uah!" said Tohru. "What a hard challenge!"

"It's RETARDED," said Kyo.

"But Kyo-kun, don't you think, perhaps true love could conquer any barrier?"

"W-well, MAYBE," Kyo muttered, turning red. He took a sip of his coke.

"HE IS…" said the metrosexual narrator, "THE BACHELOR!" And then a man in a suit turned around and the man in a suit was Hatori. He stared out through the television at the world miserably.

"HATORI-SAN?!" Tohru cried. Kyo spat his coke out seven feet.

A Haverty's commercial began to play. Kyo and Tohru stared at the television screen in complete shock. Neither of them said a word. Their simple minds were boggled. All they managed to say before the commercials were over was: "Wasn't he fluent in english?" And then the show was back on.

SHOW FORMAT FTW!

Narrator: Before the BACHELOR, Hadorki Zoma meets twenty BEAUTIFUL, single women, he'll have one last INSPIRATIONAL talk with his two best friends, AYAMEE AND SHIGUREE ZOMA!

(Where did they learn to pronounce names? Funimation? HUR HUR HUR…hur…)

Narrator: Both Ayamee and Shiguree are FLUENT in english, unlike their bachelor friend Hatori.

(Shigure and Ayame waving their arms in front of a palm tree like two stranded idiots)

Ayame: HERRO AMERICA!

Shigure: WE RIKE YOU PRETTY GURZ! COMEU SEE US!

Both: COMEU SEE USSSSSSSSSSSS! YOSH!

Narrator: These two have been Hadorki's friends for practically forever. Both had practical advice to give him before he set out to meet the women – one of which COULD become his true love!

(Shigure and Ayame sitting in front of Hatori at a table. Hatori looks so miserable that you'd think he's just watched fifty puppies getting tossed out a airplane into a burning crater. Shigure and Ayame are unsucessfully smothering hysteric laughter)

Shigure: PFFFT…PFFFFT…PFFFAHA…HA…HA…

Subtitles: You need to find someone mature. Someone you'd want to spend the rest of your life with.

Ayame: HAHA…HA… KORE GA… KORE GA… OKASHI SUGITE!!!

Subtitles: But that doesn't mean you can't, like, have fun while you're looking, sweetie, if you know what I mean. I mean, _come on_.

(Both scream with laughter. Hatori stares on hollowly)

Subtitles: (all laugh)

(Interview thingy)

ZOMA SHIGUREE (Age 27, Novelist): Itzu justa wanna find true rabu. Yes. For Haa-san. Me more. Rabu American girlzu. Bureatfiru EYES. (stares into the camera) _Ookina mune_.

ZOMA AYAMEE (Age 26, Transvesite?): Great experience-u! Wonderfurru! One thingu, can I say? (screams into the camera) YUKI! NOBODY BEAT OUR BROTHER RABU!

Narrator: And with that advice, Hadorki is ready to meet the twenty women!

(Annoying little twerp who I'd like to nuke and Hatori standing in front of a big fancy house)

Twerp: They're almost here, Hadorki. How are you feeling?

Hatori: …(stare)

Twerp: Nervous, huh? Then again, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M SAYING! CRAZY!

Narrator: THE BACHELOR MEETS TWENTY WOMEN! WHO WILL HE FLIRT WITH? WHO WILL FLIRT WITH HIM? WHO WILL GET A ROSE? WHO WILL GO HOME… BROKEN-HEARTED? FIND OUT NEXT ON… THE BACHELOR! LOST IN TRANSLATION!

Kyo and Tohru had recovered enough to talk among themselves at this point.

"I don't understand…" said Kyo. "Hatori would never want to do the Bachelor."

"No… it definitely doesn't _seem _like Hatori-san," said Tohru.

_But that would have to mean Shigure and Ayame actually made this happen. They actually got Hatori to make a fool out of himself on universal television, _thought Kyo, since That Buddy Barn Channel is the world's only universal channel. _They actually… no. If I believe that they were able to do that, then I can no longer believe in God._

"MAYBE, this whole time, Hatori-san really was searching for true love!" Tohru exclaimed.

"…no," said Kyo.

"NOW BACK TO… THE BACHELOR!" said the narrator.

Twerp: Here they are, Hadorki… in one of those cars, your TRUE LOVE is waiting!

(fancy limos pull up. Hatori gives a dark sigh and rolls his EYE, because you can't see the other one. The first girl walks out of the car)

Stacey Blah: (Age:25, Blahdeblah) I was like, so nervous, about meeting the Bachelor. I mean, he doesn't even speak ENGLISH. I was just thinking, what am I even doing here?!

(Stacey Blah walks in front of Hatori with a very scary permagrin. Hatori attempts to smile but it fails.)

Stacey Blah: Konichiwa! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (laughs for like five miutes then unsmoothly hugs Hatori and tries to kiss him, but you can't just KISS Hatori, girl.) Well, my name's Stacey Blah, and I'm a Blahdeblah, and… this is SO crazy!

Hatori: …

Stacey Blah: (interview screen) And then, as soon as I looked into his eyes, it was like WHAM! (close up on Hatori's very emotionless eye) There was just so much love and kindness and wonderfulness there that it seemed like we DIDN'T need words to communicate. I could just tell there was a CONNECTION. CONNECTION. CONNECTION. (keeps saying connection until the show is over)

Twerp: Ha-ha, one down, NINETEEN to go! (fades back into the shadows or wherever it is he goes when he's not needed)

(Nineteen more women are introduced to Hatori. And guess what? THEY ALL DO THE EXACT SAME THING! HOORAY!! SO EXCITING! I'M SO GLAD I'M MISSING HEROES FOR THIS!)

Narrator: Now it's time for HADORKI to go get accquainted with the girls… even though he can't understand a single word they're saying! AWK!

(Hatori sitting on a couch and massaging his temple)

Janet Blah: (Age 27, Blahdeblah) Okay, so, I kind of, STOLE Hadorki away from some of the other girls, (She sits next to Hatori and flails around in an attempt to get his attention) but I don't feel bad about it at all. I mean, it's not everday that you feel this kind of a CONNECTION, SO CONNECTION CONNECTION, OUT OF THE WAY BITCH, I'VE GOT A CONNECTION.

(sappy music starts to play)

Janet Blah: So, I've always liked blah, that's why I do blah. Blah? I feel like we've got a real connection. (smiles and nods)

Hatori: (sighs through his nose)

(RINSE AND REPEAT EIGHT TIMES!)

Narrator: Now, Hadorki has to give out the WHITE rose to the girl whom he enjoyed 'talking' with the most! HA HA! TALKING! HE DOESN'T GET IT! HA!

Hatori: (chucks white rose over his shoulder. Kelsey Blah catches it.)

Kelsey Blah: (Age 27, BlahDEEblah) I was so happy… I knew we had a connection.

Twerp: (respawns out of the shadows) Sorry girls. I've got to take Hadorki away now.

Girls: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW(continues on for an hour)

Hatori: (runs)

Narrator: Now Hadorki must sit in a room full of the women's pictures and think about which ones he should choose. It's very HARD. Watch him and see how HARD it is to choose!

Hatori: _Kaeru… naritai._

Subtitles: It's just so hard. I feel a connection with so many of these girls. I don't want to hurt their feelings. But… it's just hard.

Narrator: WHO WILL HE CHOOSE? WHO WILL GET A ROSE? WHO WILL GO HOME… BROKEN-HEARTED? FIND OUT NEXT ON… THE BACHELOR!

"Did you say this was a one hour special?" Kyo asked.

"Yes…" said Tohru.

"I wonder what happens in the end," said Kyo.

"Perhaps he found true love right away! Perhaps she's already HERE!"

"He said he wanted to go home on the show," said Kyo doubtfully.

"It will all work out! I believe in you Hatori-san!" Tohru exclaimed, staring into the television.

"NOW BACK TO… THE BACHELOR!"

Twerp: Okay Hadorki… you have twenty beautiful women here. But there are only fifteen roses here in this bowl. (points to bowl) TWENTY WOMEN. FIFTEEN ROSES. TWENTY… WOMEN… FIFTEEN…ROH-ZES… do you UNDERSTAND?

Hatori: (vein pops)

Twerp: I know it's tough, but it has to be done. Now… here come the women. (turns into a bat and flies away)

(All the Miss Blahs walk in. They all stare really hard at Hatori, because if they stare hard enough, they will remind him of their CONNECTION! REMEMBER THE CONNECTION, HATORI?! OH SO MANY CONNECTIONS!)

Hatori: (in english) …that's it. I'm not doing this. Look, ladies, I'm sorry that you're disillusioned enough to come out here and do this, but I'm not going to be a part of it. I'm going back to Japan.

Lacey Blah: Before he started the rose ceremony, Hadorki gave us this little speech in Japanese or Chinese or whatever… it was so sincere. He's so sincere.

Girls: (smile)

Hatori: I'm serious. I'm leaving now. Sorry. (turns around)

Twerp: (appearing in front of him like a VAMPIRE! WHOA!) No, Hadorki. You have to take the ROSE and give it to a GIRL.

Hatori: My name's Hatori. I'm speaking english. I'm not doing this show anymore.

Twerp: Ha-ha, I think our Bachelor's a little confused!

Girls: (laugh in an understanding way)

Hatori: I AM SPEAKING ENGLISH. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Twerp: (takes Hatori's arm) Now come, just come over here and we'll move on with the Rose ceremony…

Hatori: No. Look, _don't touch me_. I don't like you. I don't like your weird little face with its weird little smile. I'm leaving. If you have a problem, you can call the Sohma Family lawyer.

(Hatori walks out of the room)

(Cut to Twerp walking in front of a cameraman, following Hatori down a hallway)

Twerp: I think he's confused… he probably has to use the bathroom or something… if only we had a translator handy…

(Hatori turns around and punches him in the face. YES! YES! YES! I'VE WANTED – I MEAN, HATORI'S WANTED TO DO THAT FOR SO LONG)

Hatori: Sayonara. (walks out the door like a dorky badass)

(black screen for two minutes)

(sad guitar music that is unfortunately forever etched into my memory)

Whatever Blah: It's just… I'm used to rejection, but… he didn't give anyone a rose. And that just makes me feel like I've, you know, lost. Even though it's love. I mean, I wish him all the best but… SOB SOB SOB…

Twerp: (talking to empty space where Bachelor should be) Well, I know that was hard, but it's only going to get harder. Now there are no girls. And no bachelor. Yes… very hard. (rubs black eye)

Narrator: THE BACHELOR HAS LEFT! THE GIRLS HAVE LEFT! THE SHOW IS OVER! WHO WILL GET A ROSE? WHO WILL GO HOME… BROKEN-HEARTED? FIND OUT NEVER ON… THE BACHELOR!

And then Law and Order came on.

"Wow…" said Kyo. "That was… uh…"

"H-hatori-san is wonderful!" exclaimed Tohru because she was too afraid to say anything else.

There was really nothing more they could say. I mean… what DO you say after that?

"… I taped last week's Pirate Master," said Kyo. "Wanna watch it?"

"But haven't you already seen it, Kyo-kun?"

"I don't mind watching it again," said Kyo. _For the fifth time, _he thought.

And so they did! Yay?

HOOONK!

"Now I'm just depressed," said Shigure once the show had ended.

"Me too," pouted Ayame. "It's like… reading the last Calvin and Hobbes comic."

"Haa-san, IT'S OVER!" Shigure called to Hatori, who had locked himself up in his room. He didn't intend to come out for a year. Oh well! That's how long it usually takes me to update anyway, so he'll be out again by then. Don't worry!

"SIGH…" sighed Shigure and Ayame. That prank had been a double-edged sword! After that, what fun was wrecking Hatori's car and putting salt in Hatori's Applejacks and selling Hatori's glasses on e-bay going to be?

No! You guys can't give up! The message of Fruits Basket is to never, EVER give up! Not on anything or anyone! You can push through! You can torture Hatori! Someday, you can torture him in ways even FARTHER than this! I know you can!

"You're right!" Ayame exclaimed. "We can't give up!"

"We just have to think of an even _better_ prank!" said Shigure.

"Gure-san," said Aya, standing up and stroking his chin, "I think this is the continuation of a beautiful friendship."

"I'm in your care then, Aya-chan," said Shigure, holding out his hand. And then Ayame took it, and A Little Pain started to play.

_Ne, Aya,_

_If, back then, we had been a little more mature, maybe we could have had a different future where Hatori didn't pwn us with a p for all the tricks we played on him._

_If you could go back in time, where would you go?_

_I would go all the way back to the beginning. All of the crap we pulled on Hatori is the only thing I wouldn't erase..._

"YOSH!"

HOOONK!

Hatori lay on his bed, listening to Enya, and trying to put this all behind him. However… at the same time…

"Jessica Blah was kind of cute," he said. "I've always wondered what it'd be like to date a blahdeblah."

"A WILD CHILD…"

Then he wondered what it would be like to date Enya and decided that was enough wondering for one day.

OMAKE!

The world is changing… the world is CHANGIN', yo! And so am I! However, I never can tell when this mood will strike me! Maybe someday, forty years from now, I'll update again, not even knowing what Fruits Basket is ABOUT anymore. I'll just think it's some crazy series about people torturing a guy called Hatori!

(Actually, that's what it is about)

Anyway, to anyone who still ever bothers to read this silliness, I love you guys. I love Furuba. It's the one thing I consistently love enough to make fun of like this. So… LOVE!

PURSUE YOUR DREAMS! DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELVES! DON'T DO DRUGS! DON'T FEED THE CARL! FEED THE BIGFOOT ALL YOU WANT! I WANT PERSONA 3! SEE YOU COWGIRL, SOMETIME, SOMEWHERE!

Carl: What is up with you and references?

…you wait until now to ask that…?

Asch: MAGGOT!

Ja!


End file.
